#1
Had to repost this cuz the old one got locked (doubleposting :X )...

So, this song's bout optimism and what not. Lookin' up and finding that light you need to carry on. In my opinion, It could end up kinda like a lullaby or something. Something you can sing to any female in general: Good friend, girlfriend, wife, daughter, etc. I might make it a chill bluesy song. Read it slowly:

"Sunshine"

Good mornin', my Sunshine.
Mmm, Dawn break's bright in your eyes,
Ooh, sweet,sweet Sunshine...

Have faith, girl,
With time there always comes a change,
A chance for you to be happy... again,
Mmm, Soak it in,
The sweet Sunshine.

Don't be afraid, hun,
Your world won't always be...what it seems,
But that's the funny thing...
Mhmm, On those rainy days,
There could be some sweet, sweet Sunshine.

With every pain, we learn a lesson.
And with every thorn, there comes a rose.
But It's a surprise, which only He knows.
Mmmhmm, wipe the tears from your eyes...
And take refuge, Ooh,
In that sweet, California Sunshine.

Yet again my love,
We've flown too high,
Come crashing down from the clear summer sky,
Blinded and weakened by such beautiful Sunshine.

Don't worry,
'Cuz I'll be just fine,
I just have to find the place we belong,
Under the world's faithful Sunshine.

I promised you,
We'd find a place to rest,
A place where we can close our eyes,
And feel the warmth of that sweet, sweet Sunshine.

And I still have hope,
We can make it all work out just fine,
As long as we've got the sweet California Sunshine.
Last edited by Patty-cakez at May 2, 2009,
#2
Wow man, Im really impressed with this. It's like an awesome Marvin Gaye/40's quartet super ballad. The first stanza is the perfect yet simple kick off, and I like how the stanzas get somewhat darker from there on and than brighten at the end again. Rock on
#3
Quote by OnFyre1211
Wow man, Im really impressed with this. It's like an awesome Marvin Gaye/40's quartet super ballad. The first stanza is the perfect yet simple kick off, and I like how the stanzas get somewhat darker from there on and than brighten at the end again. Rock on


That was kinda of an accident lol. I didn't want it to get darker, but I was in a ****ty mood and had good ideas for the song, so I just put 'em in. Thanks for the crit though mayne!
#4
I don't like it. But I don't like that kind of music. You get your message across well, and for a bluesy song, it's perfect.
#5
I really liked this you put so much emotion into this piece its amazing, I was on the verge of tears tbh, but I would get rid of the italicized part if I was you though I didnt see any problems at all with it,besides the italics, if you dont mind criting my newest piece Survival there is a link in my sig
#6
First of all thanks for critiquing my piece earlier. I didn't realize the creeping death link until a second ago. Now on to the business at hand.. This isn't really my style music ,but seeing as you said this is aimed at females, I let my gf read it.She loved it so you have a winner =)
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations
#7
Quote by stealer42
First of all thanks for critiquing my piece earlier. I didn't realize the creeping death link until a second ago. Now on to the business at hand.. This isn't really my style music ,but seeing as you said this is aimed at females, I let my gf read it.She loved it so you have a winner =)


Anytime man
Thanks a bunch to you too.
#8
I didn't mind it, I sang along to it over a C-F-G7-C progression for certain parts and a Am-F-C-G progression for other parts, sounded kinda cool.
Gave me a cool sounding progression sort of a campfire/saddish progression..

When I got to the italics part I thought it was intended to be sung in a real deep cheesy voice kinda like Andy Sambergs voice in "Dick In A Box" with Justin Timberlake for some reason.
Not sure why though..

Is it about death? >_>
#9
lol, no it's not about death. Although my grandpa died not too long ago, and that kinda reinspired me to write some more stuff..
#10
Hey thanks for commenting on my work, so I thought I would return the favor.

Overall it's really pretty and nicely written.
I really like the fifth verse, It would make a nice lullaby...
2010's Sexiest Female Uger

#11
Quote by FreakAddiction
Hey thanks for commenting on my work, so I thought I would return the favor.

Overall it's really pretty and nicely written.
I really like the fifth verse, It would make a nice lullaby...


Thanks, thats basically just what I was aiming for ;P
#12
Haha, I owe you a critique ;]

Dude, I really liked this piece. Usually I don't like things that are simple, but this is like, simple, yet affective. Like, not super over the top lyrics and not dull lyrics, and that's why I really like it. It's just a cool piece that flows pretty well.
If I had one complaint it would be that, if put to music, I'm not sure if the sunshine thing would be repetitive or not. However, maybe it's just a writing piece.
But overall I like this piece, it's really relaxing and calming, and I like how it's like, your talking to this person face to face, at least that's what I felt ;p
With the right music it could be a hit!