I was messing around so i made this for my band tell me what you guys think

Same Old War

Your are fighting for no reason,
but to fill your unnatural desire
why do you do this?
are you just bored?

it burning you out,
its spreading you thin,
tearing you apart,
inside and out.

Its just the same old war,
same old battle.
your hurting yourself and
all those around you.
your making them hate,
your making them hate you

Doesnt it bother you,
that you are ruining your life
its destroying you
its destroying everything

the screaming, is there a point to it?
is there a reason for this?
or is it just a never ending battle?
is there no reason needed to justify this?

its wearing me out
you can stop it
so why dont you do it?
its destroying your life

Quote by god of lamb
Your username is ZOMBIES! but your avatar is that of a duck????!!!

****ing genius biiach

i haz a PRS SE Custom
i loves it

I pay for music and so does 329 other people
Last edited by ZOMBIES! at Mar 26, 2009,
First, be careful about requesting crits. Bumping is against the forum rules and a stickler might get ticked about it. The two easiest ways to get crits: 1) Crit other peoples work and then tack on a link to your own work at the end of your crit (look for people who say C4C in their work, they are the one's who actually should look at your work and crit it) 2) Be one of those people who say C4C in the introduction to their work. Then, people who want crits for their own works will come here, crit yours, and ask you to crit theirs. It's a beautiful system. And now I'll go ahead and crit this

Overall, this is kind of a cliche idea. It's ok to write about cliche ideas (after all, what ideas AREN'T really cliche when music has been around as long as it has?), but you absolutely HAVE to try to do something to set it apart. Use interesting, fresh imagery or language. You have to try to separate your work from the rest of the hundreds of works about the pointlessness and hopelessness of war. You also may want to try to rewrite this with less rhetorical questions. It seems to me that if you ask that many questions, people will be stopping to think about them all the time, sorta breaking up the flow. Rhetorical questions aren't all around bad, but there needs to be moderation I think. That's a personal opinion I suppose. I think if you play around with these things, it will turn this from a standard, cookie-cutterish work (I don't mean to be cruel, but it is sorta typical) and turn it into something awesome. As far as actually what you've got down, there aren't really any problems with flow and such. A couple places were a bit rough, but nothing that really NEEDS to be changed.
In summary, I simply suggest you try to spend a bit more time with this, making it unique and fresh. If you don't mind, would you mind taking a look at Doppelganger Rose in my sig? Peace out, and keep working with this. Don't give up on it