#1
Let it be

Dark is the shadow over me
So I am told for I can’t see
Will the light ever reach my hole?
What veiled your eyes when we first met?
Could you not see what you now regret?
I never was yours to control

(Chorus)
Let it be just let it be
Why the hell would you save me?
Haven’t I done enough to you?
Let it be just let it be
You guilt my heart until it bleeds
Don’t tell me of love I never knew

Your flowering heart is in my hands
As I lay waste to your fertile lands
And gouge the eyes out of your soul
She loves me now she loves me not
The petals blight and start to rot
Who am I fighting for control?

(Chorus)
Let it be just let it be
Why the hell would you save me?
Haven’t I done enough to you?
Let it be just let it be
You guilt my heart until it bleeds
Don’t tell me of love I never knew

So close to climbing above it all
Inches short and then I fall
What am I supposed to do?
On my knees I have prayed
For things only God can take away
Why didn’t he take me away from you?

Why didn’t he just let it be?
Was it a lesson meant for me?
Why didn’t he take me away from you?
Is yours the love I never knew?

12-07-08

So I was reading the Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx and decided to take a cigarette break. I am standing on the stern of a boat looking out at sea and these lines come into my head. “Your flowering heart is in my hands as I lay waste to your fertile lands and gouge the eyes out of your soul.” I think “ok, I have got to write this down.” So I toss the cigarette, grab my coffee, and go.

It takes me about twenty minutes to write the rest. It just flowed out of me. I’m thinking about Nikki, his addictions, my addictions, my wife, my kids, his family and just a whole kaleidoscope of visions and feelings. This song encompasses it all and I think a lot of people will be able to relate and take something meaningful from it. At this point, I think I am most proud of this song. I feel it has taken me to a new level of song writing I have been yearning for. Of all the songs I have written, I think this is the best for its flow, feel, imagery, and pacing.

So, fifteen minutes to write and another five minutes to read it several times and polish it. Twenty minutes and poof…the best song I’ve ever written.

I hope the rest of my songs from here on out are as good or better as this one. If not, maybe I shouldn’t be writing anymore. The world has enough bad cheesy lyrics written for a quick buck to last several lifetimes already.

12-07-08
Somewhere off Georgia
Last edited by IamOmega at Jul 4, 2009,
#2
I liked this. I agree with your note at the end that this is a very relate-able piece, since it is vague enough that anybody can connect it to themselves but at the same time has meaning.

The only thing I didn't like was the one line "You guilt my heart until it bleeds". It reads a bit akward and I think it would be better if you used a different word in place of guilt. Anything would really do and it would be saying the same thing. Squeeze, maybe? Overall though, nice. C4c? Theres links in my sig. If you could do the first one I would appreciate it alot.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Well done. I think this is definately one of the better songs i've read in a while. I don't know what else to say- i do agree with Ganoosh and the things he mentioned but overall this is a great piece. I especially like the chorus, it really brings everything together. Thanks for the crit. and keep up the good work!
#4
Quote by IamOmega

So close to climbing above it all
Inches short and then I fall
What am I supposed to do?
On my knees I have prayed
For things only God can take away


I think That this is the most powerful part,it's excellent well done
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#6
I think the second verse is by far my favorite part of the piece. I loved how you tied in the "flowering heart" with the "fertile lands" with the "petals rotting" from the she-loves-me, she-loves-me-not image. I could really feel the song start to pick up here and the flow of it is impeccable. I agree that "guilt" is an awkward word to use here and I'm sure there's another way of wording it to get out the meaning you intend.

Also, this may be just me, but I think the last line of the third verse would sound better if it read "Why didn't he take me from you?" It sounds awkward for me when you say "why did he not take me from you?"

But those are just minor things. Overall, this song is really, really well done. It's amazing how some of the best work comes from those brief flashes of inspiration. I'm glad that when it hit you, you stopped and let it flow out of you organically. That's the way music should be made, in my opinion.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
I will take your advise. How about "Why didn't he take me away from you?'"

Thanks for the encouragement and taking time to critique.

P.S. Still working on that "guilt" problem.
Last edited by IamOmega at Jul 4, 2009,
#8
The only thing besides invisible shaping I found is the first paragraph. You go from 'the shadow on the blind man in the hole at the bottom of the sea' right to whining about your girlfriend. I neither understand what happened to you to put you in the shadow of (God?) nor understand if you are still with your chick or what happened.

Everything after that is just literary puzzles.


"Dark is the shadow over me"
If you are going to use the shadow metaphor, you need somebody casting the shadow. Your first line has nothing to do with the verse which is a bad thing.

"Let it be, just let it be"
Plagiarism. Madonna and maybe Trippin' on a Hole in a Paper Heart.

"Why the hell would you save me?
Haven’t I done enough to you?"

'Why would you save me, I'm just helping you' . . .what? It should read something like 'why the hell wouldn't. . .'

"You guilt my heart until it bleeds
Don’t tell me of love I never knew"

Your heart bleeds but you felt no love?

"Your flowering heart is in my hands
As I lay waste to your fertile lands"

That is the most disgusting and evil sex line I have ever read. Please don't just put in standard metal lines because you are writing a metal song.

"And gouge the eyes out of your soul"
'from your soul' is much better wording because spirits have eyes while souls don't. Souls are a force in Christianity and it is a singular tense of eye, more commonly known as the third eye, in Hinduism.

"She loves me now she loves me not
The petals blight and start to rot"

Blight messes up your rhyming scheme and your poetic scheme. If you are putting those two lines together and using double think, it goes Yes No No No and it would sound better if you went Yes No Yes No. Like blossom or bloom. If you want the meaning you have present in tact, try fade or wither. Those words have the same relationship with flowers and it fixes the rhyming.

"So close to climbing above it all
Inches short and then I fall
What am I supposed to do?
On my knees I have prayed
For things only God can take away
Why didn’t he take me away from you?"

You aspire to be godlike, fail and then blame god for your faults. I don't understand what you want said there.

"Why didn’t he just let it be?
Was it a lesson meant for me?
Why didn’t he take me away from you?
Is yours the love I never knew?"

How about you don't use four questions in a row and actually just say it? Is there anything wrong with 'He didn't let it be/It was a lesson meant for me/He didn't take me away from you/The love I never knew"?
#9
Also on the guilt passage, it doesn't make sense. Your heart doesn't feel guilty, the ego does. You are looking for something more like 'to make one ashamed of one's actions' and that is debase, stain or defile.
#10
Dear Streetspirit07,

First, before I say anything else, thanks for taking the time to critique.

Now, you really need to read “The Heroin Diaries” to truly get what I am saying or you could always just get a run of the mill hell bent addiction, go for the kaleidoscope ride, and show some fun loving hatred toward anyone good who tries to save you from yourself. Survive, just not whole, and come out the other side and try to explain it to someone who hasn’t taken that ride. It’s probably not going to make a lot of sense except to those who have gone through it, unfortunately.

If you get it, the answers to the questions you ask are obvious and need no singular explanation.

With all that in mind, lets take a look at your critique opener, shall we?

The only thing besides invisible shaping I found is the first paragraph. You go from 'the shadow on the blind man in the hole at the bottom of the sea' right to whining about your girlfriend. I neither understand what happened to you to put you in the shadow of (God?) nor understand if you are still with your chick or what happened.

What is “invisible shaping? Just how might one shape the invisible?

Now, I said I couldn’t “see” but I did not say I was blind. Think, even if it hurts.

Where in the first “paragraph” did I say the hole was at the bottom of the sea or the shadow was God? Are you projecting?

This is really a plot killer but I will explain some of this for you. Pay attention!

The first “paragraph” describes a person who now has a darkness about him that is recognizable to those around him but he himself doesn’t see it. He feels trapped and in a hole with no way out and seeks some sort of enlightenment or illumination to help him figure out how to get out of his dire predicament. Part of the feeling of being trapped and the darkness is due to the fact he is often appealing when he is first met but then those who care and love him sense his darkness and sometimes regret their letting him into their hearts. He doesn’t like being this kind of person but he doesn’t know how to change. To make matters worse, anyone who tries to help him change is perceived by him to be attempting to control him. His natural reaction, of course, is to fight against this. He just wants every one to “let it be”.

He does come to see all of this and of course wonders why anyone would want to help someone like him. When he is told by some one that they love him, it feels him with guilt, and so he really doesn’t like to hear this, especially since it is confusing with how he has sometimes perceived himself being treated, which is explained in the last two lines of the chorus.

I do find this comment particularly hilarious, “That is the most disgusting and evil sex line I have ever read.” Really? You don’t get out much do you? By the way, the “flowering heart” represents a heart that is learning to trust and the “fertile lands” represents the “innocence” of having never been deceived. I am “gouging the eyes out of your soul” so that you will never have the ability or want to look for that in another person and true to my self destructive ways, you’ll never look for it in me again, either. Starting to ring any bells, starting to pick up on any of this? You aren’t one of those wannabe psychologists are you? I am also sensing something perhaps religiously hostile about you. You’re not going to start preaching, are you? If you really want to get your feathers ruffled, you might want to check out some of my other work such as “Plastic Effigy”. You’ll just love it!

I would now like to address this gem “You aspire to be godlike, fail and then blame god for your faults.” If this was Jeopardy I would answer with “What is it to be human?”

Not really what I was trying to say, though it does sort of describe all of us at one time or another in our lives. I might just write another song with that in mind.

This “plagiarism conspiracy” has really got to stop. It’s not healthy. I read your critique of gnomepunter's "another day" and you said the same thing...twice. This is becoming one of your more popular themes. Find another cause.

Finally, you said,” How about you don't use four questions in a row and actually just say it?” I have to agree with you on this. It’s been bothering me also. I will do my best to take your advice and fix that.

I hope you enjoyed my critique of your critique. I hope I helped you better understand the meaning behind the words. I can’t do anything about you coming off like an a$$hole, sorry.
Last edited by IamOmega at Jul 4, 2009,
#11
Beginning with offering you my respect. I want to make sure you understand that I actually care what you have to say here, it just becomes jumbled having to put it into lyrical form. I do not wish in anyway to offend what you feel or what you have to say, I just want to help to have it said more accurately to what you want said.

Secondly, I know what it is like to be involved in it. I can understand because I grew up being on the other end of the spectrum with both of my parents being drug addicted and submersed in denial. I was young, but it gave me some wisdom on the subject.

I want to clarify some of my observations and techniques. Invisible shaping is an old music quote, "Music is shaping the invisible". To shape the mind and superego, one must divulge information in an understandable way. It is explaining meaning of experienced events to someone with no recollection or empathy.


Now onto my opinion of invisible shaping of your topic.

"Dark is the shadow over me
So I am told for I can’t see
Will the light ever reach my hole?
What veiled your eyes when we first met?
Could you not see what you now regret?
I never was yours to control"


I think should probably read more like...

Darkened are the shadows from me
So I am told for I can't see
Will my passage ever see light?
Her eyes were veiled when we first met.
You couldn't see what you now regret.
I was never yours to control.


And here is why I think it should be that way...
The first line is because you said you aren't in the shadow, you are casting the shadows of addiction.
Second line is good unless you want to say 'for I am told.'
Third line shouldn't have hole in it because it is a overly sexual word and gets a poor context to the situation. If you want an article before 'light' say 'her light' to make her more angelic and you more sinister.
Fourth line and fifth line can be statements.
Sixth line is grammatical to correct assess the subject and object of the topic. She is the subject and you have to modify what the subject does. Complicated English.

The chorus is too generic in my opinion and could have any number of verbs like 'to let it be'. Assure, pacify, sedate, soothe, becalm. "Let it be" seems overused and always has a Beatles pretext to it.

"Your flowering heart is in my hands
As I lay waste to your fertile lands
And gouge the eyes out of your soul
She loves me now she loves me not
The petals blight and start to rot
Who am I fighting for control?"


should read more like...

Your flowering heart was in my hands
As I laid waste to your fertile lands
And gouged the eyes from your soul
She loves me now like she loves me not
The petals blight then start to rot
Who am I fighting for control?


First and second lines because the tense of time in the song is not uniform, the chorus is in the present tense while it is chronologically after this verse.
Third line is the tense and 'from' is to take away and is more forceful.
Fourth line was a simile I thought was cool that still kept 'she loves me, she loves me not' nursery rhyme.
Fifth line because you over use 'and' unintentionally like most writers.
Sixth line works unless you want it something like 'Why do I have to keep fighting for control?'.

"So close to climbing above it all
Inches short and then I fall
What am I supposed to do?
On my knees I have prayed
For things only God can take away
Why didn’t he take me away from you?"


could read more like...

So close to climbing above it all
Inches short then I fell
There was nothing I could do
God could have taken me
On my knees I prayed
Why didn't he take me away from you?


This one I almost rewrote I felt and I'm sorry about that. I tried to keep it intact, but it got away from me. The first two lines aren't in the right tense. The third line seemed like filler and I thought it didn't transition well enough. The fourth and fifth line were good, all my respect, but if you said it more like how I did there is more of an unmerciful quality assigned to God combined with a resolute strength that was at the beginning of the paragraph. I like the last line because I would have done it backwards and it is better your way.
#12
Let it be just let it be
Why the hell would you save me?
Haven’t I done enough to you?
Let it be just let it be
You guilt my heart until it bleeds
Don’t tell me of love I never knew

guilt>??? i dont really like that word there...kinda stops the flow.
i like the rest of the poem the chorus has got a nice ring to it..i can almost hear the music myself.
crit me?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1156771
#13
honestly when i saw let it be i expected a beatles rip off peice of literature. But it was pretty good. I think that the guilt in your chorus does stand out a biut but i think in a good way because that is the emotion you were trying to describe. raw literature to go with your dark overture.