#1
In these days of tough economy
There's one thing that don't fit, and that would be me!
Feel like I should've been born years ago
'Cause the blues is the way to go!

Nothin' good on the radio
And nothin' on MTV
The blues ain't there
But neither is the glee!

I'm writin' this song
At 'round 5:08
Can't get no sleep
'Cause I got to create!

Now, this is a short song, but there's one thing about blues that I haven't mentioned yet. That would be my guitar. So now, I'll tell you about it quick.

Don't know what year she is
Or how much was paid for her
But she plays like a beauty
And sounds like one too

She doesn't have a name, because I never thought of one for her, so I can't really complete this song, but I'll let her speak for herself.

*solo to end*


Yeah...I actually wrote this at 5:03 in the morning (had to change it to 5:08 so it would rhyme ), and I've been working all night, with little sleep the night before, so whatever I just wrote is up there.

The underlined parts are spoken.
Last edited by Alex Vik at Jun 30, 2009,
#3
I'd love to see this recorded.


The title reminded me of "21st century schizoid man".
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
i would try to replace the word "Glee". it just seems a little strange. i ain't never heard a blues song with the word "glee" in it before.
Quote by patriotplayer90
Lolz that guy is a noob.

Egnater
Leave it on the press, Depress Depress Taboot Taboot.
#6
Quote by Jhachey22
i would try to replace the word "Glee". it just seems a little strange. i ain't never heard a blues song with the word "glee" in it before.

Then I gotta think of something else that rhymes with "V" and change that line.
#7
Quote by Alex Vik
Then I gotta think of something else that rhymes with "V" and change that line.

me?
be?
see?
fee?
key?
we?
casualty?
hypocrisy?
philosophy?
history?
melancholy?
epiphany?
eventually?
Quote by patriotplayer90
Lolz that guy is a noob.

Egnater
Leave it on the press, Depress Depress Taboot Taboot.
#9
Quote by Alex Vik
In these days of tough economy
There's one thing that don't fit, and that would be me!
Feel like I should've been born years ago
'Cause the blues is the way to go!
Solid opening, but I don't think rhyming go with ago fits very well
Nothin' good on the radio
And nothin' on MTV
The blues ain't there
But neither is the glee!
Change glee it doesn't fit
I'm writin' this song
At 'round 5:08
Can't get no sleep
'Cause I got to create!

Now, this is a short song, but there's one thing about blues that I haven't mentioned yet. That would be my guitar. So now, I'll tell you about it quick.

Don't know what year she is
Or how much was paid for her
But she plays like a beauty
And sounds like one too

She doesn't have a name, because I never thought of one for her, so I can't really complete this song, but I'll let her speak for herself.
I really like how you have these spoken parts to this, it adds a nice touch
*solo to end*



Overall I really like this, cause it's exactly how I feel.
C4C?
www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=19914026#
#10
Ugh.

So when are you going on tour with Puddle of Mudd to dumb the remaining 1/5th of America who isn't retarded yet from stupid songs like these?
Poor advice.
#11
Quote by stellar_legs
Ugh.

So when are you going on tour with Puddle of Mudd to dumb the remaining 1/5th of America who isn't retarded yet from stupid songs like these?

Thanks for the criticism.
#12
^Oh yeah?

This piece has no substance. It's filled with forced rhyming that meanders rather than coming close to anything that could register as a meaning. You speak about not fitting in with the "economy" (Out of all the things to nonconform against, eh?), then go off on how great Blues music is, then for no substantial reason you talk about your goddamn guitar and make a note of how you changed the time to 5:08 " just to rhyme" which is a glaring symbol suggesting that little to no thought went into this piece and we should not dig for any meaning within it because it's obvious that the author only jotted it down on paper as filler and something to do in between Blues riffs and guitar masturbation.

Better?
Poor advice.
#13
P.S. No one cares about what gear you own and posting it in a UG profile signature is not making anyone give more of a shit.


Grow up.
Read books before you try and write.
Poor advice.
#14
Are you always this much of a bitch? This was pretty much the first full song I ever wrote.

P.S. I put it in my sig so that when I ask gear related questions, I don't have to add "Oh, I have such and such amp, such and such guitar, etc." So piss off.
#15
P.S. No one cares about what gear you own and posting it in a UG profile signature is not making anyone give more of a shit.


Grow up.
Read books before you try and write.

wow, i didn't expect to find a troll on here. yeesh, this guy has been around since 03?
#16
Ok, to be honest, i didn't think it was that great. I'll try give some constructive criticism though, and i recognize that it was your first effort, which is usually tough. So keep writing and don't give up.

First of all, some the ideas are nice, but they are said in a very basic way.

In the first paragraph, the economy reference is a bit trite, it feels like you're saying you don't fit in because of that, and instead belong in the blues era, which doesn't really make sense, as they had the Great Depression back then, as well as lots of other problems, ie. segregation. This is nitpicking though i guess, the main problem with this paragraph is that's it really blunt. How about saying something like: "the wailing of the blues, calling out across these years, the voice of the everyman, blood sweat and the tears". I'm sure you could improve on what i've written though, it's just a quick suggestion.

Second paragraph- The last line is horrible and doesn't really make sense, it sounds like you just used glee to rhyme with MTV. Also, this paragraph reminds me of Dire Straits Money for Nothing, so check that out for some ideas. I get what you're saying, but it's just a bit simple. Try to elaborate on what you're feeling; how do you feel about what's on TV? describe your disgust in depth.

Third paragraph- Maybe describe what's going on at 5 in the morning, 'the dead calm of the streets' or 'the rising dawn', and tell us why you're up at 5. Drinking? Insomnia? It's all good.

The verse about your guitar is good, but maybe be a bit more descriptive; describe it's 'sleek' design, and don't just say she sounds and plays like a beauty, tell us how 'she wails at your command', 'speaks for you' or melts beneath your fingertips.

Wow, this is a very long crit, hope it helps, keep up the writing dude,
peace. Mike
I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.
Executed by injection, Oklahoma.
~~ Thomas J. Grasso, d. March 20, 1995.


Lyrics/Poetry

Fires Burning