#1
fish sticks.

Try telling the thousands
all around the world
that 'I have a dream' wouldn't be
a poetic symphony
if the sounds of the vowels didn't drop
on each second syllable
and take the proverbial step-back
letting the concept take the forefront
of the phrase

Try telling the ex-slave traders
that that single wave of thought
skipping silently
into the mind of their society
wasn't scary
because it lacked a bastard 'b'
to blacken the occasion

And try telling me this
without a hint of poetic integrity-
no assonance with i's and e's intertwining
on the page
and the writer stepping back surprised
at the shocking twists of phrase,
the form and rhyme within the lines
that connotate and connotate

Or give me a just phrase
of nonsense poetry
that is beautiful purely
because of the writers sonical
and lyrical ability
skipping between the Tumtum trees
with no cognitive responsibility.

Please, just give me language,
a tool to connect minds.
Allow the words to breathe
and you might find
within them, a dream
of truth and rhyme combined.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#2
Very beautiful poem. I like the concepts you've addressed. It seems to me that the point you are trying to make is that the world (society) is quite attached to what the media blasts into their ears at volumes cranked to 11. Many people refuse to believe anything other than what they have been brainwashed into believing since birth, and will defend that "knowledge" without really having a clue as to why they are doing so. Love the free thinking here, hope to see more from you!
#3
I think you know how good this is, Katherine. You've kept the emphasis on sonics, wordplay, flow and rhyme, wih out losing a sense of context, and that's pretty impressive. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.
#4
Try telling the thousands
all around the world
that 'I have a dream' wouldn't be
a poetic symphony
if the sounds of the vowels didn't drop
on each second syllable
When you say "drop", do you mean end?
and take the proverbial step-back
letting the concept take the forefront
of the phrase

Try telling the ex-slave traders
that that single wave of thought
skipping silently
into the mind of their society
wasn't scary
because it lacked a bastard 'b'
to blacken the occasion

And try telling me this
without a hint of poetic integrity-
no assonance with i's and e's intertwining
on the page
and the writer stepping back surprised
at the shocking twists of phrase,
the form and rhyme within the lines
that connotate and connotate

Or give me a just phrase
of nonsense poetry
that is beautiful purely
because of the writers sonical
and lyrical ability
skipping between the Tumtum trees
with no cognitive responsibility.
This is gorgeous.

Please, just give me language,
a tool to connect minds.
Allow the words to breathe
and you might find
within them, a dream
of truth and rhyme combined.
Fairy-tale-esque.

You're such an good fucking writer.


I like fish-sticks.
#5
Quote by DigUpHerBones
fish sticks.

Try telling the thousands
all around the world
that 'I have a dream' wouldn't be
a poetic symphony
if the sounds of the vowels didn't drop
on each second syllable
and take the proverbial step-back
letting the concept take the forefront
of the phrase

I didn't like the last three lines. It took the stanza and the idea a litttle to far for my taste, though the writing is beautiful.

Try telling the ex-slave traders
that that single wave of thought
skipping silently
into the mind of their society
wasn't scary
because it lacked a bastard 'b'
to blacken the occasion

Great. I'm sure it was intentional, but some may not like the "that that." It could easily be "that the" but it may not be what you want.

And try telling me this
without a hint of poetic integrity-
no assonance with i's and e's intertwining
on the page
and the writer stepping back surprised
at the shocking twists of phrase,
the form and rhyme within the lines
that connotate and connotate

This is great. But reading it, I find I am not sure what you are suggesting the reader "try telling you"

Or give me a just phrase
of nonsense poetry
that is beautiful purely
because of the writers sonical
and lyrical ability
skipping between the Tumtum trees
with no cognitive responsibility.

Please, just give me language,
a tool to connect minds.
Allow the words to breathe
and you might find
within them, a dream
of truth and rhyme combined.
These two stanzas were perfect


Great job.
#6
This kicked ass. It made me sit and think about more than just the poem itself, which is probably one of the best compliments I can give. Thanks for the inspiration.
#7
clever, if not a bit gimmicky. your use of language and poetic devices is lovely, but i doubt this will have much resonance beyond the small grin it gave me upon reading it. still a well-written and clever little piece though. nice job.
#8
Quote by rush4life
This kicked ass. It made me sit and think about more than just the poem itself, which is probably one of the best compliments I can give. Thanks for the inspiration.


yep.
you seemed so sure of yourself with this... which amazes me because it was such a bold piece to write. one of my favourites of yours for sure.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#10
Quote by DigUpHerBones
fish sticks.

Try telling the thousands
all around the world
that 'I have a dream' wouldn't be
a poetic symphony
if the sounds of the vowels didn't drop
on each second syllable
and take the proverbial step-back
letting the concept take the forefront
of the phrase

This was awesome, no better way of putting it. The idea was simply engaging and had such a relevance that I simply couldn't say no about reading on. Technically, this really needed to be punctuated to enhance the internal flow within this stanza. Apart else this was a 'well done' by me.

Try telling the ex-slave traders
that that single wave of thought
skipping silently
into the mind of their society
wasn't scary
because it lacked a bastard 'b'
to blacken the occasion

I'm not sure about the purpose of the "'b'" that hangs on the foot of this stanza but I must say, the momentum you created from the first two stanzas is astounishing!


And try telling me this
without a hint of poetic integrity-
no assonance with i's and e's intertwining
on the page
and the writer stepping back surprised
at the shocking twists of phrase,
the form and rhyme within the lines
that connotate and connotate

The line breaks didn't work to greatly here which is probably due to the overall context of the stanza. Maybe you should try a bit of rearranging here.

Or give me a just phrase
of nonsense poetry
that is beautiful purely
because of the writer's sonical
and lyrical ability
skipping between the Tumtum trees
with no cognitive responsibility.

Again, the line breaks are not working here.

Please, just give me language,
a tool to connect minds.
Allow the words to breathe
and you might find
within them, a dream
of truth and rhyme combined.

Great, I must say.


This was truly a beautiful piece, Katherine. I enjoyed this. Keep writing poetry, my dear.

PS: PLEASE A quick comment on 'Concordant'? Here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1151671
#12
It's put together amazingly well
Beautiful rhymes and flow
with context to match, too
But it's one of those poems that I read once and go "That's amazing", read again and go "Now it makes even more sense", then read a third time and go "Okay, I've seen all this has to offer" and will probably never look at again
If you wouldn't mind stomping on Shuffle in my sig, I'd <3 you forever
#13
Thank you, guys. I think I rather like this piece. I like the stronger voicing.
Dorkus: the 'tell me' is about what's in the stanza before; 'try telling...', 'tell me this...'
Dan: 'drop' means like 'dropped on', like it fell on that syllable etc.
Greyeyedfire: to be honest, this is meant as a straight forward direction that you can take whatever you want from, so I'm quite happy that you've seen it's had something to offer. Thank you
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!