Wednesday Bass
UG's big hairy bassist
Join date: Aug 2007
20 IQ
#1
Back story:
On Saturday night/Sunday morning, my friend was giving people lifts home after their night out. He flipped his car and hit a tree and died. This came about from this incident.
Verse 1
Hello my friend,
I’ve waited here for you.
Goodbye my friend,
It’s been good to see you too.

Chorus
Down by your tree,
I pray it wasn’t you.
My heart is upside down,
But I know we’ll all get through.
Your memory,
We’ll never forget.
Please come home,
I know that you regret.

Verse 2
Hello my friend,
What’s happening with you?
Goodbye my friend,
You’ve got life to pursue.

Chorus

Verse 3
Hello my friend,
The course won’t be the same.
Goodbye my friend,
I’ll always know your name.
Chorus x2

It's a work in progress and it's only taken me the past hour or so to write all this. As always, C4C.
kool98769
The Muffin Man...
Join date: Aug 2006
208 IQ
#2
I would switch...
Your memory,
We’ll never forget.
Please come home,
I know that you regret.
to
Please come home,
I know that you regret.
Your memory,
We’ll never forget.

I think forget is a bit of a better line to end on.

Also, i'm not sure why, but the first part in Verse 2 just doesn't do it for me. I would change "What’s happening with you?" to something a bit more meaningful. It kinda sounds like lyrical filler.

Of course though, that is just my opinion. I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.

c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1137721
Gear:
Ibanez RG550 20th RFR
Traynor YCV50
Fender FMT HH Tele
Mesa Boogie 2ch Triple Rectifier
2 1x12 custom Theile cabs
ISP Decimator
Krank Kranshaft
Boss BF-2 Flanger
BBE Sonic Maximizer
Wednesday Bass
UG's big hairy bassist
Join date: Aug 2007
20 IQ
#3
The "What's happening with you" part in Verse 2 was meant to sound like I was talking to him. In fact, all of the verses were meant to sound like I was talking to him.
And thinking about what you're saying in the chorus, I think that would work better. I was just writing it down as it came to me.
stealer42
UG's Libertarian
Join date: Mar 2009
10 IQ
#4
First of all I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.. I could never publish anything about such a horrible experience. On to the piece =) I can't say I love the verse chorus verse chorus style but that's just me. The piece is quite short to me but the only thing I would change besides what's already been stated is the last line where I would say "I'll always remember your name"

EDIT: C4C would be much appreciated =)
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations
Last edited by stealer42 at Jun 17, 2009,
UVER
Faiz.
Join date: Jan 2008
10 IQ
#5
Like ^ said, i would change the last line to ""I'll always remember your name".

I'm sorry about the lost of your friend... that really sucks. =/
rd93
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2009
282 IQ
#7
Do what stealer42 said. I would also change the first line of the chorus to "Down by the tree" or "Down by that tree", since you refer to it as "his" tree but then pray it wasn't him, if you know what I mean. Just a personal preference, but I would lengthen the verses as well... Sorry to hear about your friend. Please C4C the work in my sig, if you would like.
Ebshabutiee
Etceteranough
Join date: Jul 2008
20 IQ
#8
It is a sweet, memoir to your friend. I personally cannot critique this, because no matter what, you are writing from a point of view of actually expressing something meaningful. Which is in every right impressive. I guess, I could provide future advice though. AS you pursue poetry, song, what ever. Stray away from the cutesy rhyming. Use more daring vocabulary, and explore the different creative ways you can say something. I actually hope to see more pieces from you, I always enjoy seeing a writer who really writes using raw emotion and experience.

If you would, you don't even have to crit, a simple read through and comment on whether you liked it or not would suffice. linkitylinklink!
this one is for you.
Wednesday Bass
UG's big hairy bassist
Join date: Aug 2007
20 IQ
#9
Quote by rd93
Do what stealer42 said. I would also change the first line of the chorus to "Down by the tree" or "Down by that tree", since you refer to it as "his" tree but then pray it wasn't him, if you know what I mean. Just a personal preference, but I would lengthen the verses as well... Sorry to hear about your friend. Please C4C the work in my sig, if you would like.

The reason I put "your tree" is due to the fact that the tree he crashed into is now referred to, in the town, to Sam's Tree. It's covered in flowers cards and Sunderland AFC football shirts, notes, photos. It really is incredible. With regards to the verses, I've got music I'm working on alongside the music and I've got 8 bars for the Verses which fits the words perfectly.

EDIT: Also to the people who say change it to "remember your name", I did have that originally but I couldn't fit it into the music I have with this. I changed it to "know your name" because that fits the music I have.

And thanks for the support on losing Sam.
Last edited by Wednesday Bass at Jun 19, 2009,