#1
I don't find this situation quite as humorous as I should,
Don't get me wrong,
at any other time I'd be laughing too,
But six months of "I dont knows" and sloppy seconds,
just kind of left me with a sour taste on my tongue
every time I speak.
everybodys drunk here.
I can see that clearly,
They all remind me so much of myself.
Drowning a hard weeks work
with a little more than the alcohol.
But I see right through the nervous laughter
and rose tinted skin
If only they could forget about me by morning,
but I've already made the impression
of being the depressed drunk
so I'll just keep my observations to myself.

I gased my conscience like it was a Jew
and I got to play Hitler.
It was fun for a while
until I realized that the allies were bombing my city
because they cared.
they never fucking cared.
they just wanted some money.

I'll pass out on a strangers lawn
and She'll softly fall asleep
reading Colossians four thirteen.
#2
Quote by bluesybilly
I gased my conscience like it was a Jew
and I got to play Hitler.

wat

Seriously, just no.
Incredibly poor taste.
Last edited by AA00P at Mar 27, 2009,
#3
Distasteful. Jew-Hitler thing doesn't work and is NOT something that should be there. Relatively meaningless, this poem/song struggles to find any semblence of quality to it as the colloquial, conversational, informal poem has no structure and a crude topic.
NO MORE CRAP PLOX!

YOU REALLY ARE THE WORLD'S BIGGEST DOUCHE!
#5
Quote by Eddie4President
Capitalize.

Spell.

Punctuate.

And you'll have some topnotch lyrics!


1. not lyrics
2. if they were then when im singing them how much would it matter if i did those three things. Cause people will definately go "oh yea i can tell by the way he sang that line that he capatlized it when he wrote it.
3. Fuck off
4. I honestly don't give a shit what you think of me, I'm merely replying to this to point out how idiotic your statement was so that maybe you will someday learn something
#6
Quote by bluesybilly
1. not lyrics
2. if they were then when im singing them how much would it matter if i did those three things. Cause people will definately go "oh yea i can tell by the way he sang that line that he capatlized it when he wrote it.
3. Fuck off
4. I honestly don't give a shit what you think of me, I'm merely replying to this to point out how idiotic your statement was so that maybe you will someday learn something

If you can't take the criticism then you shouldn't post your lyrics. He is right, if you have proper grammar and spelling you will get better feedback.
#7
Quote by Maharg
If you can't take the criticism then you shouldn't post your lyrics. He is right, if you have proper grammar and spelling you will get better feedback.


And proper content.
#8
Lol i like it
"You Laugh at me for Being Different. I laugh at you for all Being the Same."

Girls I want to Intercourse
Jessica Alba
Oprah
Girlicious (each of them)
Betty White
#9
Most of you really should just shut up; you're all embarrasing yourselves beyond belief.

This took it's time getting going. Most of it was solid material, but I feel the beginning could of been more condensed; thus giving it a better feel to it, and less of a feel-sorry-for-me styled rant. But, when it reached the second verse, I was laughing out loud at how beautiful it was, and my opinion of what I just said was totally reversed.

You ugly, douch-bag bastard, you're beautiful.

I think if this was to be altered - to make it more "consistent" - you'd lose a lot of it's off-the-hip charm and ridiculousness. So, listen to me and leave it as it is.


Daniel sends his greetings.


"It's my destiny, she wants me she beckons
She left me for dead but death didnt want no sloppy seconds"
- The Buzz Kill by Sage Francis.
I'm afraid I prefer his line...


This was a random critique...