#1
Untitled not because I haven't thought of a title, but because I don't want one. I don't really expect anyone to critique this, it's by no means amazing poetry, I'd just like to know if you like it or not. I think I do, but I'm not sure.

it's all just playing with sonics,
i was once told,
but i never really knew
what it meant.
it made me sad,
and i cried
and i stared at you
with glowing eyes and
trembling lips,
too afraid to open them
but you understood me.
we spent the night together
and barely uttered a single word,
but the touch of warm lips
and fingertips
on cold flesh
and our rhythmic movements
on sweat soaked sheets
said more than we ever could.
i remember
you tried to show me a beautiful place once
but the colours were dull
and the winds shrieked,
but i closed my eyes and you sang for me,
carefree, without meaning
and i could smell your memories
hiding, playing in the grass
and i could smell them
mixing with my own
almost becoming part of the place itself;
maybe that was its beauty?
i looked at the piece of paper
balanced carefully on my knee
and i tightened the grip on my pen
and i scribbled and splashed
lines and loops and shapes,
growing out of what
i once thought should be a poem.
#5
This made me cry, for many reasons. Beauitful. You've acheived with this piece something that's been missing from your work so far. Emotion, and the manipulation of it. This built very steadily and never once did you let go. Just beautiful
#6
I agree with everyone else here. I thought it was beautifully written, my eyes seamlessly flowed from one line to the next, completely engulfed not only in the words that you put down, but the emotions that they evoked. A lot of lines struck a chord with me, too many to mention actually. Great job
here, My Dear, here it is
#8
I could've sworn I'd already commented this. This is one of your first pieces lately that have really stuck out to me. It's just a really beautiful piece. I don't want to be completely useless in my praise though, so I'll point out two parts that really stuck out to me.

i looked at the piece of paper
balanced carefully on my knee
and i tightened the grip on my pen
and i scribbled and splashed
lines and loops and shapes,


Everyone has done this before, and you really capture the bittersweet nature of it.

and our rhythmic movements
on sweat soaked sheets
said more than we ever could.


This is an almost sarcastic seeming line to me, but my favorite in the piece. It's very vivid, and almost sad, because it tells me that you knew you were in it for the sex all along.

I wish I could say that I disliked something, but I can't truthfully do so. Nice work.
#9


hehehe.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
the whole song really gets a different meaning when you accidentally read the last word as "porn" lol. good job though
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
#11
it's all just playing with sonics, (I don’t really understand this line.)


i was once told,
but i never really knew
what it meant.
it made me sad,
and i cried
and i stared at you
with glowing eyes and
trembling lips,
too afraid to open them


but you understood me.
we spent the night together
and barely uttered a single word,
but the touch of warm lips
and fingertips
on cold flesh
and our rhythmic movements
on sweat soaked sheets
said more than we ever could.

This is just awesome. Simple yet powerful.

i remember
you tried to show me a beautiful place once
but the colours were dull
and the winds shrieked,
but i closed my eyes and you sang for me,
carefree, without meaning
and i could smell your memories
hiding, playing in the grass
and i could smell them
mixing with my own
almost becoming part of the place itself;
maybe that was its beauty?

As I am reading this there is this picture floating in my head. I love this.


i looked at the piece of paper
balanced carefully on my knee
and i tightened the grip on my pen
and i scribbled and splashed
lines and loops and shapes,

Identifiable to all of us who try to capture the world.


Two thumbs up. I would appreciate you helping me understand the first line. Then again maybe I’m not supposed to.



C4C?

Let it be
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150603

O Selfish Me

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150598
#12
this would sound really good if sung to the same rhythm as the verses of semi-charmed kinda life by third eye blind.
#13
this was beautiful i liked it more than most of the stuff i read on here, makes me think of my ex girlfriend keep it up man

C4C? "smile at yourself" im not expecting you too, but if you do just tell me if you like it or not, thanks have a nice day
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....