#1
I was planning on posting these sooner...


but due to a combination of procrastination and forgetfulness, I just had these returned to me. sooo...

Her cloak gold over me
Comforts like my white shirt at dawn
As my mouth embraces her
I wake and the nightmares are gone

Dreaming every night
Locked together tight
Dream of you in light
Clouds of blue and white

The patterns of your love
Hold me like a glove
You are just enough
I’ll wear you all night long
Wake to your song
Your lips will never wrong me


if you have any thoughts on it, by all means, go for it!
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#2
I liked everything except for the "hold me like a glove" line. For some reason that seemed forced. However, one line that really stood out to me was the "patterns of your love". I think that you should look to build upon that idea because, in my opinion, it's a pretty interesting line. That line (actually the whole piece) has a lot of potential.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
Quote by SubwayToVenus
I liked everything except for the "hold me like a glove" line. For some reason that seemed forced. However, one line that really stood out to me was the "patterns of your love". I think that you should look to build upon that idea because, in my opinion, it's a pretty interesting line. That line (actually the whole piece) has a lot of potential.

thanks. I'll think about that line.

the whole piece as is is on my profile, I'd like to throw in a don't listen until you critique it suggestion, I don't care too much either way.
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#4
It's alright. I thought a lot was forced.

There's a lot of songs about love though.
"They EAT their wounded."

"Just like chiropractors!"

Not a Lizard...
#5
this song is not about love, it's about comparing the white shirt I sleep in to kissing my girlfriend when I'm tired. it's related, I wouldn't say it's about love directly.

any particular parts that seemed especially forced?
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#6
Quote by the humanity


Her cloak gold over me
Comforts like my white shirt at dawn
As my mouth embraces her
I wake and the nightmares are gone

Dreaming every night
Locked together tight
Dream of you in light
Clouds of blue and white - TOO MUCH!!! Too many "ight"s in this stanza. It makes it read like a nursery rhyme. Don't use rhyme schemes like that.

The patterns of your love
Hold me like a glove - This is awkward to read.
You are just enough
I’ll wear you all night long
Wake to your song
Your lips will never wrong me




Alot of the rhyming seems forced. Don't try so hard to rhyme. Everything past the first stanza just has a very forced feel to it. I didn't like that part at all. The meaning of it was pretty good, though.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
Quote by Ganoosh
Alot of the rhyming seems forced. Don't try so hard to rhyme. Everything past the first stanza just has a very forced feel to it. I didn't like that part at all. The meaning of it was pretty good, though.

I would have to say it is supposed to have a nursery rhymy kinda feel.
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
Last edited by the humanity at Jun 26, 2009,
#8
First stanza is absolutely amazing, the rest doesn't live up to that standard i don't think.

For me i think it's the change in rhyming pattern and i don't really like rhyming couplets much anyway they are hard to do well.

But it's a good effort, crit mine if you get the chance (A night to remember)
#9
cool beans!

if any of you get the chance listen to the song itself. my profile 2.1, of course.
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom