#1
This is one of my current band's (Severlock) songs. It's pretty lyrically short, but all the lyrics pretty much go with the music as you'll see here: www.myspace.com/severlock
And, no, I am not the vocalist or the person who wrote the song, so I have no clue what the chorus means. Please critique if you feel you have to.

Severlock - F*** Off


F*** Off (repeated x4)

(Verse 1)
As he falls on desiccated ground
Scorches the earth as this turns his life around
He hears a scream and he knows what he has found
A flaming image reversed back into sound
There's a war song stuck in his head
He hears the pain as he walks among the dead

(Chorus)
F*** Off (Repeated x3)

(Verse 2)
Pain
Venom
Raged
Sinner
So close
Erasing it by day
You run away
Suffer
Directing you for days
Well away from time
You look down
And finally answer me
A final day
Away

(Bridge)
Today is my day
So you all must pay
Bring it to me
This time is our time
Time for us to shine
Let break your face
So pay what you owe
And please dont be slow
Know where you stay
Dont kill me

(Chorus x4)

(Breakdown)
Break down
Inside
Your fate
Is why
This time
Saved me
Creeping time
Saved me
Creeping

(Continuation of breakdown)
Follow
Inside
Now the genocide
Is on my mind
Broken

(Bridge)

(Chorus)
Last edited by xXYoung.BloodXx at Jun 27, 2009,
#2
swearing in songs just points out your immaturity. look at king diamonds 'broken spell' and (mercyful fate's) 'nuns have no fun' in the first one he says bitch at the end, and it sounds so powerful and hateful, because it is so unexpected in his songs. in nuns have no fun, he repeatedly says **** and i wouldn't care if my parents heard me playing it to a 4 year old.

"The mind is its own place, and in itself

Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n"

- John Milton, Paradise Lost
#4
Someone's maybe a little angry? I guess, with a title like that anyway...

I liked the song, it'd be a good instrumental, or with different lyrics. But the and lyrics just kill it for me. Angry songs work well if done right (Deathcar by Fightstar is a great example).

But anyway, no. Write new lyrics. These are just immature really, like the other guy said.
I deeply regret the 6661 in my username. Siiiigh. Damn you, 14 year old me, you edgy little bastard.
#6
Wow, I didn't think that most people on here would take to some point of hatred in a song, even to an extreme like this song, so negatively. Or think that cursing so much in a song would be so immature (even one word repeated), when such songs have made some bands big successes.

and twasbrilling:
"no just simply no"

I said critique, not put my band down for one piece that you dont like. Please dont post comments like that.

*Edit*

And if you can, try not to compare us to bands with huge success. We've only been together for a year, and for some reason, none of us are musically connected. And it takes a while to write a good song. And we've performed with GWAR and Otep, so I'd say our "immature" angry songs get us somewhere.
Last edited by xXYoung.BloodXx at Jun 27, 2009,
#7
Quote by xXYoung.BloodXx
*moaning about people who didn't like his song*


I don't want to sound like an ass when I say this, but, hasn't this thread made you realise anything?

You put a piece up for critique, no one here really likes it, in fairness, no one really went into depth with the lyrics and such, but with a song titled '**** off', it dosen't instantly give the impression that there is alot of depth and thought gone into the song.
Take that as critique. Work on your lyrics, try and make them more deep rather than just **** OFF **** OFF **** OFF, I know 9 year olds who could write that crap.

As for the bands you've played with, well done, I suppose, the bands aren't really my cup of tea if I'm honest. But that dosen't at all mean you're amazing lyricists, or a professional band/songwriter, alot of support bands I've seen at shows have been utter crap.
I'm not saying you guys are crap or whatever (The music as I said was very good, the lyrics just annoyed me), I've not seen you live, just bear it in mind next time you start moaning at people who don't like your work.
I deeply regret the 6661 in my username. Siiiigh. Damn you, 14 year old me, you edgy little bastard.
#8
It's not that swearing is immature, sometimes it can work. But just saying **** Off?Come on mate, it doesn't even have a lot to do with the song.
Imagine somone writing a song about an Epic battle and then just saying Pissflaps for no reason a couple of times.

But some of it was okay mate, definatly a starting point.

Quote by Karl Pilkington
Jellyfish are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful."
#9
Quote by Carl6661
I don't want to sound like an ass when I say this, but, hasn't this thread made you realise anything?

You put a piece up for critique, no one here really likes it, in fairness, no one really went into depth with the lyrics and such, but with a song titled '**** off', it dosen't instantly give the impression that there is alot of depth and thought gone into the song.
Take that as critique. Work on your lyrics, try and make them more deep rather than just **** OFF **** OFF **** OFF, I know 9 year olds who could write that crap.

As for the bands you've played with, well done, I suppose, the bands aren't really my cup of tea if I'm honest. But that dosen't at all mean you're amazing lyricists, or a professional band/songwriter, alot of support bands I've seen at shows have been utter crap.
I'm not saying you guys are crap or whatever (The music as I said was very good, the lyrics just annoyed me), I've not seen you live, just bear it in mind next time you start moaning at people who don't like your work.



It wasnt that I was "moaning about people not like my song". It's just, NOBODY critiqued the SONG, only the CHORUS. I said critique the song, not just the bad parts of the song. Nobody said anything about the verses, or the bridge, breakdown, etc. Everyone just said that the chorus should just be better than "F*** Off" And that It's immature because there's a curse word in it. Would they all feel better if we renamed the song and replaced f*** with teddy bear?
#10
Quote by xXYoung.BloodXx
It wasnt that I was "moaning about people not like my song". It's just, NOBODY critiqued the SONG, only the CHORUS. I said critique the song, not just the bad parts of the song. Nobody said anything about the verses, or the bridge, breakdown, etc. Everyone just said that the chorus should just be better than "F*** Off" And that It's immature because there's a curse word in it. Would they all feel better if we renamed the song and replaced f*** with teddy bear?



The meaning of critique is to make critical comments of a piece, therefore, people will immediately find the bad points of a set of lyrics. This isn't a place for compliments because they're just not helpful if the lyrics aren't perfect, which is why you posted them I assume. Either that or you're just advertising your band and found a loophole in the rules.

What I will say is I agree with the chorus not being overtly brilliant or witty, but if it was rewritten and the rest of the verses were stylistically matched with the first verse, you'd have a far better song. Those are my two cents. Spend them wisely.
#11
Quote by xXYoung.BloodXx
Would they all feel better if we renamed the song and replaced f*** with teddy bear?


The answer to that is yes.