#1
Enjoy this. Most of you have probably already seen it, but I need crits, and I haven't posted it here. Thrash it - it's gonna be on my album.


I'm sure that Spring is a source of content for someone
But for me it's just another chance to choke
On dinosaur heads that fill my lungs with water
Spluttering, eyes tearing up as I fall facefirst
On the slip'n'slide

And the trampoline in my friend's backyard is no better
It trips and tugs my feet and tosses me about
I tried to tell them that this one's against me too
Showing off rugburns, bruises, but they just laugh and say
"Life's too short to be
Blaming every last clutzy move
On something that doesn't even walk and talk."

I guess that I agree
We creatures that feel and breathe are much more worthy
Of that prestigious title - "Faulty."

The breeze rustles through my hair as I gaze
Let down by the macabre state of my surroundings
The grass is shivering, screaming hypothermia
Drenched in the piss of the livid clouds
And the flowers are flaunting their petals
While the weeds suck away at their roots

It's not like I don't understand
Why someone would prefer this season
It's just that I find it a cheap shoddy way
Of pushing back memoirs of winter's charm

As a hummingbird lands near the flowerbed outside my window
It happens to choose the violet iris, lost in lament
It wriggles in to suckle seed, to spread the cheer, oh irony
And for a split second I wish that just for a moment
The iris could enclose the bird, that it could protect the world
From suffering its own fate

It's only now at the end
That it becomes apparent
None of it was a joke to me.
#2
Quote by punkforlife93
Enjoy this. Most of you have probably already seen it, but I need crits, and I haven't posted it here. Thrash it - it's gonna be on my album.


I'm sure that Spring is a source of content for someone
But for me it's just another chance to choke
On dinosaur heads that fill my lungs with water
Spluttering, eyes tearing up as I fall facefirst
On the slip'n'slide[/COLOR}
Line break at the end here was a flow killer

And the trampoline in my friend's backyard is no better
It trips and tugs my feet and tosses me about
I tried to tell them that this one's against me too
Showing off rugburns, bruises, but they just laugh and say
"Life's too short to be
Blaming every last clutzy move
On something that doesn't even walk and talk."

This seems a bit scattered, and seemingly random line breaks aren't really helping

I guess that I agree
We creatures that feel and breathe are much more worthy
Of that prestigious title - "Faulty."

This stanza just took away from the piece,
it felt weak and unnecessary

The breeze rustles through my hair as I gaze
Let down by the macabre state of my surroundings
The grass is shivering, screaming hypothermia
Drenched in the piss of the livid clouds
And the flowers are flaunting their petals
While the weeds suck away at their roots

Good imagery here, but you just let it end at that
You could've really taken me for a ride with this, but I feel a bit let down at the end of this stanza. As if I was promised Six Flags, but instead I get Splashtown

It's not like I don't understand
Why someone would prefer this season
It's just that I find it a cheap shoddy way
Of pushing back memoirs of winter's charm

Again, this seems like a random thought that popped into your head.
It didn't really do anything for me, or really add to this.

As a hummingbird lands near the flowerbed outside my window
It happens to choose the violet iris, lost in lament
It wriggles in to suckle seed, to spread the cheer, oh irony
And for a split second I wish that just for a moment
The iris could enclose the bird, that it could protect the world
From suffering its own fate

It's pretty, but what does it all mean ?

It's only now at the end
That it becomes apparent
None of it was a joke to me.

What wasn't a joke ?

This seems a bit incomplete, to be honest. You use pretty language and nice imagery, but it's all over the place, and it doesn't really come together.
#3
I kind of read it through a child's perspective. Say 8 - 10, where thoughts would be randomly forming. Though this would be one deep kid to have such bitter thoughts.

Strange twist, to prefer the dead of winter over the life of summer. That iris you bring up has a worse fate come November than a hummingbird landing on it. But, I guess that's one way to look at things. If you are cynical or maybe Goth.

Greyfire had some good crits, but a bit strong for my opinion. Overall, it is a good piece and definitely has great potential. For a poem or story you may need to develop your thoughts a bit more to complete the intended picture. For a song, I don't see any flow that forms a melody, but that is hard to interpret in just words.

Actually, Greyfire, this kid (if I imagined that right) seems to be a great candidate for a guy who would end up in your poems. If he has such a bitter view of nature/life at 10, at 19, I could see him dosing himself on fire in Splinter, or blowing himself up in Shuffle.
Last edited by chall_99 at Jul 28, 2009,