#1
Ok, well i read these really amazing songs all the time, that don't have a chorus, or anything, but yet it seems to amaze me, every time. I know this song isn't going to be anything close to that, but I am trying to become a better song writer, and any crits would be greatly appreciated.


In this differential equation we humans call life,
who are we but ourselves to determine the rules and regulations
of this thing called reality?
What if up is down,
and left is still left, but with a little twist?
And if love, is only chemical reactions,
why does it do more crazy things to people,
then the things we say are bad for us?


So what if we in our misunderstanding of this gramatical, lyrical,
and mathmatical paradox we call life,
are all just part of a dream of some other greater power being who is his slumber
dreaming our life, one bye one
and then what would happen, if he woke up?
Last edited by darkrikku at Jun 25, 2009,
#3
5 hits? Is that what it takes to un-brainwash the masses.

Very Cool! I like it a lot!
#4
Are you a fan of Tool? I listen to a lot of Tool and everytime I write lyrics, they they kind of end up being along the same sort of lines as yours....sort of metaphorically questioning the meaning of life!!

Heres an example of something I wrote a little while ago...


The depth at which it comes
determined by the users
drawing close together
as an eternal gift

The power in just one
Closeness I feel
Lucious, soft skin on skin
Embracing the soul of another

In these days of digital interconnection
full of worldy misconception
the real truth is hidden
behind these sacred times together

This God given pleasure
should be treasured
like it's the last thing you'll do
#6
I liked it. I wouldn't really call it a song until I heard music with it, but it definitely fits the category of poetry (why am I categorizing?). Things I noticed: the us in the first line should be we grammatically speaking, the ending seemed cliche and phrased awkwardly. If you are going to use that whole dream idea be sure to do it very originally.
#7
I wasn't a big fan of the language,
and your thoughts seem too scattered.
Try bringing all these questions and ideas together
Tie them up, run them through each other, something
This reads a bit like a pretty grocery list

That said, this wasn't bad
Keep it up
#8
I didn't understand the "Why does it do more crazy things to people, then the things we say are bad for us?" It seemed like you randomly threw a question about nothing after a pretty good line. Also, you spelled by wrong in the last stanza.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Jun 26, 2009,
#9
And you spelled stanza wrong! Although that might just be an alternative spelling, in which case I'll feel pretty dang stupid.

I was reeled in by the song title, so excellent work on that. I thought that although it fits with the title, you tried to hard to use bigger words in an effort to make the song/poem sound more sophisticated. But you took on the common subject of the meaning of life in an interesting way. The last three lines make the piece for me; otherwise I would have simply forgotten. And...

...that's about it.

Overall, good job.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Jun 25, 2009,
#10
Quote by punkforlife93
And you spelled stanza wrong! Although that might just be an alternative spelling, in which case I'll feel pretty dang stupid.


AHHH!!!! You got me. Typos are satan..


Stupid grammar nazis....


Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#12
Quote by punkforlife93
If so, you best be changing aso to also... >.>



Man, you are GOOD...Thanks. I guess.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#14
very trippy just to read, but honestly it's a little shallow and could use more focused ideas.
I like it but it could be a lot better.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#15
Quote by king1111
stuff


*reported*
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian