#1
Hi I wrote this literally, just now. All crits welcome and returned =], thanks.

Beauty viewed through an eye,
Is life lived in a second,
But it is a life nonetheless,

When your tiny pupils saw life,
You twisted the amorphous innocence,
To your every bidding,

Perhaps the world would rather go blind,
Than allow beauty be,
Twisted to darkness.
Last edited by no lolage at Mar 27, 2009,
#2
it was a good piece, but a little on the short side. I dont really care for this style of writing but I liked this a lot I didnt see any problems with what you have either. If you dont mind criting my piece Survival, theres a link in the sig
#3
Quote by no lolage
Hi I wrote this literally, just now. All crits welcome and returned =], thanks.

Beauty viewed through an eye,
Is life lived in a second,
But it is a life nonetheless,

When your tiny pupils saw life,
You twisted the amorphous beauty,
To your every bidding,

Perhaps the world would rather,
Go blind than allow beauty be,
Twisted to darkness.


Seems to me there's a lot of repetition in this little piece, especially the word beauty. Variation could help. Also, I think it's a bit incoherent, and that's maybe why I don't really get what it's all about. The idea is good, though, but it all needs to be worked out some more, which isn't very surprising when you've just written this down.

C4C?
#5
I like it =]
It's a bit short and has some space to be filled in, but that can be done.
I'm not really fond of this style of writing, either, but the whole concept is portrayed well.
It took me a few times to read over to catch it, but well done.
"It's called a lance...hello..."

Songs
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[highlight][thread="1093413"]Now, I'm not naming names here...(Rachel)[/thread]

[thread="1093413"]-Currently Untitled-[/thread][/highlight]

Crit? Comment? Suggestion? Yeaaaah =]
#6
I agree with therealtater, it's a bit on the short side, but that's just the nature of the beast with on the spot writing. I liked it a fair amount, but it is true that "beauty" was a bit overused. Perhaps "allure" or something like that would help keep things fresh. It's not cheating to use a thesaurus Also, you don't have to have punctuation at the end of every line, so in the last stanza for instance, the commas at the end of the first two lines are unnecessary and actually sort of break up the flow, because we naturally insert a break at a comma and there isn't supposed to be a break right there. I liked the last stanza the most. The idea was really interesting (perhaps we'd rather not see at all than see beauty turned to darkness). Very nice. All in all pretty good, I just think you need to rework the punctuation and take a peek in a thesaurus, both of which are minor things. If you could crit Doppelganger Rose in my sig, I'd appreciate it. Peace
#7
Thanks guys. I'll re-work it slightly based on your crits. And I changed the title of the thread to conform with the rules. =]
#8
Actually you haven't changed the title. You changed the sub-title thingy that's inside the thread, but it still shows up on the forums as "On the spot writing". To get THAT changed, just PM a moderator and ask them to change it to "Untitled". Thought I'd let you know so this beauty can keep getting some views Thanks for the crit by the way.
#9
I think you have some really keen ideas here, but the way you represented them did nothing for me. I really can't say I enjoyed this, other than the fact that I saw great potential in it, that was, overall, lost in something I can't quite pin-point. Maybe the fact that it wasn't developed enough; you had one idea and that was it, and that idea wasn't hitting me in the face, either. I felt forced to re-read it over and over, trying to find a morsel of nourishment for my mind.
I also found the use of comma's at the end of each line to be irritating. I personally don't see why they were used. Maybe you had a specific point for them, but I didn't notice it?
I never like reading a line that always begins with a capital, either.

Just a few thoughts. It's disappointing this failed to grab me, as it had wonderful ideas.