#1
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lol this is the very first song i have ever written so tell me how much it suks and by all means be honest and tell now if it looks like i should give up song writing lol well here goes prepare for maximum sukage and thx for any input
(intro)
something isnt quiet right
or so it would seem
sometimes it
falls apart
at the seams
(verse 1)
you keep telling me that i dont wanna do this
but somethings telling me that i will.......enjoy it
i bet you think i look so pathetic.
so im pathetic
so im pathetic
so empathetic
(verse2)
well living in such a vacant state of mind
the truth can be a little hard to find.
but thats ok
i never needed it anyway

(chorus)
now that youve got nothing left to lose
living this existence
leaves you feeling confused
is it real
or could it be a dream
now that youve taken all you can take
and its built up inside
you have given all you can give
and all that youve got
(now its time)<---------------only sing the 2nd time through the chorus
(time)<-------------------------goes with the previous line
to take it away!!!!<----------goes with the previous line

(outro)
things could have been different
in another life or
maybe anyother day
any other day
any.....other....day
Last edited by gnomepunter at Jul 2, 2009,
#2
Next time you post something, you should probably separate your work into choruses and verses, or if it's poetry, stanzas. It would make things much easier to read. Also, leave out the cues for the instruments and singers. It just interrupts the flow of the words as I was trying to read them and the emotions got put on pause for a second while I read what was supposed to be happening with the rest of the band.

I think since this is your first attempt at writing, that you did alright. But that's just considering that you have never tried to write anything before. So as for the actual writing, I thought you put everything very bluntly and it was all very plain. There was really no imagery or descriptions to put any images or emotions in my head. You were basically telling me in bland format exactly what to think while leaving no room for imagination for myself. This will improve as you write more, though.


You should spell check next time before you post. And please, try to avoid writing TOO much about girl problems. There is nothing wrong, but it can become a bit repetitive when you keep writing songs about it.

Good for a first attempt. If you want to take a look at some of my work, there are links in my sig.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
thx ganoosh i tried edit it better let me know if there is anything else i need to kno
Last edited by gnomepunter at Jun 26, 2009,
#4
A little hard to follow and the rhyme scheme is a little shaky, although not everything has to rhyme, so don’t force it. Sometimes it is how you sing it that makes it good.

The switching back and forth of the “I and you” leaves me wondering who you are talking about. That being said, I edited it to be from your point of view only. Is this what you are trying to say or did I get it wrong?

I hope this helps.


another day

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lately things just seem a little different
something doesn’t seem quiet right

you keep telling me that I don’t want to do this
there is something inside telling me that I’ll.......enjoy it
I bet you think I look so pathetic.

living in such a vacant state of mind
the truth can be a little hard to find.

(Chorus)
now that I’ve got nothing left to ........ lose
cannot tell if my own existence
is real or dream
now that I’ve taken all I can take
and its all built up inside
now that I’ve taken all of the ****
and I have given all that I can
now its time to take it all away


things could have been different
in another life or
maybe any other day
any other day
any.....other....day


I hope I have at least given you some ideas.


C4C?

Let it be

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150603

O Selfish Me
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150598
#5
I agree with both comments above. DEFINATELY don't be too repetitive, a little bit is ok. Especially on the topics of your songs. I can't tell you ow many times I skipped over somebodys work just because it's the same as everything else. The chorus was ok but not bad. I liked the 3rd little paragraph thing, that is well written.

Don't give up on songwriting though, my first song I posted here I must have edited 20 times before I liked it. You did a fair job, especially for a beginner. Keep it up. If you want to look at my work, the links are in my signature. Thanks
#6
it is meant to be from my point of view but it is secondly meant to target and make the listener (if they have went through sumthing similar) feel as tho the song is personnal.ill gladly accept any advice on pointers or tips.and i thank you all for being so helpful as well
p.s.i think the part that needs the most work is the chorus o yea i did a few tweaks so lets me kno if it feels more smooth or if i just screwed it up rofl
Last edited by gnomepunter at Jun 28, 2009,
#7
k i just did some changes and things to fix the flow lol for the like 8th time let me kno wat you guys think now
#9
Dang man being a first song that's pretty fackin good!
Quote by necrosis1193
As usual Natrone's mouth spouts general win.

Quote by Silverstein14
man, Natrone you're some kind of ninja I swear


Quote by gregs1020
plexi


i realize the longshot that is. little giant to humongous one.


Rest In Peace Stevie Ray
#10
thx everyone i tried really hard on this song i have few more to post but after i post them im sure ill have to edit them as i did this one.but again let me extend my thanks to you all for the input
#11
Intro - Best foot forward on verse one rhyming seem with seam. That is called a homophone

Verse 1 - Nice job inadvertently plagiarizing Bound for the Floor by Local H

Verse 2 - You honestly said your head was vacant and you don't need the truth. You just said you were stupid...

Chorus - Is this the real life? Is this just "a dream"? Unoriginal and inadvertent plagiarism of Queen. That is a damnable sin.

Outro - First thing that is wrong is that it doesn't have anything to do with the rest of the song.
Second thing is that you aren't Eddie Vedder and this isn't 1994.
Third thing is "maybe any other" is wrong. You can't use a modifier on an adverb.

I hope you are young or that was a rough draft.
#12
first of all i dont kno who the hell Local H is.
second i dont like have never liked and have only listened to queen once.
and third of all i can use a modifier on anything i wish to because music is about pioneering which is making your on way.
i do thank you for your input tho.
and last but not least no matter who you are or how you place words at some point your goin to be accused of ripping it off from someone else.
so before you accuse me of this keep in mind that there are only so many words in the english language.
and i think Marilyn Manson said it best in his song This is the new ****(nothing left to say anymore when its all been said before).
nothing sounds 100 percent original with so many musicians in this world.
there will always be a song that reminds you of or has a simularity to another song.
but like i said i do thank you for you input my friend
Last edited by gnomepunter at Jul 5, 2009,
#13
I mention Local H because I actually wrote one of their lyrics because I subconsciously heard it. It comes off as the same situation is all.

If you have never listened to Queen, read the words to Bohemian Rhapsody once. It is the same topic as this as well.

Marilyn Manson wasn't even original with that though, Beatles had All You Need Is Love

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.


The grammatical thing is just a little fix so nobody can call you on it. It could be 'maybe another day' or 'any other day, maybe'. I didn't invent English, don't kill the editor.
#14
hmmm i sorry if i came off as rude lol i wasnt trying to be.
and hey i do agree the beatles said it much earlier than manson and might i add much better as well XD.like i said bro sry if i was rude i wasnt trying to be.