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#1
So; I love stand up comedy, i'm geussing many of you do. Now i'm no comedian myself, thou I wish I was, but I do often have funny thoughts, or at least tend to be funny to me. I'm geussing most of us do.

So pit, Post short peices of any material you have here, and lets have some lols and fails.

I'll start with the first thing that comes to mind.

"So I was in florida recently, terrible place. The beaches are so deciving. On comercials you'll see absolutly gorgeous people in no clothes playing volley ball or some **** but when you actually get there its just like, thousands of old people tanning. Jesus, its rediculous, this one guy was possible as tan as I've ever seen a human being, he was about 70, in a speedo, just chillin on the beach. I just wanted to look at him and be like "...dude you won, you can stop now. You succesfully smacked god in the face and changed races, congratulations."

Yea nothing epic obviously, probably wont even get a lul, but you get the idea of the thread, lets see what ya got pit.
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
#4
Quote by KaFuCh
"geussing"

You didn't steal my old avatar did you?
PPPPPPPOSTFINDER
#5
I'm not in the mood for comedy, Zeguitarist is leaving ug
But I'll post some later when I'm happy again
#6
i flew to florida yesterday and boy are my arms tired.


get it??


..hes a pilot

*utter silence*
I Beat Off Little Children..........


with sticks.

Quote by SteveHouse
I GoogleImage'd "shrug" to find an epic pic for this post. Instead I learned that a "shrug" is also an article of clothing.

My mind? Blown.
#9
Thats a funny sketch dude!

My friend and i are constantly like...'we should write that down or film it' from ideas we have.

I always wanted to do a parody of Masterchef. It would involve me, a pot noodle and a kettle but dramatise it and make it really serious! My friend would judge and be like...hmm i can taste noodles, it needs something...ahh thats it soy sauce! Sounds a bit lame but its the simple things that make me lul
Funky

Quote by thedefrockednun
you made my day

Quote by el-ECTRO
bada bing or whatever he's called. EPIC WIN.




Mighty Blades
#10
Quote by bada-bing
Thats a funny sketch dude!

My friend and i are constantly like...'we should write that down or film it' from ideas we have.

I always wanted to do a parody of Masterchef. It would involve me, a pot noodle and a kettle but dramatise it and make it really serious! My friend would judge and be like...hmm i can taste noodles, it needs something...ahh thats it soy sauce! Sounds a bit lame but its the simple things that make me lul


Lol you had me at noodle
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
#11
Heres a lame one i came up with...

What is it with men. We act all tough and desensitized to everything, but even the toughest of us get a tear in our eye on occasion. I bet if you could personally witness andre the giant stubbing his toe or hitting his chin on his bed frame, even he would be balled up in the fetal position trying not to either cry or kill someone...it happens to the best of us...
"A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government."
- Edward Abbey


"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students."
- John Ciardi
#12
Quote by jjlane86
Heres a lame one i came up with...

What is it with men. We act all tough and desensitized to everything, but even the toughest of us get a tear in our eye on occasion. I bet if you could personally witness andre the giant stubbing his toe or hitting his chin on his bed frame, even he would be balled up in the fetal position trying not to either cry or kill someone...it happens to the best of us...


Congrats. You have one less job option now.
I Beat Off Little Children..........


with sticks.

Quote by SteveHouse
I GoogleImage'd "shrug" to find an epic pic for this post. Instead I learned that a "shrug" is also an article of clothing.

My mind? Blown.
#13
I said it was lame...what do you people want from me!?!? lol
"A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government."
- Edward Abbey


"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students."
- John Ciardi
#14
I would absolutely love to do a stand-up gig. Theres a great place in Glasgow called (cleverly) 'The Stand'. They have a night on Tuesdays called 'Red Raw', basically anybody who has the dogs danglies can perform. Ive seen some good and some bad. You get 5minutes and try your best.

EDIT: 'Dogs danglies' was a phrase used by someone yesterday in a thread but i have taken it on board as it makes me giggle everytime!
Funky

Quote by thedefrockednun
you made my day

Quote by el-ECTRO
bada bing or whatever he's called. EPIC WIN.




Mighty Blades
#15
Quote by The_Casinator
I'm not in the mood for comedy, Zeguitarist is leaving ug

Wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Seriously...
#17
Good, now I can do all my Christopher Reeves jokes.
Holden Caulfield is a friend of mine.
We go drinking from time to time.
#18
I would love to have the confidence and quick/sharpness to do standup, most people say im a funny guy, but most of my humour is completely random and made up on the spot, its very boosh-esque I guess you can say.

I make up stories like the one about Harold the first ant to successfull navigate the glouchester park lake using his boat made of a twig and a terrys chocolate orange wrapper. And Freddie the bubblegum man that went to florida for a bubblegum convention, but because of the heat he went all melted and flacid, so when he came home and his wife couldnt be satisfied she cheated on him with Larry the womanising Chewinggum man, Freddie found out about the affair and confronted them, his wife was all like 'Im sorry Freddie, but me and Larry where doing it doing it for the future of gum-based chewing devices everywhere, we wanted to make offspring with the flavour of bubblegum but the consistancy of chewing gum' but Freddie had none of it and left, but it wasn't all sad, Freddie stuck Larry in a freezer for an hour, when he was let out he was all hard and stale, no gum-based organism will want him now.

So as you can see...hardly stand-up based.
Last edited by Hakanku at Mar 26, 2009,
#19
Do you know in Finland, you have to either join the army or do community service after you turn 18.

It's like they're already sentencing these kids to do hard time.

I mean how does this work, like a new born baby is taken infront of the judge and and judge decides the sentence?

'Hmmm. Well baby, you look nice; but I know you're gonna fuck up some day. So 10 months of community service for you.'

But how does the judge even know the apperent guilt of the child?

Does he guess?

...Is he god? (imagine it in geroge carlin's sarcastic voice)

Or did the baby threaten the judge or any other official?

Did the baby make this face

Quote by chimneyfish
"death-metal is the best when its in the shape of a dildo and shoved in my ass"


Born to lose...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...live to Win
#20
Quote by spider666
Do you know in Finland, you have to either join the army or do community service after you turn 18.

It's like they're already sentencing these kids to do hard time.

I mean how does this work, like a new born baby is taken infront of the judge and and judge decides the sentence?

'Hmmm. Well baby, you look nice; but I know you're gonna fuck up some day. So 10 months of community service for you.'

But how does the judge even know the apperent guilt of the child?

Does he guess?

...Is he god? (imagine it in geroge carlin's sarcastic voice)

Or did the baby threaten the judge or any other official?

Did the baby make this face

-baby-


haah..
#21
Quote by Shredxmyheart
Good, now I can do all my Christopher Reeves jokes.




I have no standup.

I suck at it, therefor I do not attempt it.

But what's the deal with airline peanuts...
~don't finkdinkle when ur supposed to be dimpdickin~
#22
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says,
"Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "The light was on


I'm here all week
#23
"So, I live in Bangor. The Welsh one, not the Irish. Not the one in Maine either. Anyway, just to give you an idea of what it's like living in Bangor, or anywhere in Wales, imagine the painting "In Escher's Steps" by John Parson. Now imagine it with hills. Honestly, you have to go up a hill to go down a hill."

"I used to work in Sportsworld. That's a lie, isn't it? Sportsworld. There's one corner on the top floor dedicated to sporting goods, and that's just a few Liverpool shirts and a golf club. Most of it is clothes, school bags, and edible underwear. Oh, and Crocs, the footwear, I mean, not the reptile. Which got me to thinking, what are Crocs? People seem to be wearing them out and about, which I'm sure isn't right. How can Crocs be fashionable? It looks like you've strapped a lego block to your feet. Did a five year old come up with the colours for them? I think they're slippers that have gotten a bit carried away."
#24
Quote by Minkaro
"So, I live in Bangor. The Welsh one, not the Irish. Not the one in Maine either. Anyway, just to give you an idea of what it's like living in Bangor, or anywhere in Wales, imagine the painting "In Escher's Steps" by John Parson. Now imagine it with hills. Honestly, you have to go up a hill to go down a hill."

"I used to work in Sportsworld. That's a lie, isn't it? Sportsworld. There's one corner on the top floor dedicated to sporting goods, and that's just a few Liverpool shirts and a golf club. Most of it is clothes, school bags, and edible underwear. Oh, and Crocs, the footwear, I mean, not the reptile. Which got me to thinking, what are Crocs? People seem to be wearing them out and about, which I'm sure isn't right. How can Crocs be fashionable? It looks like you've strapped a lego block to your feet. Did a five year old come up with the colours for them? I think they're slippers that have gotten a bit carried away."


Thats brilliant dude! Its that kind off dtuff that would go really well at a gig.

You guys obv have public transport? Well good old ScotRail come up trumps everytime, right down to looping an annoucement in the station every 10secs. 'Always use the handrail and take care on the stairs'....alright i get it! But what if you defied(sp?) the system and didnt take care on the stairs, im a rebel without a cause when i go up or down the stairs, no handrail for me! I couldnt sue them if i did fall tho because they raped my ears with that garbage annoucement.
Funky

Quote by thedefrockednun
you made my day

Quote by el-ECTRO
bada bing or whatever he's called. EPIC WIN.




Mighty Blades
#25
there was once an tourist traveling in the countryside, after a long journey he got to stay at an farm owned by an old man. after a few days rest there the man was becoming really horny, so he asked the old man if there were any ladies near. The old man said there were no ladies around but told him that he should just jump on some sheep if the urge became to much to handle. After a few days the man was insanely horny so he decided to just test out a sheep, when the man was in action pounding the sheep, the old man stepped in and saw it. The man became really awkward but the farmer was just laughing his guts out, the man then asked the farmer: why are you laughing?.. then the farmer replied: Well your ****ing the ugliest sheep on the farm!

just a joke.. wouldnt really fit in a standup routine.
#27
Quote by urbanfox
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says,
"Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "The light was on


I'm here all week


*very slow clap*
Quote by DrewsGotTheLife
yea man, who ever doesnt like pantera or think they suck doesnt like metal, end of discussion, they changed the freakin world n made history, so don't be sayin they suck, have respect, same goes for machine head n lamb of god cuz their good too
#28
" lifesavers have got to be the most maniacle candy on earth. Who was in charge of the packaging on these things? You get past the paper and you think alright theres some foil here. seems heigenically safe enough by my standards. im only one layer of tin foil away from a rainbow of deliciousness. But no they couldnt make it that easy theres wax paper underneath glued down with what only i can guess is super glue crafted by satan himself. jesus christ i dont know why they call them lifesavers the stress from getting the damn things open is enough to kill a middle aged person! maybe it because after the 4th hour of opening them youll give up on candy and say **** it ill have a salad."

i would do this whole one on stage whila trying to open a pack of actual lifesavers and then throwing them into the crowd when saying **** it
You Are Now Aware Of Your Own Breathing
#30
Quote by Oroborous
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"


I got a better one.


Jhon Karey walks into a bar *the guy who ran against bush that is*, the bartender asks "why the long face?"
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
#31
Quote by IwannaBeSadated
So; I love stand up comedy, i'm geussing many of you do. Now i'm no comedian myself, thou I wish I was, but I do often have funny thoughts, or at least tend to be funny to me. I'm geussing most of us do.

So pit, Post short peices of any material you have here, and lets have some lols and fails.

I'll start with the first thing that comes to mind.

"So I was in florida recently, terrible place. The beaches are so deciving. On comercials you'll see absolutly gorgeous people in no clothes playing volley ball or some **** but when you actually get there its just like, thousands of old people tanning. Jesus, its rediculous, this one guy was possible as tan as I've ever seen a human being, he was about 70, in a speedo, just chillin on the beach. I just wanted to look at him and be like "...dude you won, you can stop now. You succesfully smacked god in the face and changed races, congratulations."

Yea nothing epic obviously, probably wont even get a lul, but you get the idea of the thread, lets see what ya got pit.

That was pretty good, dude. I got lulz. Elaborate a little more on the old people tanning part a little. Add a little sentence or two there, it's probably gonna be more effective at the end.
Uncle Vernon, Uncle Vernon,
independent as a hog on ice,
He's a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse,
Plays accordion for Mr. Weiss
#32
How about that airline food? Whassupwitdat?!?!

My act includes but is not limited to dumbass attempts at old jokes with sarcastic disclaimers that follow them.
#33
"Porn is too elaborate these days, I was surfing the web the other day and I found a new one. Disney porn. I don't mean stuff like cartoons of Mulan taking it to the tonsils, I mean people in costumes getting down to some chuckle-time. Seriously, how do you get to the point where the only way to get your rocks off is to put your lady in a Goofy hat, slip on some Mickey Mouse ears, bend her over and say 'are you ready to receive my Steamboat Willy? HEIGH HOOO!'"
Quote by ozzyismetal
Neopowell, that's because you are a pumped-up sex offender.
Quote by Kensai
You're exactly the kind of person who'd have sex in a bar drunk
Quote by Zero-Hartman
You're a terrible, terrible man. This is a new middle for you.

I write things. You can read them.Essay on UK student riots
#34
Quote by neopowell
"Porn is too elaborate these days, I was surfing the web the other day and I found a new one. Disney porn. I don't mean stuff like cartoons of Mulan taking it to the tonsils, I mean people in costumes getting down to some chuckle-time. Seriously, how do you get to the point where the only way to get your rocks off is to put your lady in a Goofy hat, slip on some Mickey Mouse ears, bend her over and say 'are you ready to receive my Steamboat Willy? HEIGH HOOO!'"





but seriously i've fapped to that before
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
#35
Heres one that the Brits will get.

"I live in a pretty posh area of town now, and I don't fit in. These guys talk about hummus for three hours. I try and explain stuff like David Lynch to them and I feel like an immigrant from mars or something. By the way, I know I just used the words 'lynch' and 'immigrant' in the same sentence, but if anyone here reads the Daily Mail could you wipe the drool off your chin and sit down? We're not playing word association."
Quote by ozzyismetal
Neopowell, that's because you are a pumped-up sex offender.
Quote by Kensai
You're exactly the kind of person who'd have sex in a bar drunk
Quote by Zero-Hartman
You're a terrible, terrible man. This is a new middle for you.

I write things. You can read them.Essay on UK student riots
#36
Quote by IwannaBeSadated
So; I love stand up comedy, i'm geussing many of you do. Now i'm no comedian myself, thou I wish I was, but I do often have funny thoughts, or at least tend to be funny to me. I'm geussing most of us do.

So pit, Post short peices of any material you have here, and lets have some lols and fails.

I'll start with the first thing that comes to mind.

"So I was in florida recently, terrible place. The beaches are so deciving. On comercials you'll see absolutly gorgeous people in no clothes playing volley ball or some **** but when you actually get there its just like, thousands of old people tanning. Jesus, its rediculous, this one guy was possible as tan as I've ever seen a human being, he was about 70, in a speedo, just chillin on the beach. I just wanted to look at him and be like "...dude you won, you can stop now. You succesfully smacked god in the face and changed races, congratulations."

Yea nothing epic obviously, probably wont even get a lul, but you get the idea of the thread, lets see what ya got pit.

That would have been a good laugh if someone actually said it, rather than reading it.
Quote by Kensai
Ovenman, your contraptions make women's

clothes evaporate.
____________________


I WANT THE TWOOTH!

____________________________

Quote by aaciseric
That's far too clever to be posted in the Pit.
#38
Right i'm going to do some stand up comedy as long as my legs don't cave in. Then it will be me lying on the floor with broken legs comedy. (i'm fat)

Anyway getting here was terrible, we got pulled over off the runway and had our plane borded by mi5, they pointed guns at my head and i said what the hell have i done ? the lady pipes up behind me and said i know your plan your a bask terrorist i said no love i'm a bass guitarist.

Essex is weird place for one its a town full of slappers you'd kind of expect it with sex in the title the weirdest thing is its the only place where the women have a higher sperm count than the men, they know how to use chairs though, you know you can get four essex girls on one stool, all you have to do is turn it upside down.

Two blondes walk into a bar you would have thought one of them would have seen it.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

two mexicans are stranded in the desert famished of food they come along a bacon tree they run towards it papa is gunned down he whispers to his son with his dying words this isnt a bacon tree its a ham bush.

and a similar one to ninnipinnis joke

there was once an tourist traveling in the countryside, after a long journey he got to stay at an farm owned by an old man. after a few days rest there the man was becoming really horny, so he asked the old man if there were any ladies near. The old man said there were no ladies around but told him that he should just jump on a horse if the urge became to much to handle. After a few days the man was insanely horny so he decided to just test out a horse, when the man was in action pounding the horse, the old man stepped in and saw it. The man became really awkward but the farmer was just laughing his guts out, the man then asked the farmer: why are you laughing?.. then the farmer replied: I meant ride the horse to the next town and pay for a prostitute.

Thats all i can think of so far.
Last edited by josh999x at Mar 30, 2009,
#40
Quote by neopowell
Heres one that the Brits will get.

"I live in a pretty posh area of town now, and I don't fit in. These guys talk about hummus for three hours. I try and explain stuff like David Lynch to them and I feel like an immigrant from mars or something. By the way, I know I just used the words 'lynch' and 'immigrant' in the same sentence, but if anyone here reads the Daily Mail could you wipe the drool off your chin and sit down? We're not playing word association."


As a brit I can honestly say that there is nothing more welcome than someone bashing the daily mail. Nice one.
Anywho, mine:

"Now, everyone has their fears when they're children. Some children are afraid of heights, some are afraid are afraid of monsters, others may even have fears over something as menial as broccoli. But I sincerely doubt that anyone had a fear quite as bizarre as mine. I was absoloutly petrified- and believe me, I mean petrified- of that loveable red scamp, “Henry Hoover”. The general reaction to this news is of derivative laughter, but let's have a look at what makes this cheap and cheerful vacuum quite so monstrous. What kind of child-friendly designer of Hoovers decided that it would be a good idea to give a hoover a face? And not just a face, a horrible, sly grin which implies a certain amount of cunning intelligence. Now suction power combined with malevolent, human-like intelligence is terrifying and you can't deny it.
My worst fear was coming home from school, my youthful brow sweating after a long hard day of primary school education, opening the door with a smile and being faced with a demonic red hoover, suction pipe at the ready, grinning maliciously through the darkness."
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Quote by .smudged.
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