#1
The long hubris of humanity and history slowly slaughtered by
poverty in each man and woman
-each a Greek for the shame of all we have slimed on ourselves
-stretches across to blur the 4th dimensional soul.
Achilles threads leather through the ankles
of nakeddead Hector
Midias punches Demonsthenes in the face
Oedipus kills in his rage.
Creon stews in his unburied
Odysseus is so far from home

Prophecies fulfilled.
The homeless spy it all: the death
of everything.
It is wrinkled to their clothes and etched
into their faces.
Their boredom and humility drags to its knees
and slits the throat of pride and gratification
just for fun.

The homeless here don't get along with
the hobos there.
Is it so complex?
Different time to kill
the same old vanity
that put them on the streets.
Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Jun 27, 2009,
#2
This is a very fascinating way of looking at homelessness and humans general lack of humility.

The long hubris of humanity and history slowly slaughterd by
poverty in each man and woman
Isn't it spent “slaughtered”? With two e's?
I'm not overly keen on the flow of this. The alliteration seems a little chunky to me. Possibly a little clumsy. And the word “hubris” has never been a personal word that I would chose over another. I see it's relation due to it's Greek origins, but I just can't help but think of humus when reading it. That's childish, I understand that, but I can't avoid how my mind wanders.
The line-break after “by” could be potentially altered, just to see if it flows more fluidly and more relaxed.
The rhyme between “history” and “poverty” was effortless and perfect.
I don't actually think I like the word “slaughtered” here, but I'm not sure why that is the case.

-each a Greek for the shame of all we have slimed on ourselves
This has a very odd movement to it, and the words don't see to lock in very well. I feel this piece already needs to relax a teensy-weensy bit. It seems like it's trying to take too much on.
-stretches across to blur the 4th dimensional soul.
It's going to take me a while to see where the relation of this comes in.

Achilles threads leather through the ankles
of nakeddead Hector
Midias punches Demonsthenes in the face
Oedipus kills in his rage.
Creon stews in his unburied
Odysseus is so far from home
I love the humour in this. It's not quite pure masochism, and it's not quite blatant humour, which is why I think it's the joy of this piece. How the characters relate back to present-day homelessness and poverty is ever so clever... like you're trying to say that the Greeks were just as pathetic as we are today. Many people thank the Romans and the Greeks for all our intuitiveness and progress, but really, they were just as lost as we are.

Prophecies fulfilled.
The homeless spy it all: the death
of everything.
It is wrinkled to their clothes and etched
into their faces.
Their boredom and humility drags to its knees
and slits the throat of pride and gratification
just for fun.
It takes on a little more darker edge here. Once again, the line-breaks laid a clumsy tone to it - almost childish - maybe that's purposeful: to relate back to the pride... although children are the opposite to pride: they are innocent and humble. Meh.

The homeless here don't get along with
the hobos there.
Is it so complex?
Different time to kill
the same old vanity
that put them on the streets.
Maybe remove the break at the end; it feels a little pointless, like you're breaking it just because you were doing it previously.
A perfect ending in terms of words choices and theme progression.


You started off kind of oddly. it then became humorous and sadistic. then it moved into a darker place. then returned to the humour.
Apart from the odd clumsy and diffident moments, this was a fully engaging and an exciting read.
#3
Thanks for all that.

And I can't believe I didn't catch the misspelled slaughtered. I work in notepad because the formatting on Word is a bitch, but it doesn't have the spell check thing to let me know where all my typos are.
Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Jun 27, 2009,