#1

Talk to me in platitudes,
embrace the attitude of teachers,
be a preacher to my choir.

Listen to the tell tale wire as it whispers,
quiet whimpers; simple words
are those best heard in the aftermath.

Give me some more latitude,
with gratitude I will repay,
and pray my debts to clear.

Whisper venom in my ear and
tell me dearest, all those empty lines
that choke us like dead vines.

Now kill the choir,
eat these lines,
bend the wire,
chop the vines,
sharpened tongues,
more quick than knives,
the noose adjusted
to your neck size,
as the hitman waits
to claim his prize:

Your head on a platter
of platitudes.


This is not a pipe
#2
<3
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
This was amazing. I especially loved the change of pace with that second-to-last stanza, how it sped up with those short, quick lines and then slowed down again with the last two lines.

This was really well-written and, like I said, I was seriously impressed with how you were able to pace this piece. Good job
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
I like this more than your piece that is currently the WOTW.
*shrugs*
Promises meant a lot back then.
#6
I want you to write a piece that's somewhat bad, just to see what it's like, because everything I've seen you do in my short time here is awesome.
"They EAT their wounded."

"Just like chiropractors!"

Not a Lizard...
#7
What I really like about this is the fact that it's flow is not "perfect". Seeing that you are indeed human is just as wonderful as seeing you inhumanely.

"sharpened tongues" didn't quite feel right to me, but that's all I wasn't very keen on.

#8
My suggestion to you, carmel, is next time to write something that isn't heaven-sent and polished to a pure shine, so we can have something to crit.

Just kidding. It's perfect.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#9
Quote by Carmel

Talk to me in platitudes,
embrace the attitude of teachers,
be a preacher to my choir.

Listen to the tell tail wire as it whispers, Should "tell tail" be "tell tale" or are you going for some word play that I'm missing?
quiet whimpers; simple words
are those best heard in the aftermath.

Give me some more latitude,
with gratitude I will repay,
and pray my debts to clear.

Whisper venom in my ear and
tell me dearest, all those empty lines
that choke us like dead vines. I honestly wasn't expecting this to be a dark piece with the tone you started off with, but you've shifted so subtly and brilliantly that I don't care.

Now kill the choir,
eat these lines,
bend the wire,
chop the vines,
sharpened tongues, I agree with Dan that this line feels a little bland and cliched here.
more quick than knives,
the noose adjusted
to your neck size,
as the hitman waits
to claim his prize:

Your head on a platter
of platitudes.

End sealed the deal, as always.




Tried to nitpick for once, Carmel.
#10
Holy crap, I love the rhyme scheme here.

Some of your pieces are just too seemingly perfect for me to fully appreciate, and don't have the character that I urge to connect with in writing. But this is one of my fave pieces of yours.

This part was amazing for me.

the noose adjusted
to your neck size,
as the hitman waits
to claim his prize:

Your head on a platter
of platitudes.


I'd ask you to crit the piece in my sig, except that my critique seems rather crit-less.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Jun 25, 2009,