#1


i was arguing with my woman long distance
when the other phone rang -
friend on the line
man
how's things?
he had just got off a train
in the next town
and was walking thirteen miles into the countryside
to take his girl some flowers.
he told me how his
feet were aching
on the one phone
and on the other
i told my lover
that we'd come real far
but it was getting tough now.
he said that the trees were
growing out of the side of the road
and bending over
and great bars of dusk light were
throwing themselves over him
and i whispered to my baby that i felt
a little like she'd tamed me
that i was an animal but
i just felt a little caged right now.
he told me his girl was expecting him and
i told mine that i didn't expect
anything at all
that i just wanted
to come to some kind of agreement you know
sort everything out.
the friend asked me to
grab a map
check his route for him
he was getting a little lost
in the near dark
and so was i.





love is a dog from hell.



#2
I don't think I've commented on any of your pieces since you came back, so I just want to say that I've read them all and you're bloody good (but you don't need to be told that). This is no exception.

On the first line I picked up that you were on a long distance journey with her rather than calling her long distance. I'm sure that that won't trip others but it did me.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Awesome, I love the way the two conversations intertwined so effortlessly. Really added to it.
#4
This was genius and beautiful and the best I've read from you so far. The way the two conversations entwined, the wonderufl rhyming, the flow, the rhythm, the pace and wonderfully perfect.
#5
I liked it up until the end.
The ending was a little blunt for my tastes. Not bad, just no appeal for me.
#6
You are officially one of my favorite UG writers. I've seen your pieces you placed against Kyle and the other guy in the Contest forum too, and this tipped it off for me.

It all came off to me as very simple, and yet beautiful in its own way. It's just so...effortless. It flows incredibly. My favorite part was:

and i whispered to my baby that i felt
a little like she'd tamed me
that i was an animal but
i just felt a little caged right now.


I think that the only part awkward for me is the last too lines. I think it might be that it said "near dark" instead of simply "dark."

Either which way, that's the only nitpicky suggestion that I can bring to mind. If you've got spare time, feel free to shred the piece in my sig.
#8
I love the conversational undertones I found in this. The constant switching between the two characters in particular was both fluid and stuttered. I don't know how you managed it without coming across as forced, but it really shows you are one of the most naturally talented writer on UG.
Overall, it's entirely original and creative. it helps build a barrier between love and reality...

"he told me how his
feet were aching
on the one phone
and on the other
i told my lover
that we'd come real far"


... brilliant use of intermittent flow.

The only thing I could suggest that may help is that the "caged" line seems to distant from the "forest" line. Maybe you could use a different term instead of "caged" that would help the reader feel both succumbed by the insides of the wood, and also too separated because of the spaciousness that is often wired to the trees imagery; which would add another layer of contrast, a layer first introduced with the characters of you, your girlfriend, your friend and his girlfriend.

The ending felt a little bland in comparison, but it was still a very nice read.
#9
I feel like I should say something constructive about this. But I don't know what to say, can't think right now. I love it, though, I really do.
#10
I think it's really good, loved it.

However I'd like to ask to proficient writers here on UG how do you turn this kind of lyrics into a song? Can you give me examples of songs that have this kind of lyrical structure?

Thanks.
#11
wow this is the first of yours i have read but am really looking forward to reading more. this is really really creative and a structure is unique or at least one i have not seen a lot. but great piece i really really liked it
#12
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I love the conversational undertones I found in this. The constant switching between the two characters in particular was both fluid and stuttered. I don't know how you managed it without coming across as forced, but it really shows you are one of the most naturally talented writer on UG.
Overall, it's entirely original and creative. it helps build a barrier between love and reality...

"he told me how his
feet were aching
on the one phone
and on the other
i told my lover
that we'd come real far"


... brilliant use of intermittent flow.

The only thing I could suggest that may help is that the "caged" line seems to distant from the "forest" line. Maybe you could use a different term instead of "caged" that would help the reader feel both succumbed by the insides of the wood, and also too separated because of the spaciousness that is often wired to the trees imagery; which would add another layer of contrast, a layer first introduced with the characters of you, your girlfriend, your friend and his girlfriend.

The ending felt a little bland in comparison, but it was still a very nice read.



Bars of light through the trees represent bars of a jail cell.


Cheers everyone.




love is a dog from hell.



#17
I read this a while ago and forgot to comment about it. I really liked it though. It was well written and focused. The subject was something I could relate to as well, which made this even better.

This is not a pipe