#1
C4C guys just re-wrote a couple parts read it and let me know what you think

The pen is mighter
than the sword,
thats how the old
saying goes.

Wars are started
with the pens
of blood thirsty tyrants,
signing away the lives
of the ones they are
meant to protect.

Wars are ended,
by the swords of martyrs,
the brave and the faithful,
willing to cast all aside
for a common goal,
Survival

So who is wrong,
and who is right?
Is there a price
for a human life?

What's the point of
fighting, if there's
nothing left to win?

The mangled bodies,
beyond the point
of recognition,
the effects of
power hungry,
men and women

The will to live,
and the desire to die
all that remains,
is the need to survive
Last edited by therealtater at Mar 28, 2009,
#2
Error here: "with the pen / of tyrants," agreement, should be "with the pens / of tyrants".

I don't really agree with the theme of the song, but it's a very well written, and well thought out work in-so-far-as the lyrics. I would like to hear the instrumental stuff behind it, but as it stands this is a good set of lyrics.
#3
ok I fixed that error, and its actually a poem not a song, and I dont have a problem with war if its for the right cause this is just something I needed to do for school and I liked how it came out so here it is do you have anything you need crited?
#4
I understand this piece but I think it needs some extension for the message to come across a bit more clearly. Maybe you could extend the bit before 'sword of martyrs' maybe hinting at the cowardice of the 'tyrants' who don't actually fight or something. As it stands though there's nothing wrong with it at all. Perhaps to make it look nicer you could separate out what you consider different verses? It'll add more natural pauses to the piece.
#6
Overall, this is pretty good. The lyrics flow very nicely, I especially like the first two stanzas. like no lolage said, you could extend it a little to better define the message.

Just a thought, I think if you were to put it to music, it would fit perfectly with "Rust in Peace" by Megadeth.
#7
i read through it a couple times and i thought it flowed really decently and what not,
and then my brain got caught on the very last verse.

that was some serious thought put into that, from my perspective.
i feel like going to africa and finding some reson to live after this.

so i guess, in all, your poem is thought-provoking.
definately over too fast though. just saying. good job, mate.
#8
Quote by GrungeJunkie
Overall, this is pretty good. The lyrics flow very nicely, I especially like the first two stanzas. like no lolage said, you could extend it a little to better define the message.

Just a thought, I think if you were to put it to music, it would fit perfectly with "Rust in Peace" by Megadeth.


I dont plan on putting music to it, and I cant stand Daves voice long enough to listen to Megadeth its too high pitched for me but if I do put music to it I will remember that also any pointers on extending it a little? I think that if I extend it to much talking about starting the war it would be to much like War Pigs by Sabbeth
#9
hey dude cheers again for criting my piece earlier

I quite like it - solid piece, like the other guy said, I'd make it a bit longer maybe add another verse or two to really help the message come out there
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#11
maybe talk about the inanity of men killing other men / how they just happened to be born under different leaders and have totally different opinions?

forgotten who said it (may have been robert mcnamara) but this quote is pretty cool 'war does not determine who is right, only who is left'
(god bless those CoD death-screens)
Gear
ESP LTD Truckster James Hetfield Sig
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Desired Gear
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EHX Metal Muff
MXR 10-Band EQ

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Illusory Master
#12
Quote by PuppetMaster91
maybe talk about the inanity of men killing other men / how they just happened to be born under different leaders and have totally different opinions?

forgotten who said it (may have been robert mcnamara) but this quote is pretty cool 'war does not determine who is right, only who is left'
(god bless those CoD death-screens)


haha yeah I was thinking about using that quote by Franklin The tree of liberty must be refreshed with the blood of patriots and tyrants or something like that but idk
#13
I liked this quite a bit. Building off the pen is mightier than the sword was a good start, and I loved how you played off of it in the second stanza. In the fourth stanza "beyond the point of recognition" seemed almost a bit too long for me. It didn't fit well with the rhythm I have in my head (which is obviously not yours, so take this with a grain of salt). It could be written "Beyond recognition" and still get the point across in fewer syllables, possibly helping flow. My personal opinion there. I really liked the end as well.

What you have here is great. I think you really should use the quote from Jefferson "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants", but tweak it a bit to make it work, because trying to use it straight probably wouldn't work. I'd say just play around with it and have some fun. Thanks for the crit. Great job again, PM me if you come up with another stanza.
#14
I've been thinking about that Jefferson quote and I dont think I could use it in this but I like that quote 'war does not determine who is right, only who is left' I may try and work it in somewhere after the 2nd stanza
#15
Quote by therealtater
C4C guys

The pen is mighter
than the sword,
thats how the old
saying goes.
This stanza seems virtually useless to me. It does not have much content, just states that a saying exists. The poem would not suffer if this was cut out.

Wars are started
with the pens
of tyrants,
and ended by the
swords of martyrs.
Good

So who is wrong,
and who is right?
Is there really a price
for a human life?

Huh? How does this relate to the above?

What's the point of
fighting, if there's
nothing left to win

The mangled bodies,
beyond the point
of recognition,
the effects of
power hungry,
men and women

This rhyme of the three bolded words, whether intentional or not irritates me.

The will to live,
and the desire to die
all that remains,
is the need to survive


Pretty good. Needs some work, but it's good. I get oyur message.
#16
I swear to god that ending stanza just beat my ass into the ground with the power of awesome.

The first two stanzas however don't really click with me. And I think you should add more to this piece. I like it so far! and thanks for the crit on my piece :P
#17
I re-wrote it, if you guys dont mind reading over it again and letting me know what you think of the changes I would appericate it and I'll be willing to crit another piece if you want me too
Last edited by therealtater at Mar 28, 2009,
#18
Well, I've read (I think) most of your pieces, and this is the best so far. You really have improved in a short time.
However, it's still not quite there. You sound like any other person describing modern war and misery. I want to hear your voice come out through this, your way of describing things, your word choice, your way of thinking. Also, I respect rhyming. But if it's limiting your development or your expression of the concept, don't bother. No matter what, if you say what you really set out to say, it'll sound better. One final thing... (and this is just my opinion) if it can be said the same way in less words, do it. Make the reader dig.

Anyways, just my thoughts. I'm not exactly a pro writer, but I thought I would throw in my 2 cents. Cheers
#19
You could add in a line saying how the tyrants hide when their people are in need or something to that effect if you want to extend it and get your point across.. but i'm definitely new to this so my advice may be considered null and void ;]
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