#1
Yeah, my first song I've ever 'finished'.. It's sorta about my life right now, I'm not that big of an emo though . It has a little positive twist at the 3rd verse. Not too confident about it, but I just thought I'd throw it out there. It's called (as you probably already understood from the title) 'Keep on Smiling'.

--Verse 1--
It's not just her, I'm thinking about,
It's the whole damn world that keeps on spinning around,
I'm still here, just sitting alone,
Just keep on smiling, keep on going...

--Chorus--
Keep on smiling,
Keep on hiding it all.
But no, I'm not confiding,
Smash my head into the wall.

--Verse 2--
The scarred smile that ain't so true,
is hiding me, they ain't got a clue.
Stop the pity and live ahead.
Just keep on smiling, keep on going...

--Chorus--
Keep on smiling,
Keep on hiding it all.
But no, I'm not confiding,
Smash my head into the wall.

--Bridge--
Shake it off, wear your liar's crown,
Freedom of mind, don't let me drown.

--Solo--

--Verse 3--
Just maintain the image of the confident one,
look up, blink and smile at the sun.
Realize that it ain't so bad.
Just keep on smiling, keep on going...

--Chorus--
Keep on smiling,
Keep on hiding it all.
But no, I'm not confiding,
Smash my head into the wall.

--Chorus--
Keep on smiling,
Keep on hiding it all.
But no, I'm not confiding,
Smash my head into the wall.
#2
Some of the lines were quite long for my taste
"Just maintain the image of the confident one"
That is a bit wordy for me but I love your pacing.. I could see how this world be expressed in post-Pantera vocals =) If you don't mind could u critique my untitled? the link is in my sig.. thank you
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations
#3
I think the flow in the third line of the first stanza could be helped by dropping "on", so that it reads "it's the whole damn world that keeps spinning around". It seemed that there was an extra syllable there. Otherwise, the first verse was pretty good. Not amazing, there wasn't really anything that reached out and grabbed me, but it was fine.

The chorus... I didn't particularly like to much. I dunno, just "keep on smiling" seems kinda weak to me. I don't know how else you might say it, perhaps add in an interesting adjective to sorta shake things up a bit and add another layer, something that deepens the sense of how fake the smile is. Otherwise it's ok.

In verse 2, I feel like saying that "they've got no clue" flows better than how you have it. The way the syllables are emphasized makes it kinda awkward I think. Now that I've written that, I'm realizing how nitpicky I can be... >.> Sorry

I didn't really get the 2nd line of the bridge. It didn't seem to connect with the first line. I was a little confused.

Not much wrong with the 3rd verse.

I think that this piece overall could be helped by seeing the word "smile" and its relatives a little less often. I understand that it's the theme of the song, but it got a bit old to me to read "smile" and "smiling" so much. I really have no idea how you can work around it, but you may want to try to find a creative way of expressing the same idea in a little bit of a different way. I think it would be worth the effort Overall, a solid beginning. Congrats on finishing your first!! I never published my first. I shredded it (would've burned it if I could've found a lighter). It was just that bad, so job well done on your first. Nothing to be at all ashamed of here. Not perfect, but nothing ever is. If you could possibly crit Doppelganger Rose in my sig, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks
#4
Thanks for the feedback, really worked on it, and here's V2. I changed the things that would improve the 'flow', and just redid the complete chorus. I, myself, am way happier with it now.

--Verse 1--
It's not just her, I'm thinking about,
It's the whole damn world that keeps spinning around,
I'm still here, just sitting alone,
Just keep on smiling, keep on going...

--Chorus--
I'm in a freefall, nowhere to run,
Full of thoughts, but my mouth is stunned.
Shut my awful mind, break down the inner haze,
Keep the Façade, continue your ways.

--Verse 2--
The scarred smile that ain't so true,
is hiding me, they've got no clue.
Stop the pity and live ahead.
Just keep on smiling, keep on going...

--Chorus--
I'm in a freefall, nowhere to run,
Full of thoughts, but my mouth is stunned.
Shut my awful mind, break down the inner haze,
Keep the Façade, continue your ways.

--Bridge--
Shake it off, wear your liar's crown,
My chaotic mind, don't let me drown.

--Solo--

--Verse 3--
Just maintain the image of the confident one,
look up, blink and smile at the sun.
Realize that it ain't so bad.
Just keep on smiling, keep on going...

--Chorus--
I'm in a freefall, nowhere to run,
Full of thoughts, but my mouth is stunned.
Shut my awful mind, break down the inner haze,
Keep the Façade, continue your ways

--Chorus--
I'm in a freefall, nowhere to run,
Full of thoughts, but my mouth is stunned.
Shut my awful mind, break down the inner haze,
Keep the Façade, continue your ways.
#5
The new chorus is much improved =) I love the way run and stunned go together =) I changed my untitled w/ alot of help from your feedback so thank you =)
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations
#6
I'm liking this much better. Good stuff. I thought freefall is a little bit of a cliche idea, but I still wouldn't want you to change it. The third line of the chorus seemed a little strange, I didn't really get the "inner haze", but that's nothing to stop me from saying that this is much improved. Job well done
#7
Quote by theoneandonlyq
I'm liking this much better. Good stuff. I thought freefall is a little bit of a cliche idea, but I still wouldn't want you to change it. The third line of the chorus seemed a little strange, I didn't really get the "inner haze", but that's nothing to stop me from saying that this is much improved. Job well done

The 'inner haze' is referring to the 'clutter' in my mind, which stops me from seeing things clearly, hence the 'haze'.

Glad you like it better now, I think I'm going to show it to my band soon.

Thanks for all the help!

(More critique is always welcome though, it can only get better )
Tell me who's that writin'...
#8
The new chorus is good. I like it a lot.
But the last line of the chorus is a pronoun shift. It should probably be: "I keep up the facade and continue my ways." Plus, that would also have the same amount of sylables (sp?) as the line before and would flow perfectly.
Good
#9
Quote by mamosa
The new chorus is good. I like it a lot.
But the last line of the chorus is a pronoun shift. It should probably be: "I keep up the facade and continue my ways." Plus, that would also have the same amount of sylables (sp?) as the line before and would flow perfectly.
Good

Thanks for that one, editted it in my textfile. (Not going to repost it for such a minor change). It sounds way better, thanks a bunch!
Tell me who's that writin'...
#10
i liked this a lot. i like the last lines of the first chorus. i dont know if you've read "Richard Cory" by Edwin Arlington Robinson but the last line kinda reminded me of that...an almost unexpected, and violent last line. although i think overall the revised chorus is better.
i dont know how i feel about the bridge...mostly the "liar's crown" part. i dont know it just seems kinda...overdone? not sure if thats the right word.
overall, i liked it. it didnt blow me away or anything, but its definitely something i would enjoy listening to....depending on the music

thanks for your crit of my piece. you had a lot of helpful comments. and to answer your question about the quotes, it would just be sung as that. hopefully people will understand that its the guy in the song saying it but if people ask me why i changed subject then i'll change it.
EDIT: and i did the "comfort" and "unrest" thing on purpose. though it might be too confusing
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You can call me Matt
Last edited by crzysnowborder at Mar 29, 2009,
#11
Quote by crzysnowborder
i liked this a lot. i like the last lines of the first chorus. i dont know if you've read "Richard Cory" by Edwin Arlington Robinson but the last line kinda reminded me of that...an almost unexpected, and violent last line. although i think overall the revised chorus is better.
i dont know how i feel about the bridge...mostly the "liar's crown" part. i dont know it just seems kinda...overdone? not sure if thats the right word.
overall, i liked it. it didnt blow me away or anything, but its definitely something i would enjoy listening to....depending on the music

thanks for your crit of my piece. you had a lot of helpful comments. and to answer your question about the quotes, it would just be sung as that. hopefully people will understand that its the guy in the song saying it but if people ask me why i changed subject then i'll change it.
EDIT: and i did the "comfort" and "unrest" thing on purpose. though it might be too confusing

Good that you liked it, and tbh.. I never heard of that book . And you're welcome @ the crit, thanks for yours too!
Tell me who's that writin'...
#13
I quite like this but there are a couple lines I'm unsure about.. The chorus is pretty solid but the last bit 'continue your ways' just doesn't sound right, I reckon a longer line without the comma would be better for a chorus..

'Just keep smiling, just keep going' is a bit odd as well, again maybe without a pause it'd be better?? It just seems overly simplistic..

Try and build on the metaphor a little more.. I once tried to write something similar, about someone who conceals things, I compared it to a standard clown, the happy 'smiling' type - anyway when his paint wears off you see him for what he is beneath the 'facade.' Just an idea but I reckon it'd help to try and sort something like that as a backdrop to the song, sort of like to add a dimension..

Otherwise the second version is miles better Hope that helps..

Oh and if you're interested then c4c??