#1
Take What is Left
------------------------

If there was nothing left to say
Who could have put your thoughts away
If there was nothing left behind
Who could have known we were to die

This life is hard to read
A book cannot be judged
We've cleared the dust and yet something
Has hidden this from us

Look back
Double check
Has it all gone
Take what is left

Nothing seems to go to plan
Even though the hand has healed the man
Why can't we know
Nothing seems to go to plan
But your heart cannot pretend
Your mind has lost your soul

If there was nothing left to say
Who could have put your thoughts away
If there was nothing left behind
Who could have known we were to die

Look back
Double check
Has it all gone
Take what is left

Nothing seems to go to plan
Even though the hand has healed the man
Why can't we know
Nothing seems to go to plan
But my heart cannot pretend
My mind has lost your soul

Realize
What's taken is mine
Search
And find this stolen prize

Nothing seems to go to plan
Even though the hand has healed the man
Why can't we know
Nothing seems to go to plan
But my heart cannot pretend
My mind has lost your soul

------------------------------------------------------------

comments please!
#2
Quote by crisisinheaven
Take What is Left
------------------------

If there was nothing left to say
Who could have put your thoughts away
If there was nothing left behind
Who could have known we were to die

The first and the third lines are really strong, but the second and fourth lines seem to take away from the power that the others deliver, so that might be something to consider revising

This life is hard to read
A book cannot be judged
We've cleared the dust and yet something
Has hidden this from us

I think its just the second line in here, it's like a half finished thought, unless that was the approach you were going at, if it was meant for that, then I have no problems here

Look back
Double check
Has it all gone
Take what is left

Take out the second line here, this will work much better without it, it'll get to the point faster, re enforcing the ideas of loss.

Nothing seems to go to plan
Even though the hand has healed the man
Why can't we know
Nothing seems to go to plan
But your heart cannot pretend
Your mind has lost your soul

If you take away the fourth and fifth lines from this stanza this would sound nicer, dont forget the question mark after "why cant we know"

If there was nothing left to say
Who could have put your thoughts away
If there was nothing left behind
Who could have known we were to die

Look back
Double check
Has it all gone
Take what is left

Nothing seems to go to plan
Even though the hand has healed the man
Why can't we know
Nothing seems to go to plan
But my heart cannot pretend
My mind has lost your soul

Realize
What's taken is mine
Search
And find this stolen prize

Best stanza yet, fantastic work.

Nothing seems to go to plan
Even though the hand has healed the man
Why can't we know
Nothing seems to go to plan
But my heart cannot pretend
My mind has lost your soul

------------------------------------------------------------

comments please!



With a bit of work this could become quite a nice piece of writing, I hope you dont think what I said is saying I think its terrible, because its not, its really nice, with a few short comings that if corrected could make it awesome.

If you could check out "Fireflies Through A Skylight" in my sig, I'd much appreicate it.

Cheers! keep at this piece, it has a hell of a lot of potential.