#1
Chrysalis

I don't mean to be so heartless,
It's just that I don't want
To see your eyes, your hate
When you hear what happens inside the chrysalis.

Inside, sealed up, without a door
I still burn for you.
It pulses inside me
Like cancer, it spreads through the innocence
Purity
All that was once good and fair turns to soot under your touch.

When I just want to make it all go away
I slither back home to the heart.
I don't mean to snap out and hurt anyone
I don't mean to squirm away and leave the world to burn

You don't want to know what happens inside the chrysalis.
I don't know either, but it makes me burn inside
It spreads like a cancer
I'm still quietly singeing away.

For Christ's sakes, stop pulling blindly at switches
They weaken the walls I toil on
They scratch at my curiosity
They poke at my innards

And let out the butterflies.

Comments: Hope you enjoy, C4C as usual.
#2
I don't mean to be so heartless,
It's just that I don't want
To see your eyes, your hate
When you hear what happens inside the chrysalis.
I really like this. The opening line really grabs the attention needed for the piece. Awesome use of chrysalis by the way

Inside, sealed up, without a door
I still burn for you.
It pulses inside me
Like cancer, it spreads through the innocence
Purity
All that was once good and fair turns to soot under your touch.
I like the comparison of cancer and I can see why you would use purity as the next line because it works symbolically but I don't know how well it will fit rhythmically.

When I just want to make it all go away
I slither back home to the heart.
I don't mean to snap out and hurt anyone
I don't mean to squirm away and leave the world to burn
I like this. Can't really point out any negatives for me

You don't want to know what happens inside the chrysalis.
I don't know either, but it makes me burn inside
It spreads like a cancer
I'm still quietly singeing away.
I like the repetition of earlier themes in this. Good stanza

For Christ's sakes, stop pulling blindly at switches
They weaken the walls I toil on
They scratch at my curiosity
They poke at my innards

And let out the butterflies.
This is by far my favorite one. The use of '"Christ's sakes..." really adds a lot more emotion to this part and the line at the end is a perfect way to end it



This was a VERY good piece. I didn't find much wrong with it at all and what I did can very easily be attributed to personal preference. Great job.
#3
Like the person above said, well done. I also think the line "purity" might need something added to it or taken out to help the flow. Theres really nothing more to say, unless you want to change anything I think you have a comepleted song here. Very well written.
#4
Quote by MopMaster
Chrysalis

I don't mean to be so heartless,
It's just that I don't want
To see your eyes, your hate
When you hear what happens inside the chrysalis.
I like the imagery here, how your emotions are caged by the chrysalis

Inside, sealed up, without a door
I still burn for you.
It pulses inside me
Like cancer, it spreads through the innocence
Purity
All that was once good and fair turns to soot under your touch.
The whole purity thing seems out of place, I mean it goes with innocence but its just kinda thrown in there.

When I just want to make it all go away
I slither back home to the heart.
I don't mean to snap out and hurt anyone
I don't mean to squirm away and leave the world to burn

You don't want to know what happens inside the chrysalis.
I don't know either, but it makes me burn inside
It spreads like a cancer
I'm still quietly singeing away.
Yes. I love the connection between "makes me burn inside" and "quietly singeing away". Also how it is something that you can't control.

For Christ's sakes, stop pulling blindly at switches
They weaken the walls I toil on
They scratch at my curiosity
They poke at my innards

And let out the butterflies.

Comments: Hope you enjoy, C4C as usual.


Overall very good man. I enjoyed this. The only thing that I would consider changing is the whole purity part, but maybe it sounds right in your head.
#5
Mopper,

This is rather sentimental, ain't it? I'd trade every line in this poem to have one stanza describing the girl, and then a phrase or sentence or whatever of her talking whatever words you can create that will make the reader feel the same way the speaker does. If I wanted to hear about the lonely isolated world inside the chrysalis, I'd go listen to Simon and Garfunkle "I am a Rock". "I am aloooone, gazing from my window, to the streets below, at a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow." They, also, are sentimental as all hell, but it's far easier to get away with that when you're singing.

Also, take note of the concrete imagery in Simon and Garfunkle. While they use metaphors, ie. "I am a rock." They also let you see the snow. In your poem, you stay in metaphor. I wanted "the chrysalis" to be an actual place! I wanted it to be a nightclub or some debauchery laden... you know, red-curtain spot where girls dance in leather thongs. Even those butterflies at the end... there's a lovely ring to the end, but... it's still a metaphor. You've far too many metaphors / similes.

That's all.

Best,

Jordan
#6
I thought it was pretty unique. I haven't heard anyone use the word chrysalis since high school English class. It's a nice touch. I also would have wanted more imagery about where it is, but maybe that's your intention of keeping the place mysterious. The girl doesn't know, so why should we. That's what I like about it.

Took me a bit to get the overall flow of it. But once you read it for what it was, it wasn't too bad. Still tough though. All that was once good and fair turns to soot under your touch That just makes me think the girl is evil in some sort of way. And for some reason you love her but you know she's bad for you. Very interesting take I guess. Really makes you have to think about the piece, which can be good or bad. I like things where you can have your own interpretation of the work and this is definately one of them. Well done.