#1
This is something a little different than what I usually write. So far I haven't been able to come up with a chorus but i'm working on it. It's about false hope and how we can't know someone elses pain or problems until we experience it. As always C4C-if left a link. Thanks


She Won't Die

It began with an ache
Tingling up her spine,
but it's ok she said
I won't die

How naive of her, he thought
On his way to work
We all die eventually
Even her

Nightly pains kept her awake
While beside her he slept
Take another pill, they said
Just don't complain

The doctors said she was fine
Anxiety pains and nothing more
Work can't wait he said
Just live with it

She woke up,
and couldn't feel her legs
No diagnoses
It's all in her head

He couldn't help but wonder
With a frown on his face
Why she would lie?
Just for sympathy?

She sat in her straight jacket
Paralyzed head to toe
But it's ok she thought
I'm alright.

He didn't come to visit her
He'd just met a new girl
Self sufficient in every way
Just the way he likes

Sprawled on the ground
Blood dripping from her head
"It appears she fell"
Is what the autopsy said

A note was scrawled on the wall
"i won't die" is how it read
erased and forgotten
A new patient took her room

The doctors uncovered it
forming in her brain
She had a tumor
If only they'd believed

In the end we don't care
Every story ends the same
We all die some day
It'll start with an ache
Last edited by muel333 at Jun 26, 2009,
#2
Nobody critiqued? I'll critique yours too!

*edit*
sorry didn't realize i was breaking teh rulez
Last edited by muel333 at Jun 25, 2009,
#4
Quote by muel333


She Won't Die

It began with an ache
Tingling up her spine,
but it's ok she said
I won't die - This line is too short. Maybe try "I'm not going to die"? Or something along those lines.

How naive of her, he thought - Put a comma here. Just nitpicking.
On his way to work - Maybe "As he drove to work" or something. Nothing wrong here, but just a suggestion for an alternate line if you wish
We all die eventually
Even her

Nightly pains kept her awake
While beside her he slept - You could maybe change this to "While he slept beside her"?
Take another pill, they said - Another comma.
Just don't complain - You could add "anymore" to add to the effect. Or you could stay "Just stop complaining"

The doctors said she was fine
Anxiety pains and nothing more
Work can't wait he said - Do you mean "she"?
So she left - This needs something a bit more. It reads awkwardly

She woke up,
couldn't feel her legs - "And she"? Just a thought.
No diagnoses
It's all in her head

He couldn't help but wonder
With a frown on his face
Why she would lie?
Just for sympathy?

She sat in her straight jacket - What's this talk of straight jackets? Where did this come from?
Paralyzed head to toe
But it's ok she thought
I'm alright. - This, once again, needs more syllables to make it flow.

He didn't come to visit her
He just met a new girl - "He had", or "He'd", maybe? Might work better.
Self sufficiant in every way - Sufficient.
Just the way he likes

Sprawled on the ground
Blood dripping from her head
"It appears she fell"
Is what the autopsy said

A note was scrawled on the wall
"i won't die" - Same thing as my comment above on that statement
is how it read
Promptly erased from the wall,
A new patient took her room - And?

The doctors uncovered it
How could it be? - Seems cheesy..
She had a brain tumor
If only they'd believed

In the end we don't care
Every story ends the same
We all die some day
It'll start with an ache - "It all starts with an ache" would work perfectly here.



Man, this is a long one. I think every time you post something you are getting progressively better, although you are starting to show a fascination with serial killers and all that is not sane with your last two pieces. I liked this. Can I ask what inspired you to write this? It seems like it would be an interesting story. C4C? Theres links in my sig. I'd appreciate if you could do the first one.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
I was watching a show called Mystery Diagnoses the other day and it's about people with strange diseases and their struggle to figure out their medical problems. So later a story popped into my head about someone with a medical condition that nobody can figure out so the doctors presume her insane hence the straight jacket even though she is paralyzed. As crazy as this sounds, stuff like this actually happens. Once in a while doctors will not believe patients, relating symptoms to a mental illness. Then later in the song she dies, not from the tumor but from hitting her head. It's not till after the autopsy that the doctors realize that she was sane and suffered from a tumor. Too late to do anything about it. Hopefully they will learn from their mistake.

As twisted as my themes may be I assure you I am perfectly sane and am just writing about events/problems i see in society that inspire me.
I appreciate the help and i'll edit and critique in the morning.
#6
I actually enjoyed this. You have a simple style of writing, but it's enjoyable in its own way, just because it has a great, unexpected vibe.

Sometimes I felt in this piece that you were too blunt, particularly in her death scene. It read like prose, although I feel you were attempting songwriting. And the flow was off very often. But still, it was enjoyable enough. Just reading what inspired you to write this made me appreciate the piece more.
#7
I changed some things as you suggested but left most of it the way it was because it fit better with the music that I already have written. Thanks for the help though- i'm trying to write at least one piece a day even if it's complete crap just to stay writing. I have a couple pretty good pieces in the works right now that i'll hopefully have finished soon!
#8
I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you just make it as hard as possible for me to find anything wrong with this. This hit pretty hard and kept me thinking all the way through. I could see it like a movie.

I don’t know the genre so I can’t break it down line for line for the flow because it could be made to work just like it is.

This is my critique, although I am sure you were hoping for something more technical, I really do not want to mess with this because I like it just how it is.

C4C?

Let it be
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150603

O Selfish Me

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150598
#9
It's a cool idea for a song, but to be honest it was very boring and a little confusing.
I would keep revising. Focus on clarity and making the ideas flow better.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#10
Wow, Muel, pretty deep stuff. I was very impressed. It does read more like a story than a song. But, it is a very good description of a specific person, and a nice tie into to how she impacts all of us - eventually. I just hope my fate isn't so terrible.

For a song, you'll probably need a chorus and to ditch some of your verses - maybe holding on to 6 - 8 of the ones you like most. That will be hard. Good luck, I'd say to keep improving it.

I imagined a slower Nirvana song in my head (like I think I'm Dumb) as I read it. It went very well, in terms of flow.
#13
It was more of a transition piece. Just something to keep the lyrics going.