#1
"About You" - Love song - Work in Progress

Verse1
When I look into your beautiful eyes
You captivate my soul
And when I see your perfect smile
My heart begins to melt and...

Chorus
I can sense your thoughts
I can feel your love
You somehow lit the fire inside me and the light is shining bright
I can feel your warmth within me on the coldest of all nights

You'll always be the special one in my heart

Verse 2
When you lay your hand on mine
My heart absorbs this feeling
And you brighten up my day with your voice
Nothing quite explains the way I feel when I'm with you
So I just want you to know

Chorus
I can sense your thoughts
I can feel your love
You somehow lit the fire inside me and the light is shining bright
I can feel your warmth within me on the coldest of all nights

You'll always be the special one in my heart

- I have made the melody and chords already from the C major scale, because I don't know any other scale. Sounds good to me so far.
Last edited by chickenwing07 at Mar 28, 2009,
#2
You know, if you're playing a guitar, you can just move the scale shape around and you'll know lots of scales If you're playing piano though, I only know the C major scale too, so don't feel bad. Although A minor is actually easy too. You just start two keys lower... Anyways, onto the crit:
Quote by chickenwing07
"About You" - Love song - Work in Progress

Verse1
When I look into your beautiful eyes
You captivate my soul
And when I see your perfect smile
My heart begins to melt and... This verse was sort of the standard. Nothing really new or fresh here. Perhaps you could look through a thesaurus for some more interesting synonyms or try to find a different way to say this, because "beautiful eyes" and "perfect smile" and melting hearts are a wee bit overdone. Things like "angel eyes" and such are a bit of a way to mix things up (although "angel" eyes is still a bit overdone, it's just not quite as bland as "beautiful eyes")

Chorus
I can sense your thoughts
I can sense your love
You somehow lit the fire inside me and the light is shining bright
I can feel your warmth within me on the coldest of all nights See above. There's nothing wrong here really (although the flow seems a little strange in the last two lines. Too many syllables possibly). Really, you just need to find a way to say this that's unique.

You'll always be the special one in my heart Yeah... same thing

Verse 2
When you lay your hand on mine
My heart absorbs this feeling
And you brighten up my day with your voice
Nothing quite explains the way I feel when I'm with you
So I just want you to know Still the same thing

Chorus
I can sense your thoughts
I can sense your love
You somehow lit the fire inside me and the light is shining bright
I can feel your warmth within me on the coldest of all nights

You'll always be the special one in my heart

- I have made the melody and chords already from the C major scale, because I don't know any other scale. Sounds good to me so far.


Well, there wasn't really anything technically wrong with this piece. It just really needs something extra, that little kick that makes it unique. Love songs are probably the hardest kind to right simply because since there's so many of them, it's SO HARD to make yours stand out, to make yours different and unique. Thus, that's probably what you should focus most on.

Also, here's a general writing tip that was given to me on my first work I ever posted. Try to show, not tell. It's not easy with a love song, but try to describe situations (sort of like what you did in the 2nd verse, but with a lot more detail and leaving off the parts that tell how you feel). Songs are so much more powerful if you describe a situation such that the reader feels your emotion rather than simply hearing your description of your emotions/feelings. Try to make the reader feel how you do, empathize with you, not by telling them how you feel, but by describing events and such in a way that elicits that emotion from them. Which is more powerful, someone saying "I love you" or someone showing it? It will really help your writing if you try to keep this in mind. (goodness knows it helped mine)

For a work in progress this isn't bad. Really all it needs is to break out of the mold. Make it personal. Describe something that happened that is unique to you and the one you love that really captures how you feel. Best of luck with this, PM me if you have questions or if you revise this and repost it If you could crit Doppelganger Rose in my sig, I'd really appreciate it. Peace
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Mar 28, 2009,