#1
Thanks for taking a look.

This is probably the fourth song I have written, but it is the first I have edited to the point that warrants posting for critique. I wrote the basic framework in about half an hour, and then refined it over the past two days. My band is sorely in need of using this because we are planning to start recording in less than a month but we have only four and a half original songs. Anyways, we play classic/modern rock but our covers range from RHCP to Sublime to Green Day so this song could go in a lot of directions.

EDIT: After talking to my bandmates, we decided this song should follow a more alternative rock/metal feel, like the critique below said.

VERSE 1
Take the last train away from here
Escape a past disavowed
To new beginnings and old tears
False truths and broken vows

VERSE 2
Trace her worn steps down the path
Past failing, lovestruck regimes
To the site of the bloodbath
Young lovers' massacred dreams

CHORUS
Trapped between the devil of her lies
And the deep blue seas of her eyes
I know that, that you need me
Scream through the silence, scream your plea
Trapped amid a labyrinth of emotion
On wings of wax and hollow devotion
I know that, that I need you
Scream through the silence, scream for the truth

VERSE 3
I’ve learned to kneel and put my faith
In the falsest of idols, in my closest of friends
Who knew the curves that frame your face
Held you, who deceived me time and again

VERSE 4
Obsession tainted with false glory
Inhale your perfume like a drug
Though this me send me to purgatory
Can’t help but feel you’re sent from above

CHORUS
Trapped between the devil of her lies
And the deep blue seas of her eyes
I know that, that you need me
Scream through the silence, scream your plea
Trapped amid a labyrinth of emotion
On wings of wax and hollow devotion
I know that, that I need you
Scream through the silence, scream for the truth

*GUITAR SOLO*

BRIDGE
Burn all our bridges, distance springs from the ash
Paper cut my heart, love seeps through the gash
Nuclear passion, the kindling ignites
Purges my memories of that fateful night
Ensnared by desire, held fast by greed
Hunter and hunted bound tight by enmity
Sun flees to the west as you flee from my gaze
Is it pain, or relief causing this teary haze

OUTRO CHORUS
Trapped between the devil of her lies
And the deep blue seas of her eyes
You no longer need me
Scream through the silence, now we’re free
Trapped amid a labyrinth of emotion
On wings of wax and hollow devotion
I no longer need you
Scream through the silence, this is the truth

*OUTRO SOLO (maybe?)*


Again, thanks for reading and (hopefully) critiquing.
Last edited by iro-bot31 at Jun 7, 2009,
#2
I love the chorus!

The song uses a nice amount of imagery, seriously why did you choose classic rock? This song would do much better in alt metal/stoner...something like tool/a perfect circle or maybe even opeth in some parts.

I love it man

C4C? My songs called grin
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#3
Thanks for the comment.

I agree about the classic rock vibe, but my vocalist and other guitarist are set in their ways about this style. I wrote the instrumental sections to be a sort of combination between classic rock and prog which they were okay with. Luckily my drummer agrees with what you said so hopefully we can change their minds.

I'll be sure to look up your song and comment too.
#4
I think this has real good potential. It's not really detechable from other metal songs but you reveal some good skills here. I don't think I can add anything because I don't really like it, but on the other hand, I have nothing against it. So, having in mind that this is not the type of things I enjoy reading, having nothing against it is a compliment.

Keep on writing man ^^