#1
Hello! I just wrote this song in about ten minutes...it kinda has meaning but then doesnt......yeah.....comments will be returned!

What a sick and sad world
You cant see what lies ahead

Before time dies
We'll see just how far weve come
We'll look back and see the scars
Left by the foot of our fathers

What a sick and sad world
You cant see what lies ahead
What a time to fall
Leave the rest in the dirt

Before time dies
We'll see just how far weve come
We'll look back and see the scars
Left by the foot of our fathers
Deny the time to come
Find whats true and never look back

What a time and place to live in
You never know whats gonna come
Leaders fall down lifeless
We run around and around

Before time dies
We'll see just how far weve come
We'll look back and see the scars
Left by the foot of our fathers
Deny the time to come
Find whats true and never look back

Deny you
Cherish me
Never try to lead me

Before time dies
We'll see just how far weve come
We'll look back and see the scars
Left by the foot of our fathers
Deny the time to come
Find whats true and never look back
#2
Quote by coookies!


What a sick and sad world
You cant see what lies ahead
Somewhat weak intro, doesn't hold much emotion... Add a bit more complexity

Before time dies
We'll see just how far weve come
We'll look back and see the scars
Left by the foot of our fathers
The word "scars" seems somewhat forced/cliche. Other than that I like this

What a sick and sad world
You cant see what lies ahead
What a time to fall
Leave the rest in the dirt
Like it :p

Before time dies
We'll see just how far weve come
We'll look back and see the scars
Left by the foot of our fathers
Deny the time to come
Find whats true and never look back

What a time and place to live in
You never know whats gonna come
Leaders fall down lifeless
We run around and around
Last lines are great. First two are kind of redundant in the grand scheme of things.

Before time dies
We'll see just how far weve come
We'll look back and see the scars
Left by the foot of our fathers
Deny the time to come
Find whats true and never look back

Deny you
Cherish me
Never try to lead me
Rhyming me with me doesn't seem to work, but it depends on how it's sung.

Before time dies
We'll see just how far weve come
We'll look back and see the scars
Left by the foot of our fathers
Deny the time to come
Find whats true and never look back


I can tell you wrote this in 10 minutes. That doesn't mean I don't like it, it's just poorly put togeter in my opinion. I like the idea you're going with, though, so adequate job
C4C
#4
This was ok. I suppose it seemed kinda generic to me, but for a piece written in 10 minutes, it isn't bad. Just needs some more work. Niki covered pretty much everything. My main complaint is that you repeat a lot of lines, especially the ones about the scars left by our fathers. I get that it's the emphasis, but perhaps you should add some more material in between to make it feel less frequent, or try to replace it in a couple of spots. It isn't great, but there's potential. Keep working on it! If you could crit Doppelganger Rose in my sig, I'd appreciate it. Take it easy
#5
Overall there is just too much repetition. I don't mind repetition, but when the lines are weak it gets a bit annoying. "sick and sad" is just too generic and plus it doesn't relate to the second line. Something like "foggy" or even "dark" are a bit more descriptive and help tie in the first line with the second. "Prints" would seem a better fit than "scars". I think you just need to expand on this. It just feels like ideas jotted down, as opposed to a completed work. You seem to have some I don't know how to say it, "ground" imagery going on here ("leaders falling down, foots of our fathers, leave the rest in the dirt"). I just feel a song about casualties of a ruthless war wanting to come out. Just throwing an idea out there. Anyways, I hope to read more from you

Crit mine please
Pine-Needle Through Sheepskin