#1
5 a day, the only way.
Low in fat, to make it safe.
Junk food, a no go
Your fat, I told you so.

Spread the fear and paranoia.
Don’t give into them.
Oh I don’t feel well
Please call team actimel.

Size 6, the only way.
No hips, your wasting away.
Keep up , with the jones.
Trade in your life for things.

Spread the fear and paranoia.
Don’t give into them.
Oh I don’t feel well.
Please call team actimel.
#2
When I read this, it seemed very short and kinda choppy. Maybe it was the way that there weren't hardly any verbs in your verses, they were sort of incomplete thoughts. It kind of bothered me, but if that's what you were going for, then good stuff. The line with "keep up, with the jones. Trade in your life for things" didn't seem to fit. The rest of the lines were about sort of unhealthy pursuit of beauty, and then there's a random line about materialism. I feel like you should either add something more about materialism as it's own stanza, or try to replace this with something keeping with the theme of the rest of the piece. It was a little short, but that's always just a personal opinion type issue, since length really has no bearing on the piece itself. I suppose it feels short because it seems like there are some more things you could put in there that would flesh it out a bit more.
As it is, this piece didn't really do a ton for me. It made me think about people starving themselves and such to try to be "beautiful", but it didn't really touch on my emotions. But I suppose you weren't going for an emotional piece, so it's just fine the way it is.
To summarize, this wasn't bad, but it wasn't great, and I think it could be. Perhaps try to expand it a bit or give it a character or something to empathize with, because it feels like there isn't much to latch onto here. If you don't mind, would you mind looking at Doppelganger Rose in my sig? Keep up the work! If you revise this and repost it, feel free to PM me and I'll take another look at it. Peace
#3
Quote by blencathra
5 a day, the only way.
Low in fat, to make it safe.
Junk food, a no go
Your fat, I told you so.
Why all the comma's? Like the bloke mentioned, it does make it choppy and I don't reckon it suits the theme; while overall, it remains to be an awesome way to show cynical humour and poignancy.

Spread the fear and paranoia.
Don’t give into them.
Oh I don’t feel well
Please call team actimel.
I'm not so keen on the first two lines. It kind of retracted to something that didn't coincide with the voice that well. I think you know what I mean? The next lines were perfect.

Size 6, the only way.
No hips, your wasting away.
Keep up , with the jones.
Trade in your life for things.
Is there supposed to be a comma after "keep up"? This is good.

Spread the fear and paranoia.
Don’t give into them.
Oh I don’t feel well.
Please call team actimel.
This could of been ended with something stronger. Maybe something a little more quirky and not so completed? Doing it in the way that you did just kind of repeats an already well known point, without any spice or vigor; to really show that you care and believe what you are saying. Try and excite the reader by bringing in a curve ball - it just reinforces the humour and energy, without being overly static.


This has such charm.

See you tomorrow, Steve.

edit: I didn't say it was pretentious...