#1
Hey - I don't want to go into too much detail but its basically about religion/totalitarianism...let me know what you think - I can't think of those three lines at the bottom so any ideas appreciated...

C4C

Created sick and told to be well
Forced to love you but to fear you aswell
Thoughts in my head I try to suppress
Objections that I'm too scared to express
Try to keep them in my mind, in my cell
Don't let them escape into my hell

Master reveal to me your will
That which you would have me do
And I'll surrender my life to you

Master
You created me
You reside within me
Complete authority
Dictate my life to me
Plan my infinity
Master let me praise you for eternity

Drain my mind into an empty space
An iron boot stamping on a human face
I want to love you just show me how
Heretical thoughts I will disavow
Reeducate me until I am pure
Yes I'm sick but there must be a cure

Master reveal to me your will
That which you would have me do
And I'll surrender my soul to you

Master
You created me
You reside within me
Complete authority
Dictate my life to me
Plan my infinity
Master please don't leave me for eternity

Created sick, I cannot be well
Refuse to love and to fear you aswell
Questions my head I cannot repress
These feelings that I have to express
Refuse to live in this cruel domain
Born in freedom but living in chains

__________________
__________________
__________________

Master
You created me
You reside within me
Complete authority
Dictate my life to me
Plan my infinity
Master may you rule for all eternity
Gear
ESP LTD Truckster James Hetfield Sig
120W Bugera 333 Amp
Harley Benton G212 Vintage Cab

Desired Gear
ESP EX Diamond
ISP Decimator
EHX Metal Muff
MXR 10-Band EQ

C4C
Illusory Master
#2
I dont really know how I feel about this to be honest, I liked the flow and all, but I dont like the anti-religion message it sends, if thats not how you meant it thats how I read it over all its a good piece and I can hear the music to it in my head if you dont mind criting my newest piece, Survival there is a link in my sig
#3
hey man cheers for the crit
Its not necessarily about religion...don't get me wrong when I was writing it that was one of the main things i was thinking about but also the general 'worship' of a leader i.e. 1984-style / North Korea / tyrants etc, often portray themselves to be 'super human' and people are brainwashed into thinking they must obey etc
Gear
ESP LTD Truckster James Hetfield Sig
120W Bugera 333 Amp
Harley Benton G212 Vintage Cab

Desired Gear
ESP EX Diamond
ISP Decimator
EHX Metal Muff
MXR 10-Band EQ

C4C
Illusory Master
#5
i liked the verses. they flowed together pretty well and i could kinda see what you would do with it musically.
im not sure about the chorus. maybe if i heard music with it or something but just reading it it seems a little weird for some reason.

im neutral on the pre-chorus
Guitars:
Martin DSR acoustic
Fender Telecaster
Epiphone Les Paul
Amp:
Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Pedals:
535Q Crybaby>Fulltone OCD>Phase 90>EHX Big Muff>MXR Carbon Copy>EHX Holy Grail
You can call me Matt
#6
Um, the rhyme scheme was a bit much I think. You didn't go a-a-a-a, which is the worst possible idea ever when people do it (it's just too much), it still felt a bit, I dunno, overbearing I suppose. None of the rhymes were too forced, but I didn't like that you rhymed "well" with itself =/ Personal preference though. I liked those first two lines a lot despite that. Just an interesting idea.

The prechorus was nothing special. Not amazing, but not bad at all either.

The chorus had way too much rhyming for me. It's a personal preference, but I think it's one widely shared. Rhyming every line not only can be a bit annoying, but it also really limits how you can express your ideas. Perhaps you could try rewriting the chorus with the same idea but a bit more of a liberating rhyme scheme.

This next verse was good, but I feel kinda like some of the lines have an extra syllable that makes it kinda awkward for me to read. It seems like contracting some things to "can't" and "I'm" would help, but if the rhythm isn't a problem for you, forget I mentioned anything. Pretty good verse otherwise.

Same thing with this chorus as with the last one. Amazingly, it's not like I can look at it and say "THIS line is why you shouldn't rhyme every time". So kudos to you for that, but you still might want to just switch it up to keep things fresh.

"Questions my head I cannot repress" - This line just doesn't make sense grammatically, I think the "I" is either a typo or needs to be dropped. The rest of it was pretty good. Nothing really jumped off the page, but it wasn't bad at all.

I'm afraid I have no suggestions for the prechorus =/ Sorry

Nothing much new to say about this last stanza except that the last line felt too long. Perhaps just "May you rule for all eternity"?

Well, the rhyme scheme on this was sorta bothersome to me, but I never really noticed anywhere where it obviously got in the way. Possibly the biggest thing that I noticed was that there didn't seem to be any development really. I mean, I know it's hard to develop a piece that's all about being held back from development, but it ended right where it began, and each verse felt sorta the same and each chorus felt sorta the same (although that's what choruses are for). Perhaps look for a way to introduce a bump in the road somewhere, perhaps a minor expression of rebellion that's brutally straightened out. I feel like that would really make the end stronger, seeing how the speaker's will has been totally dominated and crushed, ending with a chorus of submission. Your call though.

I hope this helped. If you could crit Doppelganger Rose in my sig, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks. Peace
#7
I couldn't really find anything wrong w/ this except the line w/ "too scared" I think you could find something better fitting that would help the flow such as saying "I'm afraid to express" but that's just my opinion and you can completely ignore me lol. If you don't mind could u critique my untitled? Thank you =)

EDIT: I forgot to mention this gave me a mental image of East Berlin w/ people jumping through barbwire to escape the bleak repression
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations
Last edited by stealer42 at Mar 28, 2009,