#1
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This is a song written by myself, entitled Prey. I am done with the main riff but I have many fillers to still write, and a solo piece as well, I am excited for the complete product and I will post it when finished. This is based on a metal style song, thrashy riffs.

Prey-


(Verse1)
feel what I've felt, while glaring at creations of man,
Our supposed hero's destroying a constitutional plan.

You see plots in the works, blind with capable vision
Yet no sparks light, pursue to grab of what's been given.

The race we resemble, diverse rush of adrenaline,
kiss your mothers in wait of the final sentencing.

We commit what shall not be, hear what is not there.
My final savior's in fear for I whatnot care.

The pressure rises, severe epitome of dooming flaws,
Fall for the trap, the beautiful soothing claws
That places the words in the mouth of our human jaws.


(Chorus)
Know yourself, farewell for others,
Let us gather, before becoming prey of the hunters.
Know yourself, farewell for others,
Let us gather, before becoming prey of the hunters.


(Verse2)
Future? what is this you speak of?
An additional crack on the wall to creep from.

Lies, Unsecured, resulting in what we are now to be,
An additional media brainwash is how it sounds to me.

It will come, in trust of no one, no chance in hell,
The arrogance in the man that proceeded to stand, but fell.

They will pay, they will pay more feelings eventually,
Deadly days praised to plague reach the best of me.
Blasphemy, in the heredity of directory.


(Chorus)
Know yourself, farewell for others,
Let us gather, before becoming prey of the hunters.
Know yourself, farewell for others,
Let us gather, before becoming prey of the hunters.


(Lead Guitar Solo packs in around the end of this chorus).


(Closer)
Prey must fall, but the hunter hurts in the most of it all.


I appreciate ideas and comments, I hope this song can relate to some of your theories.
hide your kids, hide your wife.

Quote by angus_young_32
I'd rather kill myself than commit suicide.


UG Hatecrew FTW
Last edited by bloodycomfort at Mar 27, 2009,
#2
Quote by bloodycomfort
MyFreeCopyright.com Registered & Protected


This is a song written by myself, entitled Prey. I am done with the main riff but I have many fillers to still write, and a solo piece as well, I am excited for the complete product and I will post it when finished. This is based on a metal style song, thrashy riffs.

Prey-


(Verse1)
feel what I've felt, while glaring at creations of man,
Our supposed hero's destroying a constitutional plan. The flow's a little rough here, especially with "hero's destroying"

You see plots in the works, blind with capable vision
Yet no sparks light, pursue to grab of what's been given. "grab of what's been given" doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps drop the "of"?

The race we resemble, diverse rush of adrenaline,
kiss your mothers in wait of the final sentencing. I'm not sure I liked how you sorta switched images mid-stanza here. It starts as a race but ends with sentencing. Neither are bad images, but perhaps you should pick one and stick with it? Your call, there might be more significance to it than I'm seeing

We commit what shall not be, hear what is not there.
My final savior's in fear for I whatnot care. I liked this, except for "in fear for I whatnot care". I don't understand what it means. If it actually does make sense, perhaps you might want to reword it, b/c it's definitely awkward if not confusing wording

The pressure rises, severe epitome of dooming flaws,
Fall for the trap, the beautiful soothing claws
That places the words in the mouth of our human jaws. I don't really like this last last line much. Perhaps "place" instead of "places", it seems like it would fit better. I would also think that you might want to switch out "the mouth of" for something like "in between", because as it is there's an unnecessary repetition that actually doesn't make sense (the mouth of our human jaws)


(Chorus)
Know yourself, farewell for others,
Let us gather, before becoming prey of the hunters.
Know yourself, farewell for others,
Let us gather, before becoming prey of the hunters. I'm having difficulty connecting with this. I don't know why


(Verse2)
Future? what is this you speak of?
An additional crack on the wall to creep from. Interesting. I'm not sure exactly what you mean with the last part, but still very interesting

Lies, Unsecured, resulting in what we are now to be,
An additional media brainwash is how it sounds to me. Kinda cliche here, but I'm not sure how you can get around it

It will come, in trust of no one, no chance in hell,
The arrogance in the man that proceeded to stand, but fell. Perhaps "tried" instead of "proceeded" would help the flow of the 2nd line some?

They will pay, they will pay more feelings eventually,
Deadly days praised to plague reach the best of me.
Blasphemy, in the heredity of directory. I don't get it. That's all I have to say...


(Chorus)
Know yourself, farewell for others,
Let us gather, before becoming prey of the hunters.
Know yourself, farewell for others,
Let us gather, before becoming prey of the hunters.


(Lead Guitar Solo packs in around the end of this chorus).


(Closer)
Prey must fall, but the hunter hurts in the most of it all. I kinda liked this for an end, but I feel like it's a little awkwardly worded. Perhaps "but the hunter hurts the most of all" would work better? Your call


I appreciate ideas and comments, I hope this song can relate to some of your theories.


Well, I had trouble relating to this obviously. I feel like I missed a lot of stuff, but I've read it three times now and nothing's coming. There seemed to be a fair amount of mixing of somewhat typical images. Perhaps if you could pick a couple and develop them more fully, it might be more effective. I dunno... Either way, if you're already putting music to it, just roll with it I suppose. If you don't mind, could you look at "Doppelganger Rose" in my sig? Either way, good luck with this. Hope it rocks! Peace
#3
^ theoneandonlyq, i appreciate the honest opinion, I am also looking forward to changing the lyrics to make it kind of flow better with the instruments in sync, I will definitely consult to your idea of rephrasing things in the future.
hide your kids, hide your wife.

Quote by angus_young_32
I'd rather kill myself than commit suicide.


UG Hatecrew FTW
#4
Quote by bloodycomfort
MyFreeCopyright.com Registered & Protected


This is a song written by myself, entitled Prey. I am done with the main riff but I have many fillers to still write, and a solo piece as well, I am excited for the complete product and I will post it when finished. This is based on a metal style song, thrashy riffs.

Prey-


(Verse1)
feel what I've felt, while glaring at creations of man,
Our supposed hero's destroying a constitutional plan.

You see plots in the works, blind with capable vision
Yet no sparks light, pursue to grab of what's been given.

The race we resemble, diverse rush of adrenaline,
kiss your mothers in wait of the final sentencing.
This rhyme angers me more than the Holocaust. Fix it NAO!

We commit what shall not be, hear what is not there.
My final savior's in fear for I whatnot care.
This is off. Do you mean for what, I don't care?

The pressure rises, severe epitome of dooming flaws,
Fall for the trap, the beautiful soothing claws
That places the words in the mouth of our human jaws.
Meh.


(Chorus)
Know yourself, farewell for others,
Let us gather, before becoming prey of the hunters.
Know yProxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0

rself, farewell for others,
Let us gather, before becoming prey of the hunters.


(Verse2)
Future? what is this you speak of?
An additional crack on the wall to creep from.
Terrible

Lies, Unsecured, resulting in what we are now to be,
An additional media brainwash is how it sounds to me.
Very thrashy

It will come, in trust of no one, no chance in hell,
The arrogance in the man that proceeded to stand, but fell.

They will pay, they will pay more feelings eventually,
Deadly days praised to plague reach the best of me.
Blasphemy, in the heredity of directory.


(Chorus)
Know yourself, farewell for others,
Let us gather, before becoming prey of the hunters.
Know yourself, farewell for others,
Let us gather, before becoming prey of the hunters.


(Lead Guitar Solo packs in around the end of this chorus).


(Closer)
Prey must fall, but the hunter hurts in the most of it all.


I appreciate ideas and comments, I hope this song can relate to some of your theories.


VERY thrashy. It's pretty good. Some annoying rhymes.
#5
this was a decent piece I didnt really like these though

The race we resemble, diverse rush of adrenaline,
kiss your mothers in wait of the final sentencing.

We commit what shall not be, hear what is not there.
My final savior's in fear for I whatnot care.

I thought this could use a bit of work, a couple lines did sound very thrashy but idk anyway if you dont mind criting my newest piece Survival there is a link in my sig
#6
Thanks for the opinions, I'm glad that the thrash originality sinks in to some of the readers, I will be revising the post with my newley edited lyrics later on.

therealtater, I will check them out tonight.
hide your kids, hide your wife.

Quote by angus_young_32
I'd rather kill myself than commit suicide.


UG Hatecrew FTW