#1
First piece I've posted on here, it needs a lot of work, this is what I wrote to bring me out of a slump, any feedback would be fantastic, it is why I put it here constructive critisisms, anything, at all, I would appreiciate it, this is C4C of course.

The World above, look how it dances,
The clouds roll in grey and white,
Clicking in time.
Am I really awake?
Still dancing to my own mechanical heartbeat?

Am I real?
Teetering on the edge of sanity,
Between the blanket and the bedsheet,
My head, too soft for a hard place.

Waltzing to what seems to be my own metronome,
Stepping to the click and the clack, the gears ever turning.
The world never stirring to my ebb and flow, my folly, my downfall.


As I said C4C, any critisisms would be awesome, cheers
Last edited by Capital D at Jun 27, 2009,
#2
hey dude - thanks for ur help on Take What is Left. just thought i'd return the favour

Quote by Capital D
First piece I've posted on here, it needs a lot of work, this is what I wrote to bring me out of a slump, any feedback would be fantastic, it is why I put it here constructive critisisms, anything, at all, I would appreiciate it, this is C4C of course.

The World above, look how it dances,
The clouds roll in grey and white,
Clicking in time.
Am I really awake?
Still dancing to my own mechanical heartbeat?

took me a while to figure out what you were getting at with this one. i like the link between nature and machine. the third line seems a bit incomplete, its a bit unclear as to what is clicking haha

Am I real?
Teetering on the edge of sanity,
Between the blanket and the bedsheet,
My head, too soft for a hard place.

i enjoyed this stanza in particular, but the second line and the third needs retouching. sanity seems rather intense for this piece, and head seems out of place with the idea you are going for

Waltzing to what seems to be my own metronome,
Stepping to the click and the clack, the gears ever turning.
The world never stirring to my eb and flow, my folly, my downfall.

a strange stanza, i didnt enjoy the choice of click clack - perhaps onoematopaeia is uncalled for? the third line is great, but the first needs work.


As I said C4C, any critisisms would be awesome, cheers


Sweet! It sounds like a great piece, perhaps could use more stanzas to describe the persona's background in particular, but besides that it's good
#4
crisisinheaven, cheers for the crit, and with what you've said, lets hope I can fix this up a bit ha ha, you were pretty much dead on with what you said, with the incomplete lines and what not, and the clicking, its like the clicking (more a thud.. I dunno) that gears make when the run along each other.

and to BluePaintCult... cheers
#5
I really liked this one. I like the way you used the words. Especially in the last paragraph.

"my ebb and flow, my folly, my downfall"- This is my favorite line, well written. This is a nice piece, keep it up. C4C-last link in my sig. would be great! Thanks