#1
Wrote this in one sitting. C4C. I hope you enjoy it.

Doppelganger Rose

Her boldly piercing bloom caught my eye and more;
Vivid, sharp, sublime, aware and not afraid to make it known
Should I be dissuaded by the thorns that promise grief?
I saw the bait for what it was, but still it drew me in.

Her nature pricks stones to life,
Then abandons them to bleed;
Such elegant abuse from a delicate tease.

Disarming smiles roped me in, closer to the gorgeous snare.
Could it be so bad to be enamored with this graceful killer?
No. Don't wake me up or shake this spell, it's better to die in my sleep.

I hoped instead she'd give me a kiss and let me go
Or shed her spines and open up her soul,
But I was mistaken, no such miracles were planned.
One brief touch, she snapped the trap, left her mark, and spat me out.

Then her snare began to change: different colors, different bait.
Another shape for a different game, beguiling yet another man.
I saw her charms again at work, knowing how it ends.
I've known the point of those perfect barbs, looked for pleasure in the pain.

My heart still beats, and I still breathe,
And now I boast the most beautiful scars
Keepsakes for the stings.

Her allure grows with every victim, watered by their tears,
An ever more attractive disaster, rooted in her nerve.
Don't wake me up or break this spell, I'd rather go in my sleep.
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Mar 27, 2009,
#2
Quote by theoneandonlyq

Her boldly piercing bloom caught my eye and more;
Vivid, sharp, sublime, aware and not afraid to make it known
Should I be dissuaded by the thorns that promise grief?
I saw the bait for what it was, but still it drew me in.
I dont know why, it might be the word 'bloom' and 'thorns', I'm getting a lot of flower imagery, like a rose or something. It's fitting. Delicate but still dangerous? Good use of adjectives as well to add colour. I think It's a situation lots of people have been in as well so it's quite understandable. Excellent start.


Her nature pricks stones to life,
Then abandons them to bleed;
Such elegant abuse from a delicate tease.
I think this is referencing the saying 'It's like getting blood from a stone'? Relating the lyrics to familiar culture is always good. Again the theme of nature, adds an element of rawness. The last line is amazing.

Disarming smiles roped me in, closer to the gorgeous snare.
Could it be so bad to be enamored with this graceful killer?
No. Don't wake me up or shake this spell, it's better to die in my sleep.
The use of punctuation after 'No.' leaves a harsh gap which really emphasises your point. Good vocabulary here as well.

I hoped instead she'd give me a kiss and let me go
Or shed her spines and open up her soul,
But I was mistaken, no such miracles were planned.
One brief touch, she snapped the trap, left her mark, and spat me out.
The nature theme continues, which adds familiarity to each verse. Again this is an excellent. Maybe you might want to put 'and spat me out' on a new line? This will create a significant gap which will really highlight that lyric.

Then her snare began to change: different colors, different bait.
Another shape for a different game, beguiling yet another man.
I saw her charms again at work, knowing how it ends.
I've known the point of those perfect barbs, looked for pleasure in the pain.

My heart still beats, and I still breathe,
And now I boast the most beautiful scars
Keepsakes for the stings.
This verse is probably the best. Especially the last line. It really highlights the hopeless nature of the main character and how he stills sees the beauty in such a dangerous woman.

Her allure grows with every victim, watered by their tears,
An ever more attractive disaster, rooted in her nerve.
Don't wake me up or break this spell, I'd rather go in my sleep.
The idea of sleep links back, almost repetition, a good way to end.


In all I think this song is damn near perfect. That's my personal view anyway.
#3
"Don't wake me up or shake this spell, it's better to die in my sleep". Brilliant line right there. Actually the piece was filled w/ a lot of great lines. I really enjoyed reading this piece. I thought the premise was interesting and that you structured the lines well. It flowed well. The only line that bothered me was the first line of the second stanza. Maybe its just me, but I associate the word "prick" more w/ someone who is a jerk, than with a quick stabbing motion. Whatever though. Anyways, ncie job, man.
#4
Quote by theoneandonlyq
Wrote this in one sitting. C4C. I hope you enjoy it.

Doppelganger Rose

Her boldly piercing bloom caught my eye and more;
Vivid, sharp, sublime, aware and not afraid to make it known
Should I be dissuaded by the thorns that promise grief?
I saw the bait for what it was, but still it drew me in.
I really like the sensory detail here. And the whole extended metaphor with flowers.


Her nature pricks stones to life,
Then abandons them to bleed;
Such elegant abuse from a delicate tease.
I like the nature theme here. Its very original. And it flows nicely.


Disarming smiles roped me in, closer to the gorgeous snare.
Could it be so bad to be enamored with this graceful killer?
No. Don't wake me up or shake this spell, it's better to die in my sleep.
I like this except when you put "no" in there i think it would be better to leave that out.


I hoped instead she'd give me a kiss and let me go
Or shed her spines and open up her soul,
But I was mistaken, no such miracles were planned.
One brief touch, she snapped the trap, left her mark, and spat me out.
"One brief touch, she snapped the trap, left her mark, and spat me out." This is an incredible line.


Then her snare began to change: different colors, different bait.
Another shape for a different game, beguiling yet another man.
I saw her charms again at work, knowing how it ends.
I've known the point of those perfect barbs, looked for pleasure in the pain.
I like how you said game. It just seems to really fit in. "Looked for pleasure in the pain" I really like this line it makes the story.


My heart still beats, and I still breathe,
And now I boast the most beautiful scars
Keepsakes for the stings.
This whole stanza is really good because it shows how you moved on but
you still remember what happened.


Her allure grows with every victim, watered by their tears,
An ever more attractive disaster, rooted in her nerve.
Don't wake me up or break this spell, I'd rather go in my sleep.
This is a perfect ending. I think the I'd rather go to sleep part is awesome



I really like the story it told and the whole nature theme, but this is the first crit i have done. So im a newb at this but i really liked it.
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#5
Wow....
This was perfect,
especially since I recently experienced someone just like that

Sorry I can't give a more helpful crit, but frankly, I don't think there's one thing about this you should change,
Great imagery,
unique story,
you don't recycle words or lines, keeps it fresh

Seriously, I will look at this plenty more before the end of the night to see if there's anything I can find to help you improve it, but I doubt I'll find anything
Brilliant stuff, you amaze me
#6
i have to agree with greyeyedfire, i couldnt tell you anything to improve this. it had awesome imagery and vocabulary.
favorite line = "No. Don't wake me up or shake this spell, it's better to die in my sleep."
I <3 This Peice.
#7
holy carp dude, this is some quality craftsmanship right here. The imagery is vivid powerful and something totally its own. The entire song is the perfect metaphor, and the story doesn't get lost in the words at all. The opening and closing lines were my favorite, nice drive there. Rock on.
#9
I like how you made the words explain their meaning through imagery.

I liked the lines "Such elegant abuse from a delicate tease." and "Should I be dissuaded by the thorns that promise grief?"

I am new at this but I like it a lot...nothing really bad to say about it. You told us your feelings and you allowed us to see it as well.
#10
I really liked this, its a really good piece. I liked how you added a lot of imagery to a broken heart no one really tries to do that anymore its a very good piece, I didnt see any problems with it either If you dont mind criting my newest piece Survival there is a link in my sig
#11
Quote by theoneandonlyq
Wrote this in one sitting. C4C. I hope you enjoy it.

Doppelganger Rose

Her boldly piercing bloom caught my eye and more;
Vivid, sharp, sublime, aware and not afraid to make it known
Should I be dissuaded by the thorns that promise grief?
I saw the bait for what it was, but still it drew me in.
Great imagery, great concept of acting even while knowing the negative consequences.

Her nature pricks stones to life,
Then abandons them to bleed;
Such elegant abuse from a delicate tease.
Very nice

Disarming smiles roped me in, closer to the gorgeous snare.
Could it be so bad to be enamored with this graceful killer?
Doubt. Nice.
No. Don't wake me up or shake this spell, it's better to die in my sleep.
I am loving this at this point.

I hoped instead she'd give me a kiss and let me go
Or shed her spines and open up her soul,
But I was mistaken, no such miracles were planned.
One brief touch, she snapped the trap, left her mark, and spat me out.
You are very, very awesome.

Then her snare began to change: different colors, different bait.
Another shape for a different game, beguiling yet another man.
I saw her charms again at work, knowing how it ends.
I've known the point of those perfect barbs, looked for pleasure in the pain.

My heart still beats, and I still breathe,
And now I boast the most beautiful scars
Keepsakes for the stings.

Her allure grows with every victim, watered by their tears,
An ever more attractive disaster, rooted in her nerve.
Don't wake me up or break this spell, I'dProxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0

ather go in my sleep.


Wow. This was breathtakingly orgasmic. I'm not kidding, this was incredible. No forced rhymes, no bad flow, nothing wrong at all. This is one of the best pieces I have ever seen.
#12
....


....

that's beautiful. Great images, you definetly got your point across to me...the wordplay is great. Nothing forced, no boring words; you know what you're doing. Good job.
meh
#13
Amazing post.. The material is something everyone has experienced yet you put a beautiful spin on it w/ your good use of vocabulary =) The flow also benefits from your lack of forcing rhymes (something I should work on)
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations
#14
I'm not going to critique.. As I can't really find anything to critique. That was great.

"Then her snare began to change: different colors, different bait.
Another shape for a different game, beguiling yet another man.
I saw her charms again at work, knowing how it ends.
I've known the point of those perfect barbs, looked for pleasure in the pain."


Really loved that part.. But I loved the whole song tbh. Great one! I'd love to hear the final piece (if you're actually going to turn it into a song).
#15
I want to turn it into a song, but I'm not sure how to proceed. I always have trouble turning lyrics into songs. I suppose I hear this as a softer, acoustic-ish song, but with a little bit of an edge. I'm working on it now, I'll post an mp3 if I finish it anytime soon. Thanks for all the crits! I'm glad it was enjoyed. If I missed anybody, send me a PM and I'll give you a crit.
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Mar 29, 2009,
#16
this looks really cool. it reads like a poem more than it does lyrics...at least to me it does. really good vocab too.
there isnt much more i can say that hasnt been said by everyone else. if you have music for it i'd like to hear it.
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You can call me Matt
#17
This is a solid piece of work. The only thing I noticed that I didn't like was the way in which you began by being cryptic and distant, but then, out of the blue, altered your course and proceded to explain everything that was interesting about the piece, leaving nothing to the imagination. Some people might like that, but I found that to be irritating and degrading. Let me decide what I want to get out of this. You left me with very choice here. As a whole, it took away from the over-the-top voicing and made it a little childish.

- "Then her snare began to change: different colors, different bait.
Another shape for a different game, beguiling yet another man.
I saw her charms again at work, knowing how it ends.
I've known the point of those perfect barbs, looked for pleasure in the pain."


- Just because you are using interesting and flowing vocabulary, it doesn't mean you can twist the piece around into this and expect me to "feel you" - even if it is honest.

Also, I thought the first line was a little clumsy and could do with a re-working.

The stone imagery didn't quite do it for me.

The third verse was the one that really struck a chord with me, as did the sixth.

Sorry for my pathetic critique, I don't feel I can say much concering this. Although it's not entirely my thing - it's too dramatic - there is very little to complain about.

Good work.
#18
One brief touch, she snapped the trap, left her mark, and spat me out.

I do believe this is the only thing in the song that kept me from calling it a masterpiece.
Not so much that it's wrong, or doesn't fit, It just doesn't fit well with me.
Feels a bit, jumpy, If you will.
I'm not exactly sure how to describe it.

BUT either way, this was absolutely gorgeous. Best read in soooo long.
honestly, I'd devote my life to maing this a orchastated(wtf) piano, acoustic piece.
its divine.


So chya, nice work breh!