#1
I was listening to some Say Anything while writing this - I'm sure it shows. I'm proud of this piece, although it is, suffice it to say, a bit more than odd.


The bile rises in my mouth.

I hate traffic like this.
Every other supposed gentleman
Clamoring frantically in line
For a nice piece of ass.

Your perpetual objectivity literally makes me
Want to projectile vomit in your every orifice.
How’s that for a controlled analysis?
You reverberate with animal sex-drive.

It’s just business from now on,
Calm, coordinated business.
Just suck in your breath so you’ll fit in an undersized dress…
…now let it all out and blow, blow, blow…

I seriously hate traffic like this.
I thought you said you didn’t like taxis,
But here you are, sharing with strangers,
Trying to save face and some loose change.

Your post-modern duplicitous Romeo
Is chivalrously showing you to a none-too-luxurious seat.
Can’t you see the iocane powder dripping from the rose petals?
It’s tasteless, colorless, odorless, futureless.

It’s just business from now on,
Calm, coordinated business.
Just suck in your breath so you’ll fit in an undersized dress…
…now let it all out and blow, blow, blow…
#2
Sex rock!!!!! I like this piece. It's different from all the other silly or undistinct "love songs". That term used loosely because i wouldn't define this as a song about love but it's the best description i could come up with. I find the first verse both humorous and true. Other parts are pretty funny too- projecting vomit is an example. Nice work. C4C-any link in my sig. please! Thanks
#3
Thanks for the critique.

It wasn't exactly meant to be funny, or sex rock, but I do appreciate your...well, your appreciation. I hope you found my crit helpful.
#4
Quote by punkforlife93
I was listening to some Say Anything while writing this - I'm sure it shows. I'm proud of this piece, although it is, suffice it to say, a bit more than odd.


The bile rises in my mouth.

I hate traffic like this.
Every other supposed gentleman
Clamoring frantically in line
For a nice piece of ass.
^I think this would be stronger if you just said "Every other gentleman", because it is already clear from the following lines that the gentleman is a supposed one.

Your perpetual objectivity literally makes me
Want to projectile vomit in your every orifice.
How’s that for a controlled analysis?
You reverberate with animal sex-drive.

It’s just business from now on,
Calm, coordinated business.
Just suck in your breath so you’ll fit in an undersized dress…
…now let it all out and blow, blow, blow…
^(although it's probably not intended that way) I imagined a row of calm coordinated cars sucked into a bottleneck of traffic and being expelled on the other side as a metaphor for the woman.

I seriously hate traffic like this.
I thought you said you didn’t like taxis,
But here you are, sharing with strangers,
Trying to save face and some loose change.

Your post-modern duplicitous Romeo
Is chivalrously
showing you to a none-too-luxurious seat.
Can’t you see the iocane powder dripping from the rose petals?
It’s tasteless, colorless, odorless, futureless.

wordy. I imagine this to be very awkward to say. "Duplicitous" and "Chivalrously" just clash together.

It’s just business from now on,
Calm, coordinated business.
Just suck in your breath so you’ll fit in an undersized dress…
…now let it all out and blow, blow, blow…


The idea is good, but I get the feeling you are using complicated words just for the sake of using them.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
I have to agree with muel333, he said pretty much what I thought. Maybe you've founded some new kind of genre: Sex Rock. Well I dunno C4C would be nice.


You can teach anyone to play fast, but you gotta have soul.
-Zakk Wylde


My set:
Gibson SG Faded Cherry
Peavy Rage 158
Boss DS-1 Distortion
#6
I just assumed that was something you were talking about when you said blow, blow, blow and other parts like the 1st paragraph. But there are parts that could be about anything like the 5th paragraph. Thanks for your crit.
#7
Being quite honest, this is the only bit I enjoyed reading:

"Can’t you see the iocane powder dripping from the rose petals?
It’s tasteless, colorless, odorless, futureless."

- it seemed to be the only section I feel like taking seriously, like you really added something new to my day, something emotive and poignant.

I thought the rest was too childish and unrelatable to really enjoy. And the slightly pretentious and overly long terminology didn't help the silly subject matter become more germane to S&L, or to me personally. Neither did you allow any real dark humour to elicit itself - which this needed in my eyes. you just used some fancy words to metaphorically explain your viewpoints on flirting and humanities obviously frivolous and ostentatious way of objectifying everything with clear underlining disdain and lack of a lasting respectfulness (probably sex)... but who cares? I don't care.
Where's the grown-up reservedness and understanding? Where's the clear-cut impressionist of a writer?
You have to understand, people aren't perfect. Sometimes they have nothing else to do but work and fuck. Some people are simply misunderstood: which this clearly shows to me.

"Your post-modern duplicitous Romeo
Is chivalrously showing you to a none-too-luxurious seat."

- I have a vague what you are trying to say here, but I even if I did fully understand it, I get the impression I won't like it.

I'm not trying to be mean here, I have enjoyed your other work, but I didn't like this very much at all.
#8
Thanks to everyone for the critiques! It really gave me a lot to think about.

The idea of the longer words being placed there simply for their wordiness is intentional, to be honest. I thought that it sort of tied together with the idea of attempting to be pretentious, and coming across as having an annoying superiority complex. So, in a way, I'm glad that the two stanzas portrayed that idea.

As for the subject matter...I was more or less thinking about trafficking.

Of women.

As prostitutes.

That's what the song is supposed to be about. I appreciate what others got from it, but I thought that I'd put that out there - just to maybe help you understand it more. The childish and snobbish attitudes ARE supposed to clash. I'd watched Taken before it, and while I thought the movie was a bit iffy, it gave me a lot to think about. I decided to make a sort of pop punkish song, similar in style to Say Anything, about it. And tada - you got this.
#9
Now you've blown it. I read your post, came done here with a bunch of thoughts and then read your description. Crap, oh, now it all makes perfect sense. I would have never, ever got that, but that is really cool in songs. You know when you've been singing a song for years and someone says, "Do you know that song is about hookers?!" Sounds like I'll finally have the inside scoop and I'll be the one filling in the background on this one.

I see great potential for a song here (maybe Blink or Rage style?). I actually liked it on the first read, and now that I know what its about, it is great. I'm jealous (my songs for crit are so simple).
Last edited by chall_99 at Jul 28, 2009,