#1
Don't be cruel, I know it isn't a supersong.

Verse1:

I'm sitting right here next to you
listening to you//
As you soing that lovely song
sing me your song//
No wonder why I love you so
I love you so//
Look into your glistening eyes
You know I love you//

Verse2:

Knocking on your wooden door
the man of dispair//
Turning dream to nightmare
A nightmare awake//
Just because your lovely voice
my life will turn grey//
Taking you away from me
so far away//

Chorus:

I heard your song on the radio//
I saw your face in a magazine//
but when I wake up I realize//
that all I want is you//
but love is for dreamers//

Verse3:

Buying tickets to your gig
I must talk with you//
Expensive with the backstagepass
how priceless are you//
And when we finally met again
I've become unknown//
Please do not forget me
but you've already did//

Chorus:

I heard your song on the radio//
I saw your face in a magazine//
but when I wake up I realize//
that all I want is you//
but love is for dreamers//

Verse4:

I'm sitting right here next to none
listening to none//
As a light approaches me
a second light//
She/he* smiled and shared her/his* heat with me
a new ember lit//
Erasing me, erasing you
I have to move on//

Chorus:

I heard your song on the radio//
I saw your face in a magazine//
and when I wake up I realize//
that I don't need you more//
I love someone else now//

<end>

What's good/what's bad

* depending on who's singing (male/female)


You can teach anyone to play fast, but you gotta have soul.
-Zakk Wylde


My set:
Gibson SG Faded Cherry
Peavy Rage 158
Boss DS-1 Distortion
Last edited by benno11 at Jun 27, 2009,
#2
I'm finding it difficult constructively critique your work. I like it, it's just difficult for me to critique. The 4th line of the 3rd verse would sound better if you changed "but" to something like
"how". I also like the chorus. Sorry if that wasn't what you wanted but i tried. Thanks for the crit
#3
Anythings good to me! The only critiques I've got so far is from my bandmates and my GF and I don't think they dare to be honest


You can teach anyone to play fast, but you gotta have soul.
-Zakk Wylde


My set:
Gibson SG Faded Cherry
Peavy Rage 158
Boss DS-1 Distortion
#4
This song is really good. The only thing I don't like is 4th verse. It doesn't flow that well no matter which gender you choose to fill in there. other than that, great job and keep writing!
My gear:


Dean Dimebag Dixie Rebel Razorback
Ibanez RG220B
Laney HCM60R Amp
Digitech Black 13 Scott Ian Sig Pedal
Morley Classic Wah
#5
Eh. To be honest, nothing truly managed to grab my attention as distinct from most of the other love songs out there today. Not much clever language or interesting imagery. Sure, it's alright, but it's not that memorable. The only line I'll remember is:

Expensive with the backstagepass
how priceless are you//


I also found it hard to read at times, just because of the weird format - I'm sure it sounds good as a song, but it's rather complex to think about it in my head.

Overall, this just came across as a fanboy stalker of a poppy girl musician writing a somewhat mediocre love song in devotion to her.