#1
This is my first poem, it's more of a short story. It's quite obvious to what this is about. It's about the senseless acts of teenagers in our society today and how the world cares more about appearence than the actual person. There are some lines that hint to other topics but this is the main theme. I was pretty blunt in some parts but I really wanted people to understand. Most people should be able to relate to it. C4C

Even her mother was infected with excitement.
The disease had been spreading faster over the previous weeks.
She remembered her days as the high school slut and was ready to pass on the tradition to her daughter.
Naturally, the first thing she said to her was
"have you picked out your dress"?
Not "how was your day at school"?
After walking in the house, she went straight up stairs,
taking two steps at a time.
With a preoccupied mind she missed the bedroom door and ran right into the wall.
Cutting a gash in her cheek as cleanly as her shaven legs.
Attempts to hide the flaw failed because you can't apply modesty.
Devastated, she began to cry.
The makeup running down her face and forming a colorful puddle below her. Although she had perfect hair and a low cut dress,
she no longer had a complete persona. But in order to hide her most vulnerable attribute,
she put on a smile and walked down stairs.

The jock picked her up at eight with two girls already in the car.
You should have seen the look on her face!
She wouldn't have it any other way.

They arrived fashionably late and walked towards the punch bowl to grab a glass of teen sweat.
Like a flock of birds, the girls gathered round to gossip.
The guys just talked nervously, pretending they were deep in conversation,
but hoping they would be deep in something else by the end of the night.

The jock was both irritated and bored talking to his "friends".
Wandering around the gym, he searched for a mate.
Any girl would suffice.
He just had to dodge other students who were clustering around their egotistical classmates.
At the center of the group were several possible mates,
each with their own pleasurable asspects.
After staring into a pair of rather attractive eyes, he made his choice and said to her
"I'll be your superficial king if you'll be my tantrum queen".
How romantic, the perfect couple.

Several hours passed
and yet the angst ridden teenagers continued to dance to the beat of pain. The night started to wind down when the king and queen anounced that they were leaving.
At that moment, even the stoner knew he was less ****ed up than them.
When those that remained at the dance heard the sounds of dozens of motors filling the night air,
it left an unsettling feeling in everyones stomach.
The music stopped.
They stopped dancing.
Everyone was utterly silent.
How could it have come to this?
Last edited by muel333 at Jun 29, 2009,
#3
Nice. Reminds me of random rants I come up with in my mind during the day for everything. I should make poems. And good work. I like that view on teen culture.
#4
I hate this poem. Not because it isn't well written, but because it's so damn cliche. Everyone always looks at this dark side of teenage life, even though there is so much more to it than sex and drugs.

When I went to prom, I went with my girlfriend of 5 years. My best friend went with his girlfriend of 2 years. Afterward we went over to his house and watched movies and talked all night. No sluts, no alcohol, no pain or shame or anger.

It was the only task I would undertake...

I P R O G
...to reap the harvest that was mine


- [ P R O G - H E A D ? ] -
#5
I know I gave a very stereotypical view of "teen culture" but it is true. You have to be the person everyone likes to succeed in life. You have to be the popular one. Whether you like it or not, the way you succeed is by knowing people. One reason you have a more positive view on "teen culture" is because you were probably one of those people. I find it quite disturbing that some people care about how their dress looks or what gossip is being spread than another person. Don't deny it, we've all done it before, some more than others. I just find the thought process of teens to be rather amusing and in that same respect, extremely troubling. These are the people who will one day run our world. Just a couple months ago, a kid that went to a nearby high school to where I live commited suicide because of something stupid- he had been being picked on his whole life. Here is a good kid who felt that the world was against him because these monsters were beating him up every day. Nobody did anything about it. Your lucky if you live in a place where you see nothing that i've described in this story. That's great. But now you are aware of what happens in real life. You'll realize sometime.

The prom setting was a metaphor for life. Knowing that, things make a little more sense.
If I made you angry enough or worked up enough to comment, then i've done my job. At least you noticed it. Thanks for the critique, I think it's such a broad topic that it's not cliche but thanks anyway
Last edited by muel333 at Jun 29, 2009,
#6
I did enjoy this piece because of the subject matter and the delivery of that subject. I do agree that there is a prevalent state of mind among teenagers that appearance/popularity outweigh morals or personal values. That doesn't mean every teenager behaves like this, but I've known many who do. However, I also agree that this theme is not exclusive to teenagers but to society in general. It seems more and more apparent that society is shifting to valuing superficial qualities instead of personal qualities. So I commend you for addressing such an important topic in my opinion.

However, there were some places with which I had a problem with. There were moments where I felt like you laid it on too thick. For example, having the jock pull up with two other girls to pick up his date sounds almost absurd and out-of-place. So things like this I feel detracted from the piece.

That being said, I felt there were a lot of great lines that outweighed the not-so-good ones. My favorites were the "applying modesty" and the whole slut-family tradition lines. Great stuff there in my opinion.

So overall I thought it was very well-written.

Thanks for commenting mine, btw
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
Thanks. I agree, some parts are weak. Those are the parts where i want to keep the message the same but expand on how it's written. The line about the jock picking up the girl was supposed to be like him having multiple relationships at the same time and all of them being okay with it. Maybe also symbolizing multiple personalities (kind, mean, etc.). I'm glad you understand it and thanks again for the comment!
#8
I liked this a hell of a lot. I'm going to save it to read it later. It's awesome mate. Keep going with your writing.


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
#9
I don't think the introduction is necessary. It says too much when the piece itself is already too blunt. Let it breathe a little.


Even her mother was infected with excitement.
The disease had been spreading faster over the previous weeks.
I didn't like the word "previous" here. It was ugly for this context and felt conversational.

She remembered her days as the high school slut and was ready to pass on the tradition to her daughter.
Woman are not proud to be sluts. When a woman is a slut, it is generally because they do not realise that they are that way, or because other people have given them that name - which is what this is doing. They certainly do not want their child to further their actions by copying them. You really are assuming the absolute worst from people here and it's not very realistic, in any sense of the word. This is almost fairy-tale-like.
Naturally, the first thing she said to her was
"have you picked out your dress"?
What is wrong with that question? You say it so derogatorily, yet many families are loving, caring and proud to see their kids pick out the dresses for their prom. I'm not into that kind of thing, personally, but I know a lot of families who are, and I respect that. You clearly don't.
Not "how was your day at school"?
Now this is a question that has often brought about arguments in my household. The real situation is that when someone asks that question, it may be through genuine concern, but that child/teenager/husband could well of had a rough day and does not want to see a ridiculous smile on his wifes face because she's had a wonderful day picking flowers out for her daughers bookay, while he has had a shit one. Sometimes people want to be left alone. And giving that space can alleviate problems. Allowing a family to breathe is important. You could of mentioned that.
After walking in the house, she went straight up stairs,
taking two steps at a time.
With a preoccupied mind she missed the bedroom door and ran right into the wall.
What kind of retarded family is this? Seriously, wtf is going on? A woman who encourages slutiness, and a daughter who runs into walls. This is not the reality I've lived in for 20 years. I was in a mental home for 3 of those weeks, and I only saw a few people doing that.
Cutting a gash in her cheek as cleanly as her shaven legs.
"as cleanly as her shaven legs" was absolutely unnecessary. It made me angry. There was no point adding it, apart from the fact that you wanted to seem intellectual by throwing in a simile.
Attempts to hide the flaw failed because you can't apply modesty.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Devastated, she began to cry.
The makeup running down her face and forming a colorful puddle below her. Although she had perfect hair and a low cut dress,
Oh, you've lost it again.
she no longer had a complete persona. But in order to hide her most vulnerable attribute,
she put on a smile and walked down stairs.
I don't like the line-break, and I hate the situation. I certainly hate it in the 'i love this because it's so hatefully real' sense... I mean I hate it because it's poor writing. It's pretentious, assuming and derivative.

The jock picked her up at eight with two girls already in the car.
You should have seen the look on her face!
She wouldn't have it any other way.
"the jock"... an awful way to bring in a character. How can I believe that this character is a "jock" just because you said he was? So far I don't believe or understand anything you've written; you've given me nothing that is concrete, real or even totally fairy-tale-like; you've chosen this middle ground between retardation and fallibleness. So all I can see is that you are judging and unfair as a writer.

They arrived fashionably late and walked towards the punch bowl to grab a glass of teen sweat.
I enjoyed "teen sweat". Once again, there was no point throwing in "fashionably late" - it makes you look like such an arrogant cock.
Like a flock of birds, the girls gathered round to gossip.
This was a bland analogy that had no grounding with the rest of the piece and added nothing but a sterile image of the sky, totally contrasting the dirty image you are trying to create.
The guys just talked nervously, pretending they were deep in conversation,
but hoping they would be deep in something else by the end of the night.
This is cringe-worthy.

The jock was both irritated and bored talking to his "friends".
Wandering around the gym, he searched for a mate.
Any girl would suffice.
He just had to dodge other students who were clustering around their egotistical classmates.
When you call someone "egotistical" in poetry or prose (which this seems to be) you instantly give yourself an image; an image of someone who is either trying to make a point by being truly arrogant - for the sake of it - or is so ignorant that their arrogance goes amiss only to themselves.
At the centre of the group were several possible mates,
each with their own pleasurable asspects.
After staring into a pair of rather attractive eyes, he made his choice and said to her
"I'll be your superficial king if you'll be my tantrum queen".
How romantic, the perfect couple.
Ugh.

Several hours passed
and yet the angst ridden teenagers continued to dance to the beat of pain. The night started to wind down when the king and queen anounced that they were leaving.
"dance to the beat of pain" was lovely.

At that moment, even the stoner knew he was less ****ed up than them.
"the stoner"... come on, mate.
When those that remained at the dance heard the sounds of dozens of motors filling the night air,
it left an unsettling feeling in everyones stomach.
The music stopped.
They stopped dancing.
Everyone was utterly silent.
How could it have come to this?
This was actually not too anticlimactic. I suppose it wasn't really building to anything, so it had nowhere to go but finish.



I'm sorry to have to say this, but your tone was so amiss and so arrogant that I couldn't enjoy any of it, apart from three lines.
Thanks very much for getting to mine. Don't give up, btw. I'm harsh because I love you.
#10
Did you read any of the comments i made to try and explain this? It IS NOT supposed to be read litteraly! It is all symbolic in some way. Obviously no girl wants to be a slut- but it's meant to be a symbol for the "over sexed" America. Nobody encourages people to be sluts? I disagree with that. If they didn't want their daughters to be sluts (or people in general) then why do stores sell the revealing clothes that they do? Because it sells. Don't get me wrong, those kinda clothes are great, but definately speak for themselves sometimes. Like i said, this was meant to be stereotypical so don't tell me what I already made clear. I am arrogant- I needed to be. You are reading this like it is only a story even though it's much more than that. It is a message hiding behind a story. The reason i chose a high school setting to convey this message is because this is where I feel the corruption of moralls and everyday modesty to be the the worst. Plus I can relate to both the story and the message which i'm sure many others can. I appreciate you taking the time to comment but I find it hard to except criticism from someone who clearly has no idea what they are talking about. There is a way to give constructive criticism which is pointing out the flaws in a kind way and maybe giving an alternative rather than just saying everything was terrible and making rude comments based soley off of opinion. That is why you are the arrogant ****
Last edited by muel333 at Jul 1, 2009,
#11
If you can't handle honesty, don't ask for my critique. Simple as that.

In essence though, what you just said reiterates my point: your symbolization is poor. I don't like it at all. It just doesn't work.

I knew this was supposed to be stereotypical, but if that stereotyping makes for dull, pretentious reading, I don't care what you call it - it's still poor writing.

If I write a solo and play every single note on the fretboard without using time signatures, rhythms, or emotional techniques, and play totally off-key, but then go ahead and say "well it's supposed to be off". Is it going to be a good solo? You might think so, but I won't.

If you can't handle my opnions, no matter how brutal and harsh they are, don't ask for my critique. Simple as that.
#12
No, I can handle your critique and i'm glad you did. It's just that there are ways to make your critiques helpful and informative rather than just senselessly bashing the persons work. Like I said before, from what you wrote the first time, you obviously didn't understand the point I was trying to get across. And I could tell you read none of the previous comments because everything was better explained there. So basically your comment was of no help because the problems you had with the piece weren't relevant to the entire overall message and they were directed more toward me than the piece. I wanted you to critique the work, not evaluate me. I really don't care how harsh they are towards the piece, but to insult me for no reason makes no sense. So again, i'm glad and I thank you for taking the time to write something but it's better to give no critique if it is not constructive. It's okay to tell them you didn't like it and why, just keep the rudeness to yourself.
#14
One of the problems here is with the tone you've written this with. You've written a piece about teenage beauty culture and let's say that people could have two responses to this topic; some people are a part of it and enjoy it, and others hate it. Let's assume that you've written this piece with a purpose; you either want to make those who hate it think about another aspect of it, or you want to make those who are a part of it see how pointless it is. Otherwise it's just a rant with random line breaks in random places etc. etc. etc. So let's say that this is an actual piece of work that has a purpose.

I will assume that as you don't adhere to this kind of culture that you want this piece to relate with people who agree with you. But what's the point of that? A piece isn't going to do anything, doesn't have any purpose, if it just rants at the culture it's attacking, because that way the members of that culture aren't going to listen to you (if someone's telling you to '**** off' with no reasoning, you're not going to pay attention to them). And those people who you want it to relate to are either going to go 'wooo go you you agree, **** them!' or think that the whole thing was pointless because it didn't do anything.

You also put the character in a situation where it ran into walls etc. which was not at all believable, so any metaphor you wanted this to be for didn't work because it was nothing like the reality you were trying to portray. You're saying that life is this way, but it isn't, so I don't care. So your 'message' becomes completely lost behind the writing, which isn't consistant with line breaks/poetic technique or anything, so is annoying.

I'd suggest that this piece could be improved by being rewritten in a less subjective, angry tone so as to bring out the personal characters rather than the writers personal opinion through narrative. And if you want something to be shown within your piece, then do so. If you need to write endless explanations of it, that's because you haven't said what you wanted in the piece itself, and so actually the piece is nothing and all you're putting out there is an opinion.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jul 3, 2009,
#16
muel, AngryGoldfish was criticizing you as a writer, not YOU.


maybe it was the red font, I dunno
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On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#17
Alright whatever, I really don't care to argue anymore. But just to make one thing clear, when she ran into the wall, she was "blinded" by excitement (not retarded). I thought that was clear but I guess not. I'm not one to argue much but I thought this piece was more understandable than what it seems to be. That's why I was pissed when nobody could understand it. I really can't tell if you personally don't get it, or if it's just something nonbody understands but regardless i'm only going to make small changes to some parts. I like it, and really that's all that matters in the end. So thanks to all and sorry for misunderstandings etc.
#18
You have gotten some really good, intense critiques. Remember, the harshest ones are the same ones that make you better, so welcome the challenge.

That being said, I really enjoyed reading this. I loved the "I'll be your superficial king if you'll be my tantrum queen" line. I think that was a bit of genius writing. It hit me right between the eyes and had me laughing at the truth of it.

I hope to read more of your work.

C4C?

Let it be
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150603

O Selfish Me
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150598
#19
Thanks. It seems that some like it and some do not so i'm thinking it has to do with your personal experience with things like this and how you could (or could not) relate to it. I'll try and get to at least 1 piece from everyone here, sorry it's taking so long.
#20
Hey muel, you are in hs now, and if this the way you feel, it is great you threw it out there/wrote it down. Maybe you perspective will change when you step outside the environment. For the most part, as a first attempt at poetry, I think it was good. You painted a picture from start to finish of an event. I'm not sure why it focused on the girl at the beginning and then never came back to her. But, I could follow the whole way through.

And obviously some of the folks missed the ending. Even though you started off harsh on teens, most were left at the end dancing and mateless. That seems pretty true. I took that the popular ones got lucky and drunk, the majority just did their thing unnoticed.

I didn't find it overly offensive and I have 2 daughters that went to hs proms this year. I hope they were good. I read it that you're not one of the popular kids, and a bit resentful about it - rightfully so. That is a big deal in hs, not such a big deal later in life.

I don't know what the last line means. And think something like, "So, they looked for their dates, if still there, and went home." would work better. Or, "She looked around for the jock, he wasn't there. So, she called her mom for a ride home." (Something like that seems to fit the way the words were winding down, I didn't sense any type of problem or tention going on.
#21
Quote by buddyboombotz
Nice. Reminds me of random rants I come up with in my mind during the day for everything. I should make poems. And good work. I like that view on teen culture.

i do that too!


oh. and great job.
this is one of the few pieces on here that i didnt actually have to force myself to read.

i really enjoyed this. =]
#23
I agree. It was rather a cliche view.
But it has an over-arching viewpoint that extends far out of teen culture, and lands right in the middle of pure human nature.
It was executed well.
Not perfectly, but as close as it can come to it.