#1
Just cooked this up, thought I'd share

Rolling over and over in the currents of the wind
spiraling ever upward, the leaves all take turns
picking partners for their dance in the air
Tumbling into each others' grasp and out of gravity's hold

Sprung from the earth under a boy's foot
An artist with no fear and no love for himself
He's terrified now as his art comes alive
Diving forward with his arms pressed ahead
So scared, he even prays as he cuts through the air

His arms get there first and clamp over her ears
Bodies twist in midair
He pulls himself in front of her, and pulls her into him
Without thinking, she tucks into a ball and buries herself in his chest
He leans forward to give a kiss to her head
There's no reason to be afraid now

Before they have time to plant their feet
the bomb goes off
A new sun rises, and a wave of heat flows forth
He curls around her and prepares to bear the weight of the world on his back

She wakes up alone
Just in time to watch the leaves fall
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Jun 29, 2009,
#2
I enjoyed this. How I interpreted it may be entirely different than what you intended it to be about but I'll tell you anyway. I kinda read it like a scientist who has mixed two chemicals that he shouldn't have mixed. Then, in slow motion, I imagine him diving towards his girl to protect her from the explosion. Serving as her shield, he is exposed to the blast and dies as a result. That was my literal interpretation of it; as far as any implicit meaning from that, I'd have to think about it harder. Nevertheless, I'd like to hear what this is really about if I'm really far off. Great use of imagery in the first stanza.

Thanks for commenting mine, btw
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
I don't really have a backstory for this,
I just wrote it.
Just an image in my head I wanted to put on paper, and a writing technique I wanted to practice.
Any story you make up for it isn't right or wrong, it's just the story you saw.

Edit: I should mention, I did imagine this going in slow-mo, so I'm quite glad that you picked up on that.
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Jun 29, 2009,
#4
Hey, after reading (and loving) your other piece, I decided to give this one a try.

Rolling over and over in the currents of the wind
spiraling ever upward, the leaves all take turns
picking partners for their dance in the air
Tumbling into each others' grasp and out of gravity's hold
This stanza was a decent introduction, and I liked the imagery. The flow is just alright, however. Good work.

Sprung from the earth under a boy's foot
An artist with no fear and no love for himself
He's terrified now as his art comes alive
Diving forward with his arms pressed forward
So scared, he even prays as he cuts through the air
Gah. I like what you're trying to do here, but I really don't like the way you went about doing it. For starters, you repeat yourself. You say, "an artist with no fear" and then "his art comes alive." I'd like it more if you had, for example, "his WORK" instead. Also, you say "diving forward with his arms pressed forward," and that sounds HORRIBLE in my head. Use perhaps "stretched outward." You can't have forward twice in one line. The flow here was rather bad too, so I'm going to have to frown upon this stanza.

His arms get there first and clamp over her ears
Bodies twist in midair
He pulls himself in front of her, and pulls her into him
Without thinking, she tucks into a ball and buries herself in his chest
He leans forward to give a kiss to her head
There's no reason to be afraid now
This part has good imagery, like I've been saying...but it's far too literal. You're telling a story without making this poetry. The flow is still off to me.

Before they have time to plant their feet
the bomb goes off
A new sun rises, and a wave of heat flows forth
He curls around her and prepares to bear the weight of the world on his back
Same criticisms about the flow and non-poetic language. I thought about something nuclear here - as in with Terminator, where the bomb goes off and the children turn to dust, blowing away like leaves.

She wakes up alone
Just in time to watch the leaves fall
Decent ending, and I think I'm right about the nuclear bomb mentioned above.

Overall, the piece just didn't CLICK for me. There wasn't anything that hooked me in like last time, nothing that truly INTERESTED me. It's a cool idea that you have here - a great one in fact - but the writing is poor overall. Since I loved you last piece so much, it's probably in part due to the great expectations I had, but my opinion stands.

If you'd care to crit the piece in my signature...
#5
As far as this being "literal" and un-poetic,
that was sorta my intent.
This was really just a description, and I didn't care for it to flow or read well.
#6
I personally found the first verse to be the worst as it was actually poetic. I didn't quite grasp what you were trying to say as it felt distant from the rest of the poem. Maybe it was overly dream-like? I think you found a more acknowledgeable balance in the third verse and on onwards, but the first two meandered too far for comfort and were unapologetic - which contradicts your descriptive and "literal" method.

The second verse is a little better, yes, even though it's only introducing your "literal" writing style, but it still contains nothing of value or exciting character.

The rest was very nice writing. It developed quickly and with an interesting voice to it, too.
The latter half of the second-last verse and onwards helped the introductory poetical styling to make more sense and tied it back together. But that doesn't coincide with your aim, which made me feel you weren't really confident with this piece.
#8
All of the flow went at the start of

Bodies twist in midair
He pulls himself in front of her, and pulls her into him
Without thinking, she tucks into a ball and buries herself in his chest

and didn't really come back for me. I agree with Dylan, it wasn't as gripping as I felt it should have been. I enjoyed the idea. Sorry for taking so long for this.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
I agree with the punk guy about expectations. I was expecting something more after some other greyfire posts. But, I did not comment on this piece right away. I've come back and after reading a 3rd time and seeing others feelings about it, you know, it actually has a lot of power. The interesting thing is that I can see or imagine something different ever time. One time, a disaster killing the guy. The next, they two end up having sex (the dancing stanza), but the guy simply flees in the morning - afraid of commitment even though they were perfect for each other.

So, in that sense it has lots of intrigue and power. It definitely gets you thinking, and if the goal wasn't to force an outcome, job accomplished.

Punk does makes some good points about repeated words that could be easily fixed. Other than that, you are way past my league to try to critique your work. I look forward to more from you. (Great change of pace)

Edit:

(Deleted my previous comments. After read #6, I got it - finally. I was confusing myself for no reason. I guess there's something to say that it took 6 times. But, it got better and more clear each time. And, I like it enough to read it everytime I check in on this thread - so, that speaks volumes.)
Last edited by chall_99 at Jul 28, 2009,