#1
simple i know but its about this girl i like so its pretty straight forward

Falling for you is like gliding off of a mountain
As the colors go from grey to bright as I’m fallin
Your like a sunset that just wont end
With eyes that are just like the ocean
You make me think of all the things I love
Like music, beaches and baseball
Just the thought of you makes me smile
And want to just hang for out a while
Have a drink and let it all fade
And realize that me and you have got it made

My eyes in yours, your hand in mine
Its you and me slowly forgetting time

Like a sunset and a sunrise
I can count on you to be beautiful
I want to just sit with you
With nothing really to do
And watch the sunset reflect off the water
The suns setting but I swear its getting hotter
Time with you is time I cant miss
Cause every moments is just oh so bliss
I wanna lay with you on the oceans shore
But your not a crush, no your something more

My eyes in yours, your hand in mine
Its you and me slowly forgetting time
Don’t have to be no reason or rhyme
Cause its just you and me just wastin’ time

like i said its simple but this is still a rough rough copy so we'll see. any help is much appreciated and crit4crit of course. if you have a particular piece you want me to look at just link it.
dave matthews might.. just.. be.. god..

Quote by gregs1020
yes, pointing it at your head will send the sound towards your head.


it's the same with guns too, before you go testing that one.
#2
well first off,
i absolutely love this.

you have a very visual approach and that helps alot.
never glided off a mountain though...

but a sunset that won't end? that is sheer pwnage.
it has a very...in your head feel, but its relatable.
well accomplished.

i only disliked the eyes and hands part.
cliche didn't work here.
but everything else definately made me smile.

c4c?
#3
Sounds like a generic Jonas Brothers love song. Cheap rhymes make this song/poem worse. Your imagery and similes/metaphors are not bad at all, but don't try to rhyme if it doesn't work well. And it's too poppy for me, but it's an uncomplicated love song, so that is what it is meant to be. I may not like it much, but you perfected the genre. COngrats.
Btw, will this be a slow acoustic song? Sounds likeone in my head.
#4
"generic Jonas Brothers love song" oh lord i guess its major editing time. that is like my worst nightmare. i guess for now it'll be a play to girls song while i work on getting rid of the cheap rhymes and add more imagery. damn it

and yes slow acoustic, 4 chords. and hopefully when i record it i can work out a big ballad style guitar solo. lol
dave matthews might.. just.. be.. god..

Quote by gregs1020
yes, pointing it at your head will send the sound towards your head.


it's the same with guns too, before you go testing that one.
#5
i am all in favour of an honest edge in writing but you tell the reader everything. You can get to the point without filling in all the gaps otherwise you leave nothing to the imagination. I didnt hate the piece i just thought it was a little obvious
#6
"
My eyes in yours, your hand in mine
Its you and me slowly forgetting time
"

although this is a bit cheesy, it's quite powerful as well. I could easily see this being used in an Angels & Airwaves song.

"Falling for you is like gliding off of a mountain"

Maybe remove the 'of' , it seems like the flow here is a bit difficult with it.

Also, I like the second verse over the first. The last four lines of the first verse are good though. The first 6 seem more or less out of place.

Hope this helped.