#1
i think the meaning to this is rather obvious. but just to be clear. i hate guys like this.

-----------------

we've just met
and i clearly see
your potential
your catastrophe

it all starts with small talk
that's all i have to do
i'm really glad
that this girl hasn't a clue

i embrace her in my arms
purposefully slide my hand too low
as my hand reaches her pants
her eyes say yes
but her mouth says no

let's go somewhere else
is all i say
i give a little kiss
but i do think it would be better
if her lips were below my waist

let's get this going
begin right there
i know it's your first time
but why do you have to stare
this is what i do
what i have perfected
every girl i see
just needs to get injected
i'll tell them anything
not that i really care
but as long as their naked
i'll still stroke their hair
sit and cry
i'll wait around
but i can't wait
for another round

i know you had someone
but he doesn't matter
here we are right now
my hands on your head
as you go all the way down

it feels so great
the sounds from your mouth
drawing ever closer
i just can't wait

now i'll comfort you
i'll make you feel special
let's do this again
but maybe you should leave
sorry for the hassle

and when she's gone
another girl
will come along
that i can draw into my place
her head
her disgrace

let's get this going
begin right there
i know it's your first time
but why do you have to stare
this is what i do
what i have perfected
every girl i see
just needs to get injected
i'll tell them anything
not that i really care
but as long as their naked
i'll still stroke their hair
sit and cry
i'll wait around
but i can't wait
for another round
Last edited by zymn at Jun 25, 2009,
#2
Listen hymen, find another subject! This just isn’t working out.

Write me what's real.
#3
I think it would've helped if you took a more implicit approach when describing this scenario, instead of such an explicit meaning. That is, I think you should've used some more literary devices like metaphors, similes, etc. to get your point across. That way, you'd be able to elicit some sort of emotion from the reader. Right now, you're basically telling me what events have transpired but you haven't dug deeper to the underlying meaning of the situation.

If any situation (or any situation worth writing about), there will be overarching theme that you want the reader to grasp. Yeah, we all hate guys who take advantage of girls but what kind of statement are you trying to make about it? What kind of "big-scheme" problem are you addressing? Is there a solution to this problem? I think that these are things that songs should try to address, and not merely narrating events. I hope that this made sense.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
yeah, it makes sense. but, like. i kinda wrote this in the viewpoint of the guy who my ex cheated on me with. cause i can tell he's just lying to her... and she knows it. which i find incredibly stupid.
#5
I'm gonna be honest with you, this was kind of boring. From what you said, I can see that this could be a topic of great conflict and emotion (just guessing). If that's the case then put that into writing. Like said above, use more literary techniques to help better engage your reader. You want to get them to read your work because it's exciting, interesting, or just damn well written. I know this has potential so if you want to make this into a great song, I suggest you take out/add new lines or alter existing ones. Do with it as you wish, it's your song. These are just my thoughts. Critique mine too please! Last link in my signature would be great. Thanks
#6
yeah, i was thinking about throwing in something, but it sounds too much like that book about the spider who draws the bug into his parlor...