#1
you know which part's not mine, don't play that game. song maybe? <3af. c4c. ots. etc.

the sky dropped a million tiny bombs
snowflake
slick messenger
calling praises for a cold day.
and if falling slow, in that moment,
the whole earth froze,
as she laid her white wings
upon the greens of spring,
she'd know, that it means everything.
and it snows in april.
and it snow in march.
and then it snows in our neighborhood.
and then it snows in her heart.
so gold, like a locket in the window,
hung, old, like a love that time forgot,
i know, that as we ride this sled to
the bottom of our scars,
we'll heal everything with nothing,
we'll heal everything in time.

purify the colors, purify my mind.
#2
Change the title, too long and seems like you decided to ramble with the title. Short titles often sound better. It'd sound better if you keep it to 2-3 words.
Quote by Gunpowder
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#4
I like the title the way it is. Not really sure what type of song you're trying to write.. Obvious not a verse/chorus/verse type... but if it's more or less like a free from it sounds pretty good.
#5
Quote by NGD1313
you know which part's not mine, don't play that game. song maybe? <3af. c4c. ots. etc.

the sky dropped a million tiny bombs
snowflake
slick messenger
calling praises for a cold day.
I don't think "cold" is necessary here. If there's snowflakes, then of course it's cold. I would use some other adjective which expands our view of the setting. "Bleak", "silent", that sort of thing.
and if falling slow, in that moment,
the whole earth froze,
as she laid her white wings
upon the greens of spring,
she'd know, that it means everything.
The three rhymes here really are well timed. They hit well, if you know what I mean. I didn't like how the last line was structured. Either get rid of the comma or get rid of the comma and "that", imo.
and it snows in april.
and it snows in march.
and then it snows in our neighborhood.
and then it snows in her heart.
so gold, like a locket in the window,
hung, old, like a love that time forgot,
Two similes in consecutive lines sound repetitive.
i know, that as we ride this sled to
the bottom of our scars,
we'll heal everything with nothing,
we'll heal everything in time.
This line seemed a tad cliche to me.
purify the colors, purify my mind.
I don't understand why this last bit is here, but I'm sure there's a reason. Just letting you know I'm not onto it yet.


This was great. I think the best part was the rhythm of it, it just flowed sublimely.
Last edited by Hesh at Mar 30, 2009,
#6
This is very descriptive I can almost see houses covered in sheets of snow =) Some words are sort of un-needed as mentioned earlier cold & snowflakes are kind of given but overall good job
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#7
You deserve better than this place.
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#8
I second culex-knight.

so gold, like a locket in the window,
hung, old, like a love that time forgot,
i know, that as we ride this sled to
the bottom of our scars,
we'll heal everything with nothing,
we'll heal everything in time.

beautiful.
#9
Hesh is right.

You don't need commas before "that" in the way you're using it. "That" is being used to signal an adverbial predicate, in this case, and you would no more need a comma before "that" than you would before "quickly." If your adverbial phrase is a parenthetical, it's okay, but pretty much not otherwise. It's a common mistake, but you make it frequently, so you probably ought to review comma rules.

Peace
#10
Quote by Nilchii
Hesh is right.

You don't need commas before "that" in the way you're using it. "That" is being used to signal an adverbial predicate, in this case, and you would no more need a comma before "that" than you would before "quickly." If your adverbial phrase is a parenthetical, it's okay, but pretty much not otherwise. It's a common mistake, but you make it frequently, so you probably ought to review comma rules.

Peace


It's poetry. Those rules are made to be broken.
#11
I was just saying all that because it sounds better to me without the comma...
#12
Quote by Hesh
I was just saying all that because it sounds better to me without the comma...


Oh I understand. I'm just saying that "the rules" aren't concrete.