#1
werambleforareason
I agree.
Thoroughly
with every thing
you wrote down,
everything you said,
mentioned.
elaborate,
on those stories I have no part of
I don't care
I have ears for a reason;
a cozy place
to stick things in.
like crayons
and animals
those colorful ideas
of teeter-totter timelessness

and what ever happened to that idea, you know -expletive- at first sight
haha, its like
I'm living alone

Oh wait-I actually am

And you start seeing familiar picturesque qualities in all the shot glasses around the table
Its called a reflection and you are diagnosed as lost
and I could bring you back
We could bring you back
do
we
want to?
and maybe then
'we'll feel, sublime'
maybe then
time will go -poof!-
or would the forest be a better place for that?
in our
lost woods maze
with the bouncing melody
of Saria, or whoever may be playing
with your voicing ringing out
in such a
mellow,
but
happy
vibrancy.

I am rambling
but that happens
alot.
when you are memememe

So tell me some more
I have ears for a reason
And they aren't going to hear
Dasvedanya
because
stories
aren't
o
v
e
r.

not yet at least
this one is for you.
#2
There were just a few things that bothered me. I have no idea who or what "Dasvedanya" is. Also the repetition of "me" towards the end doesn't really do much for me. And I think it would be best to just replace the "expletive" with "love" But otter than that I loved this piece. The way in which you structured this piece complemented the content so well. I really enjoyed the tone, which fewlt like a nervous laugh. Definitely one of my favorite poems I have ever read. Keep it up.

Crit mine please
Pine-Needle Through Sheepskin
#4
I love that word. Dasvedanya.

Bloody hell this piece was amazing. Probably the best thing I've ever read from you.
#5
hmm i said something last night kinda late but the internet wasn't having it.

I loved this. I'm split on the ending but I don't not like it so I won't say that. I just keep going back and forth over how much I like it. Really good job.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
i really enjoyed this. at first i felt that it read kinda weird but i got used to it. i assume its supposed to be read in sentences instead of lines, i may be wrong though.
I really liked the lines, "Its called a reflection and you are diagnosed as lost
and I could bring you back." I dont really have any specific reason why but i just did.
i'd like to hear the music if you have it.

thank you for your crit of my piece
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You can call me Matt
#7
So far, you have had alot of positive comments. So i'm Going to try and give you some critisism..Although if im honest, i hardly feel qualified. It's A strong piece.

In some parts, i felt as if your using strange structure just for the sake of using it. Like here;

"do
we
want to?"
Seems to me, like you were running out of ideas

I liked it all, the only line i'd re-word would be;
"and what ever happened to that idea, you know -expletive- at first sight
haha, its like
I'm living alone

Oh wait-I actually am"

I'd Have put

"and what ever happened to that idea, you know -expletive- at first sight
haha, its like
I'm living alone.

I am."

I think it flows better that way, When its shorter like that, it has more impact IMO.

Quote by Karl Pilkington
Jellyfish are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful."
#8
This was good. I enjoyed it, particularly the introduction, and following few verses. I found very little to fault, as to fault it would only reiterate the way in which it's wrote.
That said, I thought the actual section that contained the far-flung rambling to be the worst part of the piece – even thought that may have been the most important area. Just because the way in which you are writing – the diction – coincides with the point, doesn't make it good reading – that's just my opinion, though. I reckon you had a fine balance to stand on, and, in that particular section - fourth verse - I didn't feel like you stood your ground firmly enough.
That was a mistake I have made on many, many occasions - and continue to make. But it remains an important part of writing, or at least an important part of making me happy. So because the section preceding the ending was so indirect, and seemingly nonsensical, the last few sentences/words lacked impact or any purpose, when the words chosen and meanings behind those words seemed to give off a very strong presence. That conflict didn't make for good reading.
The first part of the poem was a true joy to read, though.