#1
This fire will burn
burn the foolish men
who believe they rule this world

(Spoken)
I control my own fate
Used to at an rate..
(end spoken)

War!
With nothing to fight for

Death!
For no reason at all

Knife!
At the throat of my foes

Gun..
To the head of all who oppose..

Can you not see?
Whose death this will be

The working man will fade
For the poor's government aid

No one will eat
Everyone will fall
March to their beat
Or die on your feet

(Spoken)
I used to control my own fate..
Why did I take their bait?
(end spoken)

Seperating us from God.
Anyone else find that odd?

Taking my gun
to force me to run

Honest men armed
Makes tyrants nervous
But why should they fear us?
Only fools are harmed

I'm sorry if you disagree w/ the lyrics but all help will be appreciated thx =)
1st song btw kinda supposed to be a cross between Megadeth's Peace Sells and Machine Head's Clenching the Fists of Dissent in delivery
*need help w/ title..thx*

For the poor's government aid---> This line is refering to things such as welfare and bailouts.. sorry for the confusion guys =)

New Version 5th post (i think <.< )
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations
Last edited by stealer42 at Mar 29, 2009,
#2
I thought it felt kinda metallica-ish.... After the first spoken part of the song, I couldn't help but put the words to Creeping Death, and they fit almost perfectly.

Nice work though I like it!

(If you can, check out Sunshine.)
#3
for your first song this is pretty good, the rhyming seems forced in a couple places but that happens a lot around here, keep writing and you will always get better if you dont mind letting me know what you think of my newest piece Survival there is a link in my sig
#4
Quote by stealer42
This fire will burn
burn the foolish men
who believe they rule this world
Nice, dark start. Not too rememorable though.
(Spoken)
I control my own fate
Used to at an rate..
(end spoken)

War!
With nothing to fight for
Very nice, I wrote a similiar line while brainstorming a while ago.
Death!
For no reason at all
Again, nice follow-up of the last line.
Knife!
At the throat of my foes
And it gets darker and darker, I like it..
Gun..
To the head of all who oppose..
But this kills it for me. Guns give me a 'sterile' and non-personal image, which makes it less appealing to me.
Can you not see?
Whose death this will be
Nothing special, but good.
The working man will fade
For the poor's government aid
I don't really get the last part of this sentence, 'Poor's government'?
No one will eat
Everyone will fall
March to their beat
Or die on your feet
Can't say this ABAA scheme appeals to me.. Maybe change it into a ABAB or ABAC?
(Spoken)
I used to control my own fate..
Why did I take their bait?
(end spoken)
Ooh, awesome. Really brings me back into the darkness.
Seperating us from God.
Anyone else find that odd?
No remarks, good stuff.
Taking my gun
to force me to run
Remember my gun-remark? Same thing here.
Honest men armed
Makes tyrants nervous
But why should they fear us?
Only fools are harmed
And I find this the awesomest part of the whole song. This is truly great. Also great for an ending, sticks with someone for a while.

Overall, I like it! .
#5
This fire will burn
burn the foolish men
who believe they rule this world

(Spoken)
I control my own fate
Used to at an rate..
(end spoken)

War!
With nothing to fight for

Death!
For no reason at all

Knife!
At the throat of my foes

Boot
To the face of all who oppose..

Can you not see?
Whose death this will be

The working man will fade
For the poor's government aid

No one will eat
Everyone will fall
March to their beat
Or death for all

(Spoken)
I used to control my own fate..
Why did I take their bait?
(end spoken)

Seperating us from God.
Anyone else find that odd?

No more swords, no more knives
Nothing to protect our families' lives

Honest men armed
Makes tyrants nervous
But why should they fear us?
Only fools are harmed

I changed the lines I (and some friends and Kylianvb) had problems w/
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations
#6
Ah, way better! Nice improvements! Hehe, 'boot', I wouldn't have come up with that, really nice!
#7
Quote by stealer42
This fire will burn
burn the foolish men
who believe they rule this world
I'm not such a fan of the repetition

(Spoken)
I control my own fate
Used to at an rate..
(end spoken)
I think you should put "I" in front of used. And it should be "any"

War!
With nothing to fight for

Death!
For no reason at all

Knife!
At the throat of my foes

Gun..
To the head of all who oppose..
No "!" here? Is it supposedProxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0

o be said differently.


Can you not see?
Whose death this will be

The working man will fade
For the poor's government aid

Doesn't make sense to me.

No one will eat
Everyone will fall
March to their beat
Or die on your feet
I love this

(Spoken)
I used to control my own fate..
Why did I take their bait?
(end spoken)
This is good too.

Seperating us from God.
Anyone else find that odd?
Ecchhh.

Taking my gun
to force me to run

Honest men armed
Makes tyrants nervous
But why should they fear us?
Only fools are harmed
Meh

I'm sorry if you disagree w/ the lyrics but all help will be appreciated thx =)
1st song btw kinda supposed to be a cross between Megadeth's Peace Sells and Machine Head's Clenching the Fists of Dissent in delivery
*need help w/ title..thx*

For the poor's government aid---> This line is refering to things such as welfare and bailouts.. sorry for the confusion guys =)

New Version 5th post (i think <.< )


Pretty good.
Some don't make sense.
#8
Umm I posted a new version and I explained the line you didn't understand so.....
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations
#9
Quote by stealer42
Umm I posted a new version and I explained the line you didn't understand so.....

Whoops.
#10
Quote by stealer42
This fire will burn
burn the foolish men
who believe they rule this world
Still don't like the repetition

(Spoken)
I control my own fate
I Used to at any rate..
(end spoken)

War!
With nothing to fight for

Death!
For no reason at all

Knife!
At the throat of my foes

Boot
To the face of all who oppose..
Good

Can you not see?
Whose death this will be

The working man will fade
For the poor's government Proxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0

d
Huh?

No one will eat
Everyone will fall
March to their beat
Or death for all

(Spoken)
I used to control my own fate..
Why did I take their bait?
(end spoken)

Seperating us from God.
Anyone else find that odd?
Don't like it.

No more swords, no more knives
Nothing to protect our families' lives

Honest men armed
Makes tyrants nervous
But why should they fear us?
Only fools are harmed

I changed the lines I (and some friends and Kylianvb) had problems w/


Better...
#11
First thing i'd say about this is it's definatly well written. It works...

Just slightly Metal cliche...But thats not allways a bad thing.

The one line that id think about rewording is;

"Seperating us from God.
Anyone else find that odd?"

It doesn't fit with the dark theme, just seems like an off the cuff opinion. Youd should think of either taking this out completly, or thinking of a replacemnt for "Anyone else find that odd?"

Quote by Karl Pilkington
Jellyfish are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful."
#12
Thank you for the feedback although I disagree mostly =) I'm thinking "Dissidence through Virtue" is a possible title...
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations
#13
@ Jiggzy I'm thinking the line "Anyone else find that odd?" should be spoken in the same style as the other spoken word pieces. Does anyone else think that would put it into the darker side of this?
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations
#14
i like it as a whole. i like the content. certain things i dont really like though. like....
"Seperating us from God. Anyone else find that odd?"
i feel like the "anyone else find that odd" is awkward. but maybe thats just me.
also im not a big fan of the second lines of the spoken sections

i also got the metallica vibe from it.


thanks for the crit.
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Amp:
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You can call me Matt
#15
It just sounds like it suddenly changes...seperating us from god on its own spoken without the "anyone else find that abit odd" might work better

Quote by Karl Pilkington
Jellyfish are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful."
#16
Quote by stealer42
This fire will burn
burn the foolish men
who believe they rule this world
which fire?

(Spoken)
I control my own fate
Used to at an rate..
(end spoken)

War!
With nothing to fight for

Death!
For no reason at all

Knife!
At the throat of my foes

Gun..
To the head of all who oppose..

Can you not see?
Whose death this will be

The working man will fade
For the poor's government aid

No one will eat
Everyone will fall
March to their beat
Or die on your feet

(Spoken)
I used to control my own fate..
Why did I take their bait?
(end spoken)

Seperating us from God.
Anyone else find that odd?
don't like this lines

Taking my gun
to force me to run

Honest men armed
Makes tyrants nervous
But why should they fear us?
Only fools are harmed



Seems to me like it's a standard anti-war song. It's not bad or anything, but nothing special either. I think the music has to make this song.