#1
These are some new lyrics that are definitely still a work-in-progress so any thoughts/constructive criticisms would be appreciated. And of course, I'll critique yours if you leave me a link.


Trans-Continental Mack Truck

do you remember when the snow fell on the city
and how it hasn't stopped since?
how people would catch flakes on their tongues
and how their minds savored the experience?

sooner rather than later the black angel came
to dance in this city of white
the tenement shacks and the east end alleys
were the dirty dancehalls every night

and the higher and higher these dunes rise
the wider this chasm gets
i still remember when the snow came down
and how it hasn't stopped since


CHORUS:
the people look to the sky as the snow blinds their eyes
you know they've been shivering for years
engulfed in a storm of arid delusion
that some day this wayward sun will reappear


do you remember when the snow fell on the city
or is it something you choose to ignore?
the powdered pain may seem so faraway
but it's sleeping right outside your door

i am ready to make this angel fade
like a shadow into the dark
but it seems to me it's nothing i can control
so under heaven I stand with outstretched arms
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Jun 28, 2009,
#2
i think it's pretty good.
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Quote by Philip_pepper

Be sure to be able to recite at least one Shakespeare quote before and after each song.

Out loud, or in your head, it's up to you.
#3
I liked this
I think the rhyming was particularly well done
A few parts see the rhythm snag a bit, and there's some awkward wording here and there, but nothing too bad

Now, for the real meat of this crit. It's hard to tell what the point of this is. Are you talking about the poor getting ripped off ? Is this about sinful people getting their way ? Getting punished ?
"White snow" and "Black Angel" are interesting metaphors, but I think you could have done so much more with them. It's just too vague, and it's hard to see what you want me to. Reading this, I get the feeling that you had a goal in mind when you wrote this, and although this wasn't half bad, I feel like you haven't accomplished your goal.
What is it you were trying to express ? It's there, it's just hiding in the words.

If you like, Shuffle in my sig is pretty new
#4
Thanks for the criticism, I really appreciate it. My one worry after writing this was that it might be too vague. I was using "snow" was a metaphor for drugs, specifically cocaine, and "black angel" as a metaphor for death.

I was basically trying to express that drug/cocaine usage threatens to divide people and that they can be divided in many ways. It could be by race, where some white people use the crack fiend as a way to negatively stereotype black people. It could also be between family members, where if a person in a family uses, it has the potential to split a family, a marriage, etc. Or it could be in the sense of life and death as drugs have the potential to divide families if one person overdoses. Or, lastly, it could be in the sense of reality and fantasy, as drugs can make a person physically remain in reality but mentally send them off into fantasy. I was hoping to be as vague as possible so as to leave it open to interpretation but I may have missed the mark.

Whether I expressed that clearly or not, that was what I was trying to get at. I'll definitely try to rework it to make it a little more accessible but give it that openness that I initially desired. Thanks again.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Jun 28, 2009,
#5
I liked the ways you used the metaphors. Was the Mac Truck the "trafficking" of the drugs?
I think that after the chorus, the song became a little weaker than the beginning. So if you were to do anything on this, i would maybe look at that to alter a bit. I liked this piece, i don't know if i'd be able to figure it out if you hadn't told us but that was your intention. Good work!
C4C-any in sig would be great
#6
Thanks for the advice. I'll try to make it less cryptic since you weren't able to figure it out either. And the Mack Truck reference came from a quote by Senator Charles Shumer when he was describing the crack boom of the 80s. In so many words, he said it hit America's cities like a Mack Truck. I liked how it sounded so I decided to use it as a working title.
here, My Dear, here it is