#1
Bring it up, just to break it down
Rip it up from the inside out
But it won't last long, your power will run out
Don't make mistakes like the ones before you
You will succeed, in your true goal
Only to taste defeat

Run off to the mountains
Find yourself a nice rock
Look over this land
It can be yours, it will be yours
Rule with out help from God
Unite the people
Just one true fascist state
You know what it takes

Bring it up, just to break it down
Rip it up from the inside out
But it won't last long, your power will run out
Don't make mistakes like the ones before you
You will succeed, in your true goal
Only to taste defeat

Bring everything back to the beginning
Circle two running through your brain
Darkness fills the world after light
Deceived minds, try to fight
But the power is to great
And only one can over come your searing hate
In the end you will be crushed,
But your battle, already won


As always C4C.

The title and "circle two"are both references to The Germs frontman, Darby Crash, who, I believe, was an antichrist. Basically, this song is about the final antichrist.
Bitch Stole My Taco!
#2
I kinda liked it, but it felt a bit rough around the edges. The flow seemed off in some places, and some of the language seemed to be a bit weak. I think the flow in the repeated stanza needs to be tweaked the most 1) because it was consistently the roughest, just enough to be bothersome and 2) because it's repeated, so it kept showing up. "The ones before you"? Who are "the ones"? That's just a question born of curiosity. "it can be yours, it will be yours" - this seemed to be unnecessary repetition. Could you communicate the same idea without repeating almost the exact same thing twice in a row? "And only one can overcome your searing hate" - This line seemed much too long. It could work split into two, but as a single line I feel like it's way too long.

This piece was on the bright side of alright. It wasn't a particularly original idea and the language/writing didn't particularly set it apart. I think that there are three things you could do too make this amazing:
1) Smooth out the flow. Count the syllables if you have to and try to keep a relatively consistent number or pattern of numbers.
2) Spice up the language. Make it unique, fresh. Stand out from the crowd. Try to replace bland adjectives and verbs with exciting ones. Use a thesaurus, they're the greatest thing ever made. Almost...
3) Perhaps a little lighter on the repetition. The chorus was kinda meh, and there was some repetition of words that was a little annoying to me. I think seemingly unnecessary repetition is a pet peeve of mine. Perhaps even go so far as to replace one of the repeated stanzas with a completely new stanza and just go without a chorus. I dunno. That's your opinion, your call. Mostly just a matter of taste I suppose.

All said, this wasn't bad, but it has the potential to be better. If you don't mind, could you crit Doppelganger Rose in my sig? I'd really appreciate it. Take it easy, and keep working on this. Make it amazing Peace
#3
hey man nice piece - the theme is actually quite similar to one i've just written (sig)...
anyway like the other guy said...it is a little rough around the edges but definitely a solid piece worth developing imo

The first two lines are awesome
I don't like the use of the word 'power' in the third line...it just seems a little 'superhero / comic book-y' and ruins the gritty...owellian theme of the rest of it - maybe look for an alternative like time, will or something?

Run off to the mountains
Find yourself a nice rock
Look over this land
It can be yours, it will be yours
Rule with out help from God
Unite the people
Just one true fascist state
You know what it takes

Good verse except the first two lines...the first is meh and the second is just urghh...'nice'??!!? wtf is that doing there!!

But yeah...with a bit of work you may be onto something - if you could crit my piece Illusory Master (in my sig) id really appreciate it

Cheers
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C4C
Illusory Master
#4
Those first two lines really pull me into it, but I think some words could be changed to make it flow better. Great idea though.
#5
The chorus(?) is great. Them only part I didn't really like is the first verse...it doesn't flow well with me. Maybe it'd be better with music?

C4C?
meh
#6
Most of this I either like or I cannot figure out what I do not like.. the exception is the line "It can be yours, It will be yours" I would replace this repitition w/ something shorter and non repetitive like "It will soon be yours" of course you can take my advice w/ a grain of salt ;] Could u take a look at my untitled if u don't mind? it is linked in my sig
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations