#1
I danced my pretty dance and
swished my pretty hair and
wiggled my hips like a
little jitterbug (hehe).
Aren't I cute?
Hey pretty lady
Mind if this stud
hops in for a twistttt?



im ugly
youre ugly
just dance.


edit: i only like this if i think of Grease and the recent crappy top 40s songs. c4c of course always always
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Mar 26, 2009,
#2
Quote by vintage x metal
I danced my pretty dance and
swished my pretty hair and
wiggled my hips like a
little jitterbug (hehe).
Aren't I cute?
Hey pretty lady
Mind if this stud
hops in for a twistttt?



im ugly
youre ugly
just dance.


edit: i only like this if i think of Grease and the recent crappy top 40s songs. c4c of course always always


Deep. Reeeeeaaaaaaally deep. *Swooshed* right over me head. Or under me lol
I don't get it.... Is it a joke?
#3
Think.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
Quote by vintage x metal
Think.


Never saw Grease. Never listen to Top 40. I'm a hermit
#5
Lose the smilies and this might work. I'd replace them with either italics or separate lines in parenthesis like,

"Hey pretty lady
(wink wink)
mind if this stud
hops in for a twist
(breathless)"


I dunno. The smilies just makes me hate this; it makes it feel immature and not like a well composed piece where you are exploring the simplicity of sexual drive. Also, the ending had almost not impact to me. I get the mood swing, but I don't feel like to developed it at all. You just presented the raw material when it begs for something more significant and pseudo-raw. Where you present it in a "raw" way, but still used a refined presentation to make it seem like we're living it with you.
#6
The smilies make it immature, which gives character. I agree with the ending, though. It wasn't built up enough.
#7
The immaturity is meant to be there; it's supposed to be almost disgustingly cheesy.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#8
Personally, I liked the smiley faces. It sorta gave it a unique character that set this apart. I think the end works ok as it is, but it could be amazing if you built it up a bit more. However, at the same time, I think the abruptness of it adds something, almost like a sense of throwing one's hands up in the air, just giving up on a lie everybody catches and saying "Ah, screw it, we both know it" I didn't really catch the connections to Grease or the top 40s songs of today (which are crappy), but I'm too lazy right now to really ponder it for too long. Good stuff, I'd love to see it built up some more, but I don't think it would be a travesty to leave it as is. Would you mind critting Doppelganger Rose in my sig? Keep up the good work.
#9
Quote by vintage x metal
The immaturity is meant to be there; it's supposed to be almost disgustingly cheesy.

And I think it's really lovely because of that. You've really impressed me even more recently.
#10
Quote by vintage x metal
The immaturity is meant to be there; it's supposed to be almost disgustingly cheesy.


I understand that. But the fact that its there also made those line unbearable to read. Guess it hit with Dan... but to me, it took what could have been a decent idea in those lines and made me wish you'd never written them.
#12
I don't like the smileys, and I'll tell you why. Because the lines by themselves bring across that immaturity, but the good kind of immaturity, the one (i assume) you want. Since you already have that immaturity, the only thing the smileys do is bring the negative kind of immaturity. It doesn't bring anything good that wasn't already there. You don't need the smileys to make the piece look like an adorable little kitten. It does that on its own.
#13
Yeah, what you said there, Ben, made sense. Taking them away won't actually detract from the piece at all, so why have them there? The piece will still feel like a wrestling/chess match between two toddles.

I see what you are saying, Zach.
#14
I do think something is lost with taking out the smileys though. I know it makes it disgusting to read, but that's the point... Sure it is still immature/cheesy on it's own, but the smileys just make it painful. The speaker is meant to be hated. I look at it and think 'God, ew' and would hope you feel the same way... so long as it evokes that feeling of dismay/disrespect.


Anyway, I see where you're coming from. A piece shouldn't have to be clarified to be understood as intended.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#16
The smiley's didn't affect me either way. They certainly popped out when I was looking at the rollover preview on the forum page, but I think way too big of a deal is being made out of their presence. To move on with it:
I danced my pretty dance and
swished my pretty hair and
wiggled my hips like a
little jitterbug (hehe).
Aren't I cute?
Hey pretty lady
Mind if this stud
hops in for a twistttt?
I didn't like how you put a linebreak in the last sentence. IMO, if it's supposed to be like speech, I would just put the whole thing on one line. Also, regarding "twistttt", the repeated letter should be "s", I think. People don't draw out their "tuh" sounds.


im ugly
youre ugly
just dance.
I really like the lack of punctuation here. My favorite facet of this whole thing, I think.



There isn't a whole lot to say. It's very effective in this form. The only overall advice I can give is to add a short intro- not so much because the piece needs it, but because it just would be better with one. Like extra credit, I guess. Anyways, this intro (in my mind) would add a little bit more onto the female character, maybe with a hint of foreshadowing of how this is going to turn out. But w/e, it's unnecessary. Nice.

EDIT: Wtf, it took out the smilies. Oh well...
#17
You said that this is supposed to make the speaker be hated.. Mission accomplished my friend xD that was painful to read and the smilies are like rubbing salt in the wound ;] Do u mind critiquing my untitled in my sig while I read Doppleganger Rose again to stop the agony =P
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations