#1
-A tad long but I would gladly trade critiques for your time and effort, Thanks all


Here's my something to contribute~
Here's my so much left to say~
Take your mistaken me for romance~
Take your take my breath away~

Take your always out to get me.
What you got was always missed.
Take your stop I get the message.
Because I really must persist~


Stop and think, you wound up syndicated If you had a point I missed it.
I guess thats just what happens, when you live like a black hole
But I'm done, here's some truth for a change I'm at a loss for words
photocopied evidence that found her burning halo's, cut her wings off

Like the ground is made of lava but so poised to the boys in blue
the more I watched you babe I hate all the things you do
just like a needle when your always good to
tear right through me tear right through

There's a rhythm in the system but you waved as it passed by
you always played the victim when you knew it was your crime
But I guess I should of noticed when you started to light the way
but baby, your candle burned black and I digress from the situation at
hand


Later on, every breath inhaled was toxic in my face
Not in a way to make me tremble, just a way to make me shake
Give me breath, I gave you room to sin, you gave me room to blink
now I'll give you what you won't forget
when soon you forget me

So don't **** around with fire, or you might just end up burned
but somewhere in your infections, there's a lesson to be learned

And while you stand there pointing fingers
I'll point to my evidence
And I've been counting one less blessing
Baby, Am I making sense?

So where'd you leave those good intentions
when you left with my paycheck
now your running on your fumes and you expect me to bounce back
And I lost my rhyme and reason to the thing that you do best
oh yeah, shake it, but you ran out of time five minuets ago

Here's my starving for salvation~
To think I'm not the only one~
Last edited by OnFyre1211 at Mar 27, 2009,
#2
Damn. I loved this. Really did, I didn't think it was that long at all...

How long have you been working on this? 'Cuz it seems as if you'd have taken a while with it...

And the title's great as well!
If you can, check out Sunshine :]
#3
the whole thing read kinda awkwardly, like its close to being pretty nice, but its not wuite there.
EXCEPT.

Later on, every breath inhaled was toxic in my face
Not in a way to make me tremble, just a way to make me shake
Give me breath, I gave you room to sin, you gave me room to blink
now I'll give you what you won't forget
when soon you forget me

this. epic performance.
that was some good writing.

c4c in my sig?
#4
"but baby, your candle burned black and I digress from the situation at hand" this line seemed a bit too long, it sorta threw a wrench in the flow for me. Not a terrible thing, but something you might want to take a look at.
There seemed to be some other places where the flow was just a bit rough. I don't think you should change any of the ideas you have here, because they're all great, and they words you used to describe them are great as well, but perhaps a little bit smoother rhythm would let this piece slide smoothly into greatness.
I really did like this. It was long, but once I'd finished reading it, I didn't feel like I'd been burdened, slogging through it just trying to get to the end. It was enjoyable all the way through, which makes the length irrelevant. Great work. If you could look at Doppelganger Rose in my sig, that would be awesome! Peace