#1
This is the first song ive ever written. I have music for it as well but dont have anything of good enough quality to record it with. Just looking for a small critque/interpretation or whatever you want. Thanks!

1st Verse

We find ourselves
Trapped in this game
Floating spirits
Never the same

So we stay
Upon this ground
Lost in time
Our bodies never found

Chorus

It's 4 O'Clock again
Just another sleepless night
Dont always know whats wrong or right
So I strum my guitar into the night

Now only dreams keep you and I apart
You were there for me right from the start
And I dont know what to do
So I lie awake and think of you

2nd Verse

Falling through life
We niver win
Fall in line
Live free from sin

So we walk
This road again
Hapiness is found
Just around the bend

Chorus

It's 4 O'Clock again
Just another sleepless night
Dont always know whats wrong or right
So I strum my guitar into the night

Now only dreams keep you and I apart
You were there for me right from the start
And I dont know what to do
So I lie awake and think of you
Last edited by Chris189 at Jun 29, 2009,
#2
Quote by Chris189


We find ourselves
Trapped in this game
Floating spirits
Never the same
i like this first verse alot

So we stay upon
Upon this ground
Lost in time
Our bodies never found
i dont like how you said upon twice in a row unless it was a mistake which i think it is

It's 4 O'Clock again
Just another sleepless night
Dont always know whats wrong or right
So I strum my guitar into the night
once again with the repitition of a word, it just doesnt seem to flow the way i read it

Now only dreams keep you and I apart
You were there for me right from the start
And I dont know what to do
So I lie awake and think of you
i like this verse but the last line you could do somethin with to make it sound better

Falling through life
We niver win
Fall in line
Live free from sin

So we walk
This road again
Hapiness is found
Just around the bend
might just be me i didnt like this verse it seems out of place

It's 4 O'Clock again
Just another sleepless night
Dont always know whats wrong or right
So I strum my guitar into the night

Now only dreams keep you and I apart
You were there for me right from the start
And I dont know what to do
So I lie awake and think of you


overall i think its a good piece but somethings in the song could be fixed.

c4c would be greatly appreciated!
#3
Quote by Chris189
This is the first song ive ever written. I have music for it as well but dont have anything of good enough quality to record it with. Just looking for a small critque/interpretation or whatever you want. Thanks!

We find ourselves
Trapped in this game
Floating spirits
Never the same maybe here you'll need something to fill up so that you keep the flow-> never stay'n the same

(So) we stay upon (how about stand?)
Upon this ground (maybe you should repeat the stay/stand upon)
Lost in time
Our bodies never found

It's 4 O'Clock again
Just another sleepless night
Don't always know whats wrong or right
So I strum my guitar into the night

Now only dreams keep (you and Me) us apart
You were there for me right from the start
And I dont know what to do
So I lie awake and think of you

Falling through life
We ne ver win
Fall in line
Live free from sin

So we walk this road again
(and our) Hapiness is found
Just around the bend

It's 4 O'Clock again
Just another sleepless night
Dont always know whats wrong or right
So I strum my guitar into the night

Now only dreams keep (you and Me) us apart
You were there for me right from the start
And I dont know what to do
So I lie awake and think of you



Critique:
Pretty good! I'd liked it though in the corus there are too many rhymes for my flavor
Quote by allislost
then i take back what i said and i award you with 10 points! use them wisely...


Enchance your Soling

Quote by funkyducky

desadaphas get's a nod from me
for he knows that tea pwns coffee


My first lyric in Englich
#4
please don't use "first song" as your title.
you can either delete this yourself and re-post it with the right title type, or it can be reported and deleted by a mod. either way, read the rules.
#5
Quote by desadaphas


We find ourselves
Trapped in this game
Floating spirits
Never the same maybe here you'll need something to fill up so that you keep the flow-> never stay'n the same




Ive worked out the melody to where this fits pretty well. Thanks for the idea though.

Quote by desadaphas


(So) we stay upon (how about stand?)
Upon this ground (maybe you should repeat the stay/stand upon)
Lost in time
Our bodies never found



I actually like "stand" over "upon". Also, repeat what?

Quote by desadaphas



overall i think its a good piece but somethings in the song could be fixed.

c4c would be greatly appreciated!


Thanks!
Where can I find one of your pieces to critique? Im still a noob.
Last edited by Chris189 at Jun 29, 2009,
#6
overall, pretty good for a "first song." i like the title. it reminds me of lostprophets. the lyrics? not so much.

just remember that the story or emotion that you're trying to convey should come before the rhyme. some of them seem a bit.. well... strained, i suppose.
#7
Quote by Chris189
I actually like "stand" over "upon". Also, repeat what?

I ment;
So we stand upon
stand upon this ground


Quote by Chris189
Thanks!
Where can I find one of your pieces to critique? Im still a noob.


Here you'll find the first lyrics I've posted (my first ones in English too)

I'd love to hear that song of yours. I'm very interested in your arrangment/melody....
Quote by allislost
then i take back what i said and i award you with 10 points! use them wisely...


Enchance your Soling

Quote by funkyducky

desadaphas get's a nod from me
for he knows that tea pwns coffee


My first lyric in Englich
#8
Quote by fritzbitz19
overall, pretty good for a "first song." i like the title. it reminds me of lostprophets. the lyrics? not so much.

just remember that the story or emotion that you're trying to convey should come before the rhyme. some of them seem a bit.. well... strained, i suppose.


Thanks. Im still working on the whole "expression" part. If you could, which parts sound strained to you? Or do you think there is too much rhyme in general?
#9
Quote by Chris189
Thanks. Im still working on the whole "expression" part. If you could, which parts sound strained to you? Or do you think there is too much rhyme in general?

I ment the

Just another sleepless night
Dont always know whats wrong or right
So I strum my guitar into the nigh

part, but like I said, it's only my personal opinion. I'd recommend to write it down on a sheet of paper, wait 2-3 days and then read it in a unusual place (bus, someone others flat....) This way you'll gain some distance and inspiration (works with me)
Quote by allislost
then i take back what i said and i award you with 10 points! use them wisely...


Enchance your Soling

Quote by funkyducky

desadaphas get's a nod from me
for he knows that tea pwns coffee


My first lyric in Englich
#10
Im sort of feel like the chorus is too long and not repetitive enough. Whats your opinion on the structure?
#11
Quote by AngryGoldfish
please don't use "first song" as your title.
you can either delete this yourself and re-post it with the right title type, or it can be reported and deleted by a mod. either way, read the rules.


Sorry about that. I just read them and it has been noted. I tried to change the title but it only did inside the thread? Anything I can do?
Last edited by Chris189 at Jun 29, 2009,
#13
Quote by Chris189
Sorry about that. I just read them and it has been noted. I tried to change the title but it only did inside the thread? Anything I can do?


No, only mods can change it so it is seen outside of the forum.
Your thread will be locked unless carmel feels kind enough to change the title for you.
Also, take note of rules on double posting.
In FACT, make sure you read the UG rules in addition to the S&L rules.
It will make your experience here much smoother.

These other guys should know better than to post in a thread like this once it has already been pointed out that there are many errors within it. <_<

*Reported*

BAM BITCH! if anybody else post in hear they are going to get banned by my sex slave zanascross.
Promises meant a lot back then.