#1
My first lyrics in English. I'd be thankful for every kind of rating, comments and advices.

Every morning deep inside
raging battles I must fight
for my spirit and body to rise
to fight again the war of old

To rise and stand in a hostile world
where everything goes wrong for me
and I must not show fatigue
so my beloved ones don't see

And the flame that once had given warmth
and driven me forward
now burns me from within
tears my soul apart

A thousand tongues of frosty fire
storm inside my heart each day
for I know better but still hope
for utopia's assault to come

I hope the light of hers
had enlightend my mind
instead of simply burning it
making me just blind

As well I hope that inner flame
will spend us enough warmth
to rise above with blades of virtute
and shields of love
to create the paradise

Hope that the tears of ours
to a ocen will unite
and flood the world to reshape it
so that humanity can escape
this hell on earth made by us
Quote by allislost
then i take back what i said and i award you with 10 points! use them wisely...


Enchance your Soling

Quote by funkyducky

desadaphas get's a nod from me
for he knows that tea pwns coffee


My first lyric in Englich
Last edited by desadaphas at Jun 29, 2009,
#2
Quote by desadaphas
My first lyrics in English. I'd be thankful for every kind of rating, comments and advices.

Every morning deep inside
raging battles I must fight
for my spirit and body to rise
to fight again the war of old
(I like this first verse. Its something people can relate too and is a good starting point)

To rise and stand in a hostile world
where everything goes wrong for me
and I must not show fatigue
so my beloved ones don't see

(Reminds me of my father)

And the flame that once had given warmth
and driven me forward
now burns me from within
tears my soul apart

A thousand tongues of frosty fire
storm inside my heart each day
for I know better but still hope
for utopia's assault to come

(A little confused. Why utpoia's "assault"? )

I hope the light of hers
had enlightend my mind
instead of simply burning it
making me just blind

As well I hope that inner flame
will spend us enough warmth
to rise above with blades of virtute
and shields of love
to create the paradise

(Not trying to be a stickler because I assume its a typo, but did you mean virtue?)

Hope that the tears of ours
to a ocen will unite
and flood the world to reshape it
so that humanity can escape
this hell on earth made by us


My brief interpretation:

Its hard to live in a world that can be so cold and ugly at times. And where keeping any faith can be hard. But you are still optimistic that it all can change.

Also, are these lyrics for a song or just a poem?
#3
Quote by Chris189
(A little confused. Why utpoia's "assault"? )

Well, I ment the rise of utopia. But a fast, mighty rise, some kind of violent.
Quote by Chris189
(Not trying to be a stickler because I assume its a typo, but did you mean virtue?)

And I ment virtue (had too much latin, virtutis^^)
Quote by Chris189
Also, are these lyrics for a song or just a poem?

It's been a poem till now, but I'm thinking of turning it to music.


I'm really thankful for you've taken you time to read this through and even comment
Quote by allislost
then i take back what i said and i award you with 10 points! use them wisely...


Enchance your Soling

Quote by funkyducky

desadaphas get's a nod from me
for he knows that tea pwns coffee


My first lyric in Englich
#4
Quote by desadaphas
My first lyrics in English. I'd be thankful for every kind of rating, comments and advices.

Every morning deep inside
raging battles I must fight
I'm not sure what I think of the phrasing, this sentence is kind of 'backwards'. Don't know if that was intentional, but it weakens your lyrics a bit because it's like you're just saying words so they can rhyme, they don't really mean much themselves
for my spirit and body to rise
There are many more syllables in this line than there were in the two before, and this made the flow feel wrong
to fight again the war of old

To rise and stand in a hostile world
where everything goes wrong for me
and I must not show fatigue
so my beloved ones don't see
I didn't like the combination of show/see, as the first implies the second. Maybe use the fourth line here to progress the idea further? A reason behind why you mustn't do this?

And the flame that once had given warmth
and driven me forward
now burns me from within
tears my soul apart
I think the forward/apart isn't strong enough to keep this feeling fresh. It's a lovely idea, I like the image and feel to it a lot, but it's phrased very blandly

A thousand tongues of frosty fire
storm inside my heart each day
for I know better but still hope
for utopia's assault to come
'utopia's assault' doesn't make sense. I'm not sure whether you think that 'utopia' is 'assaulting' people (which doesn't make much sense; if you mean that people are being forced into perfection, you'll need to explain it a bit more) or that people are 'assualting' the idea of 'utopia' and not making it possible. You're probably going to need to use more than two words to say this properly

I hope the light of hers
had enlightend my mind
You change tense here, from present to past, and this confuses it. Either 'hoped' or 'has enlightened' would make sense
instead of simply burning it
making me just blind
'just' is a very unsure word to use, very casual, which I don't think is what this wants. I'd get rid of it/rephrase the line

As well I hope that inner flame
will spend us enough warmth
'spend' doesn't make sense
to rise above with blades of virtute
virtue
and shields of love
to create the paradise
This shows that you meant that utopia was coming when you said 'assualting' before (that still needs to be made clearer), but why you wanted the violent tone I'm not sure

Hope that the tears of ours
to a ocen will unite
'into' rather than 'to', and sp. ocean
and flood the world to reshape it
so that humanity can escape
this hell on earth made by us


I enjoyed this. For your first English lyrics they're very good. I like your use of metaphors and think that the phrasing is quite interesting, but would like to see some more rhyme and assonance added to them to really keep the flow going.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
Quote by DigUpHerBones
I'm not sure what I think of the phrasing, this sentence is kind of 'backwards'. Don't know if that was intentional, but it weakens your lyrics a bit because it's like you're just saying words so they can rhyme, they don't really mean much themselves

I'll try to find a better phrase for this one. (This is going to be hard, for my style of talking is kind of "backwards")

Quote by DigUpHerBones
There are many more syllables in this line than there were in the two before, and this made the flow feel wrong


That was exactly my intention. It should sort of imitate the "disharmony" I tried to describe

Quote by DigUpHerBones
I didn't like the combination of show/see, as the first implies the second. Maybe use the fourth line here to progress the idea further? A reason behind why you mustn't do this?


What do you think about this?

and for i fear the grief of mine
to aggravate their hearts.
I must hide the fatigue
from my beloved ones


Quote by DigUpHerBones
I think the forward/apart isn't strong enough to keep this feeling fresh. It's a lovely idea, I like the image and feel to it a lot, but it's phrased very blandly

Quote by DigUpHerBones
'utopia's assault' doesn't make sense. I'm not sure whether you think that 'utopia' is 'assaulting' people (which doesn't make much sense; if you mean that people are being forced into perfection, you'll need to explain it a bit more) or that people are 'assualting' the idea of 'utopia' and not making it possible. You're probably going to need to use more than two words to say this properly

Again, I'll need longer to find a way to express this in a suitable way, but I will follow your advice.
"Utopia's assault" was ment like a attack, occupation; a rapid, "mighty" rise of utopia. I imagine this as a great force, a "supernova", if you want so, enlighting mankind, reshaping the world in a shord span of time.



Quote by DigUpHerBones
You change tense here, from present to past, and this confuses it. Either 'hoped' or 'has enlightened' would make sense

I think of enlightning as a certen point and not a span of time, thatfore I had chosen to "switch" tenses. The enlightment I hope for, should have been some time ago


Quote by DigUpHerBones
'just' is a very unsure word to use, very casual, which I don't think is what this wants. I'd get rid of it/rephrase the line


My original line was

instead burning it by passions fire
and occluding it with illusions' mists

but I somehow didn't like it anymore after reading through it. Once again I'll need some time, but I'll try to fix it


Quote by DigUpHerBones
'spend' doesn't make sense

In German it does. Could you sugesst me a more suitable word?

Quote by DigUpHerBones
This shows that you meant that utopia was coming when you said 'assualting' before (that still needs to be made clearer), but why you wanted the violent tone I'm not sure


If this happened, it would be a global, magnificant revolution with force, energy and so on. Of course it would not be violent but crushing, immense, forcefull....


Quote by DigUpHerBones
'into' rather than 'to', and sp. ocean

Wouldn't this mean that they unite inside of the ocean instead of forming it by unity?


Quote by DigUpHerBones
I enjoyed this. For your first English lyrics they're very good. I like your use of metaphors and think that the phrasing is quite interesting, but would like to see some more rhyme and assonance added to them to really keep the flow going.


Thank you very much! (for the kind words and of course for the citique and the time you've taken)
Quote by allislost
then i take back what i said and i award you with 10 points! use them wisely...


Enchance your Soling

Quote by funkyducky

desadaphas get's a nod from me
for he knows that tea pwns coffee


My first lyric in Englich