#1
Well, this story is kinda about tonight. Like, right now, to be exact. Enjoy!
Feedback would be nice.

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With what seemed all the strength accesible at the moment, I indulgently peeled my eyes open, and started fidgeting in bed,
stopping for several seconds, and then presuming my attempts to get comfortable. I felt the perspiration condensing on my chest.

"It must be raining cats and dogs out. I'm so humid", I thought to myself.

Looking back at the past night's events, I doubted I would ever
get any shut eye. The girl whom I was with the previous evening, just the mere thought of her, would not vacate from my mind.

I slowly dragged my feet to the edge of the bed, and allowed gravity to take its toll. My feet bangged hard on the cold tile floor. I shivered,
and frantically start looking for slippers or something to warm my feet it. A few seconds of shuffling blindly on the floor, and I feel out the warm refuge.

I started out torwards the kitchen when I realized what I thought was menacing, suicidal raindrops flinging themselves so aimlessly at the
concrete outside my house, was actually the sound of the fan of my laptop. "**** this," I thought to myself.

One could feel the palpable temperature change as I stepped through the doorway , from my room, and started slowly making my way
the kitchen. I passed the stair banister, walked to the window, and looked out. "Doesn't exactly look like rain..." I muttered.
I made a sharp one hundred and eighty degree turn, and taking a few steps, found myself right in front of the refridgerator.
I cursed softly to myself when I realized I had left the apple juice out before. I muttered a subdued " It's probably warm,", then lifted the almost
empty plastic family sized container of juice, when my fears where proved to be true. This made me absoloutely unhappy.

I instinctively made a turn left, and opened the cabinet right above the mircrowave.
I began looking for the distinct pink bottle. I quickly glanced at the silhouette of the Pepto Bismol logo, and without letting a moment pass,
quickly unscrewed the top, set the bottle to my lips, and chugged down an unhealthy amount.

I didn't really care. The pain in my stomach was unbearable, but I was a little confused of the origin of the pain. Had I ate something
unagreeable. Was this love?

Instantaneously, I quickly decided that the latter was anull, and told myself, that if I ever find the damn butterflies in my stomach, I will most
certaintly kill them.

Was I overreacting? Maybe. Were my intentions spiteful and foul? Perhaps. Would this incessant pain in my stomach stop from
cursing out everything around me? Most certaintly not. I decided to change the topic.

This girl.

Well, I thought, this girl is pretty damn hot if you ask me. I remembered that she modeled. I remember my envy for her previous boyfriends.
She had always been one year older than me. I guess I kinda thought she was out of my league.

I chuckled.

Seemingly, last night had proved otherwise. What happened as turning the light outs just for "Earth Hour" certaintly set the mood for the
make out session that seemingly came out of no where. And when it came, I was as surprised as I had ever been.

I shrugged my shoulders, before quickly lying into bed and kicking off all the covers. Maybe what happened was just an accident.No,
I don't think so, I contradicted myself. She was definetely into it.Her body language reallly made things clear. From the beginning of the day to the end of that evening, she was a new person, with new intentiond.

I guess, thats how things are you when you're still a kid. You think that people older than you are out of your league. More or less.

I was proved pleasantly wrong.

Maybe I should sleep this off, I thought again. But what one may call an expostultion with yourself was still raging on in my cloud of thoughts.
I had no clue where to turn, which path to take. She came across as interested in a relationship, but I still wanted to play the field perhaps.
I had only a few months till the end of 8th grade, and then, after the summer, I would start attending the prestigious Stuyvesant high school.
Basically, I would have no time for life...

I took a deep breath.

I'll just give this a shot, keep it low profile. What can I lose. A grin slowly pervaded my face.
I reached to my desk, took my MP3 player, and started unraveling my headphones.

This might not be such a bad idea after all, I whispered, seemingly waiting for the darkness to answer me.
I found the Rolling Stones in my artists. After a brief search, I put on the "Let it Bleed" album and skipped to the song that I had listened to so many times before.

Maybe you really do get what you need.

___________________________________________________________________
Quote by Jerry.thewise
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Quote by HunterRiggs10
Nothing on the interwebz wins that hard.




Quote by supralightning
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Quote by B. Heath
that post was Full OF WIN!!1!1




I'm not actually funny...
Last edited by KiloJulietA at Mar 29, 2009,
#4
w8 mate!
You're 1 year older than my...8 years old cousin and you're writing stories?
damn my cousin must really be retarded.
But...he has a little brother and he's even dumber.
Well I guess they're both retarded then xD
1. You're surfing the internet.
2. You're browsing through the UG forums.
3. You're reading now.
5. You didn't notice that there was no #4.
6. You just checked it.
7. Now you're having a lil smile.

Quote by hawk_kst
You Sir, have the best signature like ever!
#6
As the snow banged the cold, hardened Earth just outside my window, I sat speaking with a girl I have interest in via a communication website called Facebook. Between the falling snow, the clicking of the keys, and the quiet roar of Kings of Leon, I hear a gentle ping emit from the weak speakers on my laptop. I switch from cruising the Pit and looking for new amps on Craigslist to procure my eyes on what this electronic parcel has dropped in front of my eyes, for me, and only me to read. Expecting a response to the last message I sent to this previously mentioned girl, I see a notice. A notice that says the girl I am currently trying to woo, the most lovely girl I have ever meet, I have ever laid my weary eyes upon, has a boyfriend. Which I knew before, and had broken me apart. But I always thought it was a little casual thing, but now, when my heart has begun to mend and sew itself back together, I find that they are going steady. That they are not going to cut the relationship off, and that I am stuck in nowhere alone, by myself once again. After sitting there, mouth wide open. I remove myself from the chair I was sitting in, threw my feet down upon the stained blue carpet, and walked over to the small table next to the beat up, yellow door frame. I removed the ipod from its dock and plugged in the headphones. I scrolled through the songs and bands, looking for one that might cheer me up, or at least feed the feeling I have. I scrolled though the songs multiple times, and could never find one to fit the situation. Finally, I laid my eyes upon Fly Trapped In a Jar by Modest Mouse. It tells of a fly, with only one wing, that cannot escape its snare, much like me. I then feasted my ears upon Thorn In My Pride, by the Black Crowes. A broken lover, much like me. I reseated myself, and decided, that since the **** has hit the fan, I should no longer care, I should no longer give a ****, because it will only wind up hitting the fan.

TLDR: Very intricate detail does not make a story good, it only detracts from the main point, in my opinion.
I love Foxy Shazam more than you.



▲ ▲

#7
I understand. That's kinda my style, though.
It all wraps around together more or less, in the end.
Quote by Jerry.thewise
This has to be the funniest thing I've seen on the pit this month



Quote by HunterRiggs10
Nothing on the interwebz wins that hard.




Quote by supralightning
+10 for TS




Quote by B. Heath
that post was Full OF WIN!!1!1




I'm not actually funny...
#9
a real charles dickens over here! (not in a good way)
Gibson SG Standard
Ibanez S2170FB
Peavey JSX
Marshall 1960A
TEXAS A&M
#11
Quote by KiloJulietA
I understand. That's kinda my style, though.
It all wraps around together more or less, in the end.


The only other suggestion I have, is that you give intricate detail and try to sound elegant in most parts, but use words like shut eye. And also, I've never seen any quotes/short story writers quote themselves. It always sounds goofy. I would find another way to reword that such as "And I noticed how hard the rain was falling, and how humid it was around me." Or something to that effect, makes it flow a bit better. But other than that, a really good short story.
I love Foxy Shazam more than you.



▲ ▲

#12
I read it

It wasn't exactly a great literary piece, but it was definitely enjoyable.
a little lost.....
#14
Thanks. I'll take all the suggestions and try to work on it...
But then again, it is like, five in the morning here.... :3
Quote by Jerry.thewise
This has to be the funniest thing I've seen on the pit this month



Quote by HunterRiggs10
Nothing on the interwebz wins that hard.




Quote by supralightning
+10 for TS




Quote by B. Heath
that post was Full OF WIN!!1!1




I'm not actually funny...
#15
Quote by KiloJulietA
Thanks. I'll take all the suggestions and try to work on it...
But then again, it is like, five in the morning here.... :3



I think you could fill it out a bit more, describe what the chick looks like..


I shrugged my shoulders, before quickly lying into bed and kicking off all the covers. Maybe what happened happened was just an accident.No,
I don't think so, I contradicted in my mind. She was definetely into it. It started out as holding hands, while obnoxiously translating pointless text
into german and russian on Babelfish into something completely alien to what I imagined her intentions to be.

Might want to look at the bolded areas.

< This was by far the most annoying paragraph. So many fullstops and comas, it had no flow whatsoever.
a little lost.....
Last edited by Davo Ownz at Mar 29, 2009,