#1
These are some new lyrics. They're still a work-in-progress so I'd appreciate some/any feedback on them. I was inspired by "The Great Gatsby" when writing them but hopefully you won't have needed to read the book to still understand them. Also, if you leave me a link, I'll definitely return the favor.

Eastside Love Is Living On the West End

i find myself treading in a cement ocean
my mind above surface, my heart devoid of motion
portraits and possibilities begin their race
while love's cresting wave remains in its place

and i took the elevator up the mountain
because i had no time to waste
you promised you'd meet me at the peak
you promised to me you would wait
you promised to me you would wait

i find myself removing the subtle slivers
and shaking off moonlight burns the night delivers
any day i'd exchange the means for the end
any day i'd exchange the if for the when

and i left all the words tapdancing
until my mouth had grown sore
this green light i trace across the lake
is a little further than where it was before

and i'm calling you through the thunder
and i'm crying through the rain
arms outstretched, asking myself
just what difference does it make?
just what difference does it make?
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
I have not read the book but I think i know what it's about. From the first paragraph, i can tell that love is wanted but for some reason cannot happen hence the word "possibility", "treading in cement", and "heart devoid of motion". In the second paragraph, it seems that your in a rush to finally meet this person but they don't show up (or maybe is already in love with someone else?-"you promised you would wait"). I don't know what the 3rd paragraph means but that is by far my favorite part especially the last two lines. In the 4th paragraph you say something important (telling the person you love them?) but you are farther away from love than before because she doesn't love you. In the last paragraph you are grieving your denial and wishing she would love you back but then realize she is not worth it.

That was all my interpretation. The title suggested to me that love was not to be or is false love. Hopefully I was at least close. Please tell me if I was right/wrong. I liked this piece! C4C-last link in my sig. would be great. Thanks
#3
You're pretty close actually. You had a really good read of it. The first verse is about what you said, unrequited love. Love is such a dynamic thing but if only one person has it, everything is stuck and nothing can move. The second verse has to do with feeling a little resentment toward the person for not loving you back, about having this false sense of entitlement for reciprocity after putting yourself out there. The third verse is the phase after resentment where you are a little desperate to have this person with you that you'd do anything. You forget all the pain they've caused and continue to love them. The fourth and fifth verses are about the realization that it just will not happen between you and this person, that every attempt you make is futile. In the book, the green light is symbolized as a distant, perfect, almost unattainable goal. So these verses deal with realizing that your vision of perfection is slowly drifting away.

So you were really close. You should read the book...it's amazing. Also note that the book does not have the same plot as this song, I was only inspired by certain aspects and symbols in the book like the green light. I just wanted this song to be a journey through unrequited love. The title is just hinting that with unrequited love, two people's hearts are in different places.

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it. I'll get to yours now.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
ok i dont want to sound like an ***hole or be "that guy" but the title is a lyric from the chili peppers...
CT Musicians


"Rebellion happens in the mind, you cant create it, you just are that way" - SLC Punk!
#5
Yeah I know it is. It's just a working title and it fits the theme of my song so I thought I'd tentatively use it
here, My Dear, here it is
#6
i find myself treading in a cement ocean
my mind above surface, my heart devoid of motion
portraits and possibilities begin their race
while love's cresting wave remains in its place

(This is really, really good. LOVE the imagery!!! I like how “i find myself treading in a cement ocean” gets tied into “while love's cresting wave remains in its place”.)

and i took the elevator up the mountain
because i had no time to waste
you promised you'd meet me at the peak
you promised to me you would wait
you promised to me you would wait

i find myself removing the subtle slivers
and shaking off moonlight burns the night delivers
any day i'd exchange the means for the end
any day i'd exchange the if for the when

Very good.

and i left all the words tapdancing
until my mouth had grown sore
this green light i trace across the lake
is a little further than where it was before

I haven’t read the book, so the “green light” throws me.

and i'm calling you through the thunder
and i'm crying through the rain
arms outstretched, asking myself
just what difference does it make?
just what difference does it make?

Awesome ending!

What else can I say? Great Job! Will there be a chorus?


C4C?

Let it be
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150603

O Selfish Me
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150598
#7
Thanks for the kind words! And I'm not really sure if I want there to be a chorus. I kinda like it the way it is.

I'll be sure to get to yours next
here, My Dear, here it is
#8
Everything I wanted to say has been said already, though I must say, I love this line "i find myself treading in a cement ocean
my mind above surface, my heart devoid of motion"
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#10
Quote by #1 synth
needs more modernism.


yeah, needs to quote more 1984.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#12
Quote by #1 synth
definitely.


not enough cameras to record the lovemaking for boney workers to gaze upon
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#13
So are you guys saying it sounds too old-fashioned? And is it similar to 1984? If so, that was completely unintentional b/c I haven't even read that book
here, My Dear, here it is
#14
omg
i super hardcore LOVE this.
i know that isnt a critique.
but still.
great job, youre a really talented writer
#15
thanks for the kind words! I really appreciate it. And I just critiqued yours now
here, My Dear, here it is
#16
Superb alliteration and imagery. Haven't read the book yet, but it is on the list for this summer. I have little changes that I want to present to you. If they infringe on what the book says, my fault. There is a problem with your outro because that is a Morrissey lyric or I would have left it, I don't like mine either. Here is my version in entirety.

Eastside Love Is Living On the West End

I found myself treading through the cement ocean
My mind hovers above the surface, my heart is devoid of motion
Portraits and possibilities have begun their race
while love's cresting waves remains in their place

and i took the elevator up the mountain
because i had no time to waste
you said to meet at the peak
you promised to me you would wait
you promised that you'd wait

i find myself removing subtle slivers
shaking off moonlight burns the night delivers
I'd exchange the 'means' for the 'ends'
I'd exchange the 'if' for the 'when'

and i left all my words tap dancing
until my mouth had grown sore
the green light i traced across the lake
is a little further than where it was

I call you through the thunder
I cry during the rain
Arms outreached, asking myself
Why does it make a difference?
Why does it make a difference?
#17
Thanks, I appreciate the thoughts of revising it. I had no idea I was using a Morrissey lyric so I'll look into switching some things around there. I like your version except that it doesn't stick with the rhyme scheme that I had in mind.
here, My Dear, here it is
#18
You only have rhyming in two spots, which should only be one because you can't end a sentence on a preposition with 'before'.

If the words weren't so good in the beginning, I would say abandon it all together.
#20
Quote by SubwayToVenus
abandon the song altogether?


No DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is really good.

as said above the imagery good and the words thread together really well.

you should totally put music to this.

great job!!!!!

Edit: Oh yeah u shouldnt keep the title as is but i dont think you were going to that anyway
Last edited by Frooshy at Jul 5, 2009,
#22
Don't abandon anything.

I quite like this - you certainly have talent as a songwriter. I'd like to hear a recording, and some more songs from you in the future. There's room to improve, of course, but you're certainly on the right track.
#23
Thanks for the kind words. I'm working right now on putting it to music
here, My Dear, here it is
#24
SubwayToVenus, is your username supposed to be sexual? It is brilliantly phallic if it is, if not it still sounds pretty enough and could really be a song name (not this song, but a different one).
#25
Haha it already is a song name, one by Red Hot Chili Peppers. It's one of my favorite songs and like you said, a brilliant sexual image. Believe me, I wish I had thought of it
here, My Dear, here it is
#26
Haha, Gatsby is hands down one of my favorites. I dig the imagery in this, but I'd add more color imagery to keep with the feel of Fitzgerald.

I love it!
#27
Yeah I get what you're saying. Maybe some more gold, green, and white images since the book is loaded with it? Glad someone else has read the book too. It's one of my favorites as well
here, My Dear, here it is