#1
I thought I'd try and write out of my comfort zone, and I tried to write a kind of love song/ poem at least I think it's cutesy wutesy

Within the Wings That Bore your Halos

Where did the angels go?
Not the ones with wings, or the ones with halos,
The ones that sat between you and me,
Held the hands that tied the bends to the corners of our souls.
Can you really blame them?

Somehow you got lost along the way,
If you never meant to leave, you only had to stay,

Did you mean the words?
So softly rolling off your tongue,
Pulling us closer to the sky.
They felt forever,
I only saw the end,

The day you turned and walked away,
A thousand other people saw the sun,
I only saw your scars.

Its C4C,any critisism welcomed and I'll get back to your stuff ASAP!!
#2
I liked it, didn't seem too cliche, and some of the imagery was wonderful.
Thumbs up to you.
#3
hey dude,
saw u had a new piece on ur sig
liked ur piece before so i thought i'd check this out!

Quote by Capital D
I thought I'd try and write out of my comfort zone, and I tried to write a kind of love song/ poem at least I think it's cutesy wutesy

Within the Wings That Bore your Halos

title a bit long and slightly misleading? you have a lot of great lines in this poem, use something there!

Where did the angels go?
Not the ones with wings, or the ones with halos,
The ones that sat between you and me,
Held the hands that tied the bends to the corners of our souls.
Can you really blame them?

4th line is slightly overdone, great imagery - just slightly dragged on . love the questioning in 1 and 5

Somehow you got lost along the way,
If you never meant to leave, you only had to stay,

"somehow" seems unnecessary, and the second line is a bit weak - perhaps stronger wording is needed?

Did you mean the words?
So softly rolling off your tongue,
Pulling us closer to the sky.
They felt forever,
I only saw the end,

confusing imagery here, perhaps need clearing up here. the last line seems harsh for this piece/stanza!

The day you turned and walked away,
A thousand other people saw the sun,
I only saw your scars.

my favourite stanza. straight up. loved the imagery, loved the meanings behind it. great stuff!

Its C4C,any critisism welcomed and I'll get back to your stuff ASAP!!


Great piece! Slightly mixed up around some parts, but if you clear that up I'm sure this will be an amazing poem/song. Keep it up!

Don't have a new piece, so that's fine dude, just keep an eye out!
#4
i unfortunately disagree with crisisinheaven. i liked your fourth line. it broke up the flow and presented your ideas in a creative way. it was cool i thought. i also loved the title. there's nothing wrong with long titles, and you can say something important instead of taking a line you like from the poem. i did agree that some lines were weak, but only because a couple rhymes felt forced. overall, i liked it.
#5
Blueslushee, thanks, always a good thing when people think you've created something nice, means a lot, cheers

crisisinheaven, you can bet I will be on the look out for your new stuff, if it comes up, PM me, I'll get into it Thanks for the crit by the way , you've always got some insightful stuff to say

Milo., thanks for having a look at this, and thanks for the positive input, I'll definitely be putting some serious work into this, so I can strengthen the weaker points in it, The title, had a bit of background to it, so I wont be changing it lol, but I think it draws attention to the piece, well, I hope so, anyway, thanks for the input.

Cheers All!