#1
Ok so i write songs on guitar and piano usually (and drums, bass, etc.) so i decided to start writing lyrics, so i just wrote down what came out of my head and here is what i got

I am looking for some feedback on this so far and some tips on song writing in general, also keep in mind this is my first time ever writing a song so don't be too harsh, unless you really feel the need to And as you can see it's not done, yet....

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INTRO 7x then Drum Fill
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INTRO I
Babe, i love that twinkle in your eyes
The glimmer of joy and that beautiful brown
look up, to the sky
And stop, looking down (carry the word down)

Now i hate to see you this sad
Don't be mad...
Someday it'll all be better
Just you and me, at last, together...

So dont you see?
I love you
That's all we need
Now what shall we do?

Can i take your hand?
Carry you across this land?
Give you a kiss and...
Roll in the sand? (say sand like saaaAAaaAAnnnd)
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CHORUS
Baby, baby i love you (carry the u)
Baby, baby i love you " "
Now you tell me what, shall, we do, oo oo (raise and lower pich when saying the last 2 lines)
I don't care what we do, all i need is, you....
REPEAT LAST 2 LINES 3x
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Guitar riff (finger picking)
#2
Babe, i love that twinkle in your eyes
The glimmer of joy and that beautiful brown Seems a little long, it messes with the flow
look up, to the sky
And stop, looking down (carry the word down)

Now i hate to see you this sad
Don't be mad... This line needs something more
Someday it'll all be better
Just you and me, at last, together... I like this line and the previous

So dont you see?
I love you
That's all we need
Now what shall we do? Maybe take out the word "Now", just a thought
Can i take your hand?
Carry you across this land?
Give you a kiss and...
Roll in the sand? (say sand like saaaAAaaAAnnnd)
----------------------------------------------
CHORUS
Baby, baby i love you (carry the u)
Baby, baby i love you " "
Now you tell me what, shall, we do, oo oo (raise and lower pich when saying the last 2 lines)
I don't care what we do, all i need is, you....
REPEAT LAST 2 LINES 3x

For your first time writing it wasn't bad. Let me just tell you something though. Next time posting ONLY put the name of the song in the thread title not "please crit." or "feedback please". It's against the rules.
Now back to your song. Like I said fairly good for a first song. The chorus seemed a bit cliche and kinda cheesy but okay. I'd appreciate if you could critique my work too. Any link in my signature will be fine. Thanks, and keep writing.
#3
Can you please delete this and re-post it with the proper title. Just read the rules before you do that to see what I mean.

#5
that second last line in the chorus... if this is intended to me metal'd up would sound awesome if its screamed